I'm filled with the feeling that I've failed in my life

Thank you Aya for your consultation.

Things you've thought were hard to live since you were a kid
Also, I feel that things didn't go well at work or financially.
Furthermore, the treatment of psychologists and counseling was not appropriate.
It's not all your fault, is it?
I feel that you haven't been bad and that you've been trying to live your life sincerely.
If you don't have anything to rely on, then this Hasunoha is useful.
Please refer to the various answers and use them as hints for living.
Then let's unwind your mind.

I think there is something about the difficulties I've had since I was a kid that would make my current painful feelings better.
Why was it difficult for you to live because you were a child?
As a guess, it was probably difficult to feel love, kindness, and calm, the feeling of being protected by someone, or feeling safe and secure.
If so, by comforting, healing, and soothing your young self in your heart, your mind will calm down. That is,
“It's been hard, you've worked hard to live. You can rest assured. It's OK to cry”
It's about calling out to yourself.
By trying to give yourself healing and peace of mind in this way,
I regained my composure, and my feelings changed little by little.
Please try to speak kindly to yourself. I'm sure it will come in handy.
I think so. Please refer to it. One bow

I consulted and read it. I read the letter, and the depth of that pain came through.

But I don't think your life was “full of failures.” Aiming for creative work, I learned fortune telling, worked as an illustrator, faced debt issues with my husband, and paid off voluntary arrangements. They have also visited psychosomatic medicine and counseling, and have been searching for ways in various ways. Isn't that a step that has continued to rise over and over again?

My current suffering may come from “continuing to score my life.” If you evaluate how many points your job is, how many points your income is, whether your dreams have come true, and whether your life has been a success, you will notice only what is lacking.

Buddhism teaches that people live in a world that doesn't turn out the way they want. That's why suffering is born. Shinran Shonin showed humans as “ordinary men who are troubled and grumpy.” Everyone is imperfect and can't live the way they want.

What you need now is not to work harder, but to acknowledge that “I was really tired.”

Also, if possible, try telling your husband just that “recently, I'm tired of living.” This luggage is too heavy to carry alone.

And above all, I feel that the fact that you wrote the consultation email in this way itself has an important meaning. This is because there are still wishes for “I want someone to understand” and “I want to live a little longer.”

You don't have to rush out your life's answers. Live for a day today. That accumulation is enough. Please don't call yourself a “failed person.” Despite your suffering, you have worked hard to survive until today. Gassho

I read it.
I read that you are alone and having a hard time. I don't know the details about you or your husband, but I can tell you that you are having a very hard time. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
You're worried that what you've worked so hard for and what you've chosen is wrong. I feel like I understand how worried you are. There are many people who think that and worry about it. Everyone is often worried that they have made a mistake. So you're definitely not the only one who thinks that.
Please tell your husband about your thoughts too. It may be hard to say, but let's face your husband firmly and talk about your feelings one by one as you think of them. Then let's discuss and share it with the two of us.
It's not like you can solve it right away, and you probably won't be able to find another solution, but first let's talk about the future slowly and thoughtfully while talking with the two of you.
After that, I think it's okay to ask people you and your husband can trust to listen to the story. While consulting with many people, you may be able to find various ideas, methods, and opportunities.
You are by no means living alone, so let's share with many people and find various paths.
I sincerely pray that you and your husband will share your thoughts and that everyone will be able to help you live a bright, rich, and healthy future. We wholeheartedly agree

Life is a failure... it feels like that.
There was something you drew, wasn't it? But things didn't quite go as expected.

Didn't you get anything?
It is said that nothing went well, but I felt that the world you have been challenged in is very specialized. For that reason, you probably need experience and ability to build up achievements and become a professional.

What do you call success? If it's trust and fame, you'll need a self-project, and if you're going to start a business, you also need management studies that anticipate investment, management, etc. If you have a stable life, you can also get a job as a full-time employee.

My husband's self-employment and family business are also difficult, but they will definitely be affected by the COVID-19 pandemic and social conditions. Also, people who have foresight are probably successful people.

Even if you try hard or take on challenges, it won't necessarily lead to a richer life. There are probably only a handful of people who can make dreams come true, and people who can make them work.

But I made my own choices and made my own steps. You don't want to call it a failure, do you? If you say that, it will seem like your life is over. That's sad.

Everyone tries to find happiness and feel joy in what they have in their hands, even if it's different from what they're drawing. Also, if the situation is different from what was expected, it will be corrected and redrawn. Because nobody wants to think it's a failure.

Do you think it's a failure, or do you think it's a success?
Will you do your best with your heart set, or will you correct your trajectory by looking ahead?
Your life is still in the middle.

Maybe everyone lives that way. I've also made quite a few corrections. Always reflecting on yourself. Let's share together at Hasunoha in order to recover your feelings. Acknowledge your past. I'm rooting for the future.