What is a friend

In the past, I saw a friend with suicidal thoughts, who also posted here, at the station for the first time after breaking a relationship (3 or 4 years ago). As I was writing my diary in the wake of that, I realized that I still had my true intentions for my high school friend who committed suicide about 8 years ago.
When I was in high school, my classmates showed me how bad she was on Twitter.
There were a lot of entries saying “I don't have any friends at school.”
I was shocked, but she was often absent from school at the time
There's probably a reason, and until I spoke from her, I thought I'd treat her as if nothing had happened, and I acted like that.
Then, about a year after graduation, it came when that child committed suicide.
I also moved to Tokyo the day before that child committed suicide, so let's meet up! I was contacted, and that message was never marked as read.
I was writing in my diary, and I realized that I had never been able to carefully recall this event until now.
I learned that I was running away from my true intentions by assuming that child was “my responsibility.”
I felt “betrayed” when I saw that I don't actually have any friends.
But when I thought about that kid, I couldn't say anything.
Even when I committed suicide, I was angry, saying, “Why didn't you tell me anything.”
I always thought I wasn't my friend.
But I suppressed my feelings because I thought it was unscrupulous to think such a thing about someone who died.
I realized that I had been suppressing my anger against that child the whole time.
And for the first time, I realized “that incident hurt me.”
Then, strangely, the period we were together
It's not a painful event I don't want to remember
However, I now see it as something in the past that happened to me.
I thought that if that child were alive, I would finally be able to have a real and honest conversation between that child myself and myself.
It may be unscrupulous, but I was happy.
I thought we were finally able to understand each other.
I was moved by the fact that I could feel that my partner didn't exist in this world anymore.
I began to feel grateful for the friend I had broken up with. I honestly thought thank you for finally feeling refreshed and for giving me an opportunity to remember.

Every time I post here
I feel like a harbinger of big changes for me. I appreciate it.

4 Zen Responses

Your friend taught you firsthand how difficult life is

Thank you for your consultation. You were able to unravel your painful memories from the past and carefully face the true feelings that were in the depths of your own heart. You've been working really hard alone for a long time.

The fact that an important friend committed suicide must have been a painful experience back then. It painfully conveys the feeling of having a sense of self-remorse, saying “it's my own responsibility.” However, it is by no means unscrupulous for those of us who are alive to have feelings of anger, saying “why didn't they talk to me” or “I was betrayed.” It was a wonderful realization that you were able to frankly acknowledge the pain you have suffered as fact, saying, “That incident hurt me.”

The fact that I wasn't able to be close to my friend's heart at the time was due to “relationships” or “encounters” in Buddhism. There is absolutely no need for the consultant to feel responsible.

Feelings that had been suppressed over time have been released, and a sense of gratitude for your friends has developed. I had the precious experience of being able to have a real conversation with real intentions even when the other person isn't in this world. Your friends probably taught you firsthand how difficult life is. He is now a Buddha, and he is watching over you.

Please feel free to gently put your hands together once in a while and express your gratitude. Also, I sincerely hope that you will be able to live your precious “now” to the fullest with whom you have a relationship.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

Precisely because we were friends

Thank you for sharing your valuable experience.

While reading the sentences, I felt one thing.
You and I seem to be looking at the same scenery,
Actually, I'm living in a completely different world.

Even if you experience the same event,
The way to receive it is different.
Even when I hear the same words, the way I feel is different.
I think they all live with their own unique world.

And my worries are my own world and
Isn't it something that comes about when you feel a gap between you and the other person's world?

My friend felt “I don't have any friends.”
On the other hand, Yoshie-sama treated her as a friend.
There was a big gap here.

So, “Why didn't you tell me?”
That anger was probably born too.
“Wasn't I a friend?”
That kind of sadness was probably born too.

But this time, while writing a diary,
You've been able to look back at that gap once again, haven't you?

And the world of your friends and the world of yourself
I was able to reinterpret it in my current way.
So strangely enough, an event that was painful
I think it just turned into the past.

For me,
The gap between your opponent's world and your own
By trying to supplement and understand in my own way,
There seemed to be a break in my mind.

I don't know if we really understood each other.
No one can confirm that anymore.
However, in Yoshie-sama,
I think it is certain that my relationship with my friend has been reconnected in a new form.

People always die at some point.

However, it doesn't mean that the relationship will disappear.
Sometimes after years,
There are times when that relationship makes me grow.

What happened this time
This was probably my last conversation with my friend.

Please continue to cherish your relationship

I read it.
I read your thoughts on that friend. I also feel that you care about that friend very much and want to understand each other. I accept your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
That child died by suicide, so you pressured your own feelings to death, didn't you? And now you're finally aware of your own feelings and are starting to face them.
Then I was able to face my relationship with that child, and I began to feel like I could understand that child.
I think one of you has deepened your relationship with that child. I'm sure your thoughts have reached that child too.
Even if there is death, relationships between people are connected, aren't they?
That child will always be important to you, and you will always be an important person for that child. Please continue to cherish your relationship with that child.
I sincerely pray that you will always cherish your relationship with that child, share your thoughts, and deepen your relationship, that you will continue to be blessed with relationships with many people and live a rich life, that you will grow healthily as a person, and that you will be able to live a life of compassion and happiness for each other.
And I wholeheartedly support you.

May they be saved. that's because everyone has lived to the fullest

How do you capture a message someone has left?
I wonder what a friend is...
Exactly, it's a friend's “question.”

I support desperate ideals and suicide issues on a daily basis. It would be difficult if people asked if they could understand it because they are family and friends. What is “I want you to understand”? If it hasn't reached the other party, they won't notice. How will it be delivered? were you able to talk? do you guess? Sometimes that SOS is hard to understand. Even if you notice it again, what does the other person want? Do you want me to keep an eye on you? Do you want them to not say anything until they're ready to talk? Are you waiting to hear what happened? Depending on the distance between you and your partner, there are cases where you couldn't say it because you're friends.

Since they are counselors like me, since they are third parties, there are things they can finally say in the privacy of confidentiality. So, confiding your worries is very difficult, and it takes courage, doesn't it?

The reason you felt sorry when you saw “I don't have any friends” is because you really thought you were friends. That's why I was sad that they didn't see me as a friend.

Now you know that, right? I wonder if I couldn't say it.
But if you confide in me, I might have been able to help you in some way. I wonder if I've gotten used to it? But after listening to the story, I thought we would have been able to worry together...

Why on the news of suicide? I'm sorry. You were sad and blamed yourself. After all, I wanted them to be alive.

At that time, if there was a different path (method), they might have been able to communicate. Maybe they understood each other. I hope they stay alive.

Events, experiences, pain, sorrow, and hurt were put in the drawer at that time. You were able to pull it out now and stare at it. You were able to sort out your thoughts and feelings.

it's strange. In Hasunoha, he talks about his late friend and shares it with us as time has passed. This is also a form of memorial service. At one point in your life, I was able to think about it too.

May they be saved. That's because everyone has lived to the fullest.
Gassho

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