Which one should I change my last name to when I get married

Nice to meet you, as the title says.
I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for six months and have now been living together, and now it's been 3 years.
They are older people they can rely on, and they often get along, so we were both aware of marriage from an early stage. I just learned the feeling that “I don't want to change my last name even if I get married” from an accidental conversation. At that time, I was just thinking, “If I ask desperately, I wonder if they can change it...”
Things changed six months ago. In order to receive rent assistance due to her job change, it became necessary to change the name of the house from myself to her within 3 weeks. You can't change the procedure unless you're married. It was a situation where it was impossible to proceed from her past statements to a proposal, but on the occasion of the name change, she cried and said, “I wonder if I have no choice but to break down.”
That's when I got angry. “What does broken mean. I don't like my last name so much. If it breaks like that, don't say it from the beginning.” As a result, they said, “I feel like a problem has been brought in,” and it ended in a parallel battle. As for the name, it turned out that factual marriage was OK after all, so I chose that. She was fully satisfied with factual marriage, but she couldn't do it herself and said “I don't think factual marriage is marriage” and “don't tell people around you.” I was so embarrassed that it was a factual marriage.
After that, we had many discussions. They changed their mind that changing surnames is possible for men, and after having a big fight, they suggested “let's get to know each other's roots so they can take either surname,” and first visited the home of her grandparents.
However, another big fight broke out.
At the beginning of the fight that led to the suggestion “let's get to know each other's roots,” she said “I'm uneasy because there is no confirmation that we can get married.” After saying that I would definitely get married, I proposed to search for my roots, but I gave her a ring for her girlfriend who has anxiety and proposed.
After that, she only talked about the ceremony hall and reception. There was a sense of incongruity with that story even though I hadn't decided on my last name. In fact, I was angry that I had forgotten that I had said “I want to do the wedding after making sure I have a registration” right after getting married, and that I prioritized my friend's promises on the scheduled date even though my roots haven't been seen yet.
If you change it, it won't be solved even if you give various conditions for having it changed. I also have mental anxiety and want to resolve it quickly. How do you feel from an objective point of view? Also, do you think there is a way to make decisions that are completely equal?

5 Zen Responses

I don't know what will happen in 100 years

Even if they fight and desperately leave a last name and pass it on to the child, if that child doesn't give birth to a grandchild, and if the grandchild inherits the name of the marriage partner, it will be interrupted anyway.
It's a fight with a shelf life of 100 years.
Conversely, if you have 2 children, there may be a way to have them each inherit their name.
Currently, even if you get married, it would be possible to use your maiden name in many situations such as work.
“If you compete, it's not enough, but if you make concessions, it's left over.”
It's just fine to make up with each other.
If you break it, it's an immediate solution.
Obsessions cause trouble, suffering, and stress.
Let's draw the lottery without any grudge.

What do you value? Can you agree with the reason you don't want to change it?

Even when you say “marriage,” what do you want to cherish? There are a lot of decisions to make. So maybe that level of importance is slightly different between you and your girlfriend.

Why doesn't she want to change her last name? Why are you obsessed with your last name?
The things they both want to cherish are the same. Because since I was born until now, I have taken that surname, so it's natural that they are attached to it.

If you think “I don't like my last name that much,” it's also the same thing that you think to her to “throw away your last name.” It means that women have that much mentality. Getting married also means leaving your parents' village. There are also people who are so prepared to get married. I was prepared to marry at the temple. That's why my sister has taken over her parents' house. My parents' house is my old house, so my younger sister and her husband changed their last name as heirs.

If you change it, it won't be solved even if you put up various conditions for getting it changed. Well then, marriage is difficult...

Marriage decides a lot of things. That's because it means becoming one.
Even after marriage, problems to overcome will occur one after another. Nothing will be decided simply by passing our own will. We have to come to terms somewhere. If that's a difficult partner, it won't work even if you get married.

What do you value? Can they be convinced why they don't want to change each other?
Please have a thorough discussion.

Please discuss once again a landing point where we can sincerely respect each other

As a person who walks the path of the Buddha, I carefully read the concerns that the consultant had.

In Buddhism, there is a term called “obsession (obsession).” The fact that you felt angry that “my last name was rejected,” and that she cried “I don't want to change who I am now,” is suffering caused by each other's strong attachment to “one's own surname (identity)” and “normal form seen from the world.” She doesn't hate your last name; she's just confused about letting go of her birth name.

Proposals to “know each other's roots” or the act of searching for a “method to decide on complete equality” are rather arithmetic measures of superiority or inferiority and conditions, and cause the other party to “break up the dispute due to family status, etc.” Also, it is not a good idea to proceed with the wedding conversation in the current situation where she is quietly looking at the wish you conveyed “after securing your registration.” There is a risk that it will later become a major failure.

Please stop and move away from your obsession with the “shape” of a wedding or family register. There are also realistic compromises such as “using a common name of your maiden name,” which compensates for the inconvenience of social life, but if both sides remain in a state where they “don't want to give up even one step” in the first place, it would be difficult for them to be partners who overcome the rough seas of life together.

They are two people who are related and have been together for 3 years. Please discard the idea of “which one will win or lose,” and once again discuss a landing point where we can sincerely respect each other. If a compromise still doesn't come true, then taking a different path is also a choice to make the most of each other.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

What really matters is our relationship with each other

I read it.
I see... a lot of things happened. Aren't you also very exhausted? I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.

According to the Constitution, marriage is made with the consent of two people. Socially, it is now getting better even for married couples with different surnames.

Please try to calm down for now. Don't be in a hurry. Let's calm down for a moment. Also, please take your time and talk with the two of you from now on.

For me personally, how about something that keeps getting too particular about surnames? I think so. What matters is our relationship with each other. Since we are going to live together from now on, I think there will also be various differences. It is very important for the two of you to calmly face these differences one by one.
Knowing your roots can be very important, but there's no need to worry about that either. That's because people don't get married because of their roots.

I sincerely pray that you and her will cherish and respect each other, help the future, share happiness, and survive.
And I wholeheartedly support you and her.

Do your best to pull the reins while considering slow speed

We are happy to discuss it.

I've been in a relationship with her for half a year and have now proposed for 3 years.
She actually wants to get married with a different surname.

You were raised in a very proper family, and I feel that your sensitivities are correct.

If I like it, I don't want a factual marriage; I want to register properly.

If there is also a pattern where the registration is on the other side, I would like to know the roots.

Let's go check it out together.

I think it's an act of love.
Because I like it, I want to keep moving forward.

She seems to have a slightly different sensibility from yours.
It seems like there are a lot of free women like that these days.

What do you call the feeling that “I have no choice but to break down” is a rebellion against society's pressure that women lose something or that they cannot proceed unless they follow their partner...

Please understand that I'm not saying I don't like you or anything like that.

Also, when talking deeply, big fights are likely to occur.

It makes me feel like my personal space has been violated.
It's not your fault,
However, simply, I think she doesn't like being known or snooped on.

Also, it looks like she wants to get married soon, so I wonder if I should do it for you first? I also think so.

Conversely, if you can't get married because your last name hasn't been decided,

There are many other things that need to be decided.
Where to live, when do you make children, or don't you need them. What to do with my home? Education policy when children are born. A way to live. old age. Parental hassle.

I feel like the control must be done by you, so

Give up where there is no problem even if you give it away and it's not stressful

I think it would be good to persuade them that this would be negative for both of them no matter what.

The way to persuade them also probably depends on the balance of power after getting married

There seems to be a need to build that area.

But everyone butts their knees and has discussions while exchanging opinions, even while fighting.
That is the couple's joint work.

There are people who get divorced because of that, and there are also couples who work hard to overcome it and deepen their bond.

Please hold the reins firmly, and pull them with slow and quick control.

I'm rooting for you 🙏

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