Parents who throw things away without permission

I decided to leave my parents' house on the occasion of my marriage, but since I can't throw things away, I sorted the things I wanted to dispose of when organizing my home beforehand and asked my parents to dispose of them.
However, after a while, I had errands, and when I went back to my parents' house, part of the collection in my room had also been disposed of, and I was stunned. Not all of them, apparently the parents made their own decisions and disposed of some of them.
In the past, they have been disposed of without permission or put up for sale, and at that time, I even advised not to throw away things in the room without permission. However, since I was gone, it was decided that there was no advice.
(I think it's probably a sense of courage that since I left the house, I wouldn't be able to say anything if I dispose of it in the meantime)
Also, since the things that were disposed of this time were not miscellaneous, they were organized and stored and displayed, so I was so amazed that I couldn't say anything to my parents anymore.
What I just said I disposed of hasn't come back...
Even after that, they were “organized” without permission, and my room had a completely different landscape from when I was there, and I felt lonely every time I went home. Some things were made when I was a kid, and there were also things I had a fondness for.
Other than that, I'm not on good terms with my parents, so I still go home from time to time, talk, and go out, but suddenly, I wonder what my parents were. The moment I left the house, I was rejected if I didn't belong to this family. I have that feeling.
What's more, my husband also likes the collection, but it seems that the Yoshizane family's room is the same as it was back then, and my mother-in-law only occasionally cleaned it, and even more so, I thought my parent's behavior was strange.
Moreover, things brought from my parents' house after disposing of mine are displayed, so when viewed from the side, my parents' behavior this time seems increasingly selfish.
How should I sort out this fuzzy feeling?

4 Zen Responses

Let go of your obsession with past space and parental behavior

I'm sorry for the loneliness of losing my precious mementos and feeling like I no longer have a place for myself at my parents' house. However, I dare to talk about it from a slightly harsh Buddhist point of view.

There is a teaching in Buddhism that “everything changes (various actions are impermanent).” Now that you have left your parents' house on the occasion of your marriage, that room is already “your room in the past,” and the parents are the owners of the current space. When you reached your 30s and became independent, building a new family, the fact that you left the organization of your own life up to your parents, and that you didn't come with a really important collection with your new home, I think there was a sense of indulgence that you should let go of yourself.

The fact that you feel “your parents are strange” compared to the state where your husband's parents' house is left as it is also comes from the obsession “I want our surroundings to be the way we want them to be” that we ordinary people (bonbu) tend to fall into. The feeling that it is natural for parents to leave plenty of space for their children is nothing more than a framework within themselves that “both your parents' house and your new home are your own.” The fact that another item is displayed after the parents dispose of their own things is also proof that the parents are beginning a new life and time as a married couple.

The way to sort out this fuzzy feeling is to complete the “separation from parents” in your own heart. Let's draw a clear boundary with “parents are parents, I am myself,” and let go of obsessions about past spaces and parents' actions.

What you should pour your heart and soul into from now on is not your room at your parents' house in the past, but a new home you are building for the future. Instead of always being sad from the standpoint of a “child protected by the shell of my parents' house,” try moving forward to a state where you can quietly watch over your parents' new lives as an independent adult.

worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo Law

Because I left my parents' house

Certainly, I don't want to be disposed of without permission.
However, if you have left your parents' house and set up your own home, moving all of your personal belongings may be the way it should be.
“Don't you think it will last forever, parents and home”
There are a lot of people in the world who can't leave a room at their parents' house.
Your parents may think that the fact that you keep leaving personal items at your parents' house is a hindrance.
For example, there is a possibility that some elderly people will sell off their homes and move to compact homes suitable for living in old age.
Your parents are tempted to throw away your personal belongings.
At that time, parents experienced the pain of “wanting to throw it away.”
In order to make your parents feel better, it is better to reduce your personal belongings at your parents' house or move everything to your new home.
If you can't live in such a big house with your current financial strength, it also means that you have personal belongings that are out of place.
Better yet, it might be better to build a position where you can continue to place things in a fair and dignified manner, to the extent that your parents pay the rent for your parents' room and let you use it as a storeroom.
If the situation doesn't change, the parents' suffering of “wanting to throw it away” won't go away either.

Let's take a good look at the parents' personalities and keep important things close at hand.

If you've made a promise, it would be terrible to throw it away without your permission.
However, as far as I've heard the story, parents don't seem to feel that it is very important because they are forgetful, there is no boundary between their own things and children's things, and whether they can throw away what they leave behind. They're not good at keeping things organized, and they probably have the feeling that parents can touch their children's belongings.

Therefore, I feel that it is dangerous to leave personal belongings at my parents' house where such sensible parents live.

It's my parents' house, but when you get married, your home is born anew, so moving everything there is called independence. Let's sort and organize our heavy luggage even more in the future.

Between the time my engagement was decided and I got married, got married, and got married without leaving anything at my parents' house. Even though it's my parents' house, it's my parents' house, so I want to keep it properly vacated. What happened to that? Manage and store your own things yourself so you don't have to ask your parents. If you do that, it won't cause trouble, right?

Let's take a good look at the parents' personalities and keep important things close at hand. That's safe.

Do your best to create a new family

You're a collector, aren't you?
I think you have had a lot of trouble with the storage space.

Even when single, I've heard stories such as getting into a fight with my parents' house over a storage place, renting a room with all of my collection items, and becoming independent.

My parents' house was built by my parents.

You were born there as a kid.
Basically, it's your parents.

Whether it's an animal or a bird, there is a ceremony where children leave the nest when they grow up, and children leave the nest.
The nest then returns to the parent couple's original home.

The fact that his collection remains untouched in his house probably means he left his parents' house so that his parents would inherit that house when they got old.

The circumstances are probably different, so I think it's better not to compare his parents' house with my own.

Your parents are happy to see their happy child become independent, and they may be lonely, but I think they want to regain their time just like husband and wife.

I'm saying it's tough,
The collection is at your own risk.
If you can't manage it with your own ability, I think it will be difficult. (I had quite a few friends and acquaintances who were collectors...)

Leaving luggage at the parents' house suggests the possibility that the marriage will not go well and they will come back out.

You are the one who is going to start a family.
Please do your best to figure out how to build up your family.

Additional note, at your parents' house, you may plan nursing care by putting your grandparents in the room you used, or you may sell your house and move to an apartment that is easy to manage.
If it's an important collection, why don't you rent a container and put it in? Of course, you pay for the container.
You are now independent from your parents' house.

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