I want to somehow live positively even when I'm sick

Nice to meet you.
I read the Hasunoha article that was published in the Asahi Shimbun, and I had a consultation with them.

As described in my profile, I was finally able to get a job from home in 2024, and I can't say that my income is high due to the employment of people with disabilities, but I was a little relieved when I thought about the future.

However, even after getting a job, I feel somewhat lethargic and always lazy.
I don't think it's good to just stay at home, so I go outside once in a while, but since I'm also an HSP, I get tired just going to places where people are.
I often hear “it's good to take a walk,” but I'm worried about the eyes of passers-by, and I don't feel that walking is comfortable.

Until my illness worsened, I liked watching Western-style movies and going to live shows, so recently I've been trying it again, but no matter what I do, I don't think it's as fun as it used to be.

Will I stay like this until my illness is cured?
Will it go into remission in the first place?
I feel that HSPs, in particular, cannot be easily changed because of their temperament rather than illness.

Looking back, I was always looking for meaning in life.
This may have been the case since I was in the upper grades of elementary school, long before I was diagnosed with the disease.
She was serious, and her exam results were pretty good, and I think she was an untouchable kid, especially from the point of view of school teachers.
Then I went on to college, but when I graduated in 2010, I was unable to adapt to society and stumbled brilliantly.

I'm currently 38 years old, but isn't it good that I'm still living at my parents' house due to illness and low income?
Being in the same space as someone 24 hours a day in a marriage is stressful for me, so I can't think of it.
In the first place, after becoming ill, I feel that there were almost no marriage options due to the thought that “the other party would be bothered.”
For some reason, there was also the fact that only men with a moral temperament stopped by.
But in the end, I myself couldn't be positive about getting married or having children.
I was in an imperfect state with my illness, and I really didn't think I could do enough for my child.

I feel stuffy about living all this time, and it's an abstract expression, but I feel like I'm thirsting for “freedom.”
However, don't I have enough determination and a sense of responsibility to be able to live a free life?

I'm sorry for the disorganized sentence.
I would be grateful if you could give me any advice.

4 Zen Responses

Rita-sama

I thought it was wonderful that you wanted to stay the way you are and live positively.
HSPs are also unique, so I thought it was important not to try to change them, but to accept them and acknowledge “I am like this.”
I think it's not just about giving up, it's about clarifying one's way of life.
You can crave “freedom.” You can try to live freely.
As you said, responsibility and strength are required, but I think that responsibility and strength do not make you stronger compared to others, and that being compassionate to yourself, feeling the warmth of your own heart, and making your heart overflow with kindness will become the strength to support you.
First, heal yourself by doing meditation etc. to calm your mind
Then, remember that you felt kindness and compassion, and cultivate that sense. I fill myself with kindness by making sure that I can always remember something that calms my mind, or that feeling can be revived at any time.
Then by gradually grasping what supports your heart
You'll notice that it wasn't lacking; it was right within you.

You're amazing just the way you are. I believe that the time will come when your life will shine brightly.
One bow

PS: Thank you for your kind reply.
You can still fervently remember the person who picked up the pass case and ran to deliver it. Reading that person's feelings of wishing for happiness warmed my heart too.
As you said, I think having time to quietly remember such memories is a form of fostering compassion. Regardless of the form of meditation, it's enough just to enjoy a little bit of warmth when you suddenly remember it.
And if you have days where you're tired and don't feel anything, don't blame yourself. Taking a day off on that day is also about taking care of yourself.
I hope that little by little, you can direct that kind feeling towards others towards yourself. Please go ahead and take your time at your own pace.
I also appreciate your consideration for me. I pray that the time you can spend with peace of mind will gradually increase. Please do not hesitate to contact us via email when it is difficult or difficult. Regret

Thank you for your question.
If you think about starting once your illness is over, you may not be able to do anything.
So I think it would be a good idea to start doing what you can in the current state.
Living at my parents' house is recommended because there are no housing costs.
Let's look for things we can still do in our free time between working from home.
It's common for Western-style movies and the stage not to be as fun as when you were young.
After all, my experiences, knowledge, and sensitivities are different between when I was young and now.
It means I've grown into an adult woman since before.
If you're looking for stimulation, it might be a good idea to try something you've never done before.
If you haven't met your marriage partner, I think it's a good idea to try matchmaking.
It would be nice if you could find someone who will accept you just the way you are, someone you can be with and not feel stressed.
I think people who live their lives well and enjoy their lives even if they don't have good encounters or are single are wonderful.
I think the freedom you seek is to stop thinking about how your family, neighbors, and people around you view you, place importance on what you want, and the freedom to take on challenges without fear of failure.

There is also a place where we can acknowledge each other while being loosely connected when we like.

Since people are born, the world they live in expands steadily with their homes, schools, and society, and the people involved also have more relationships. It's also growth, and it can also be complicated and swayed by things. I think people who can ride the social waves well are probably suited to their environment, and if their feelings are shaken by those waves, they may get tired of people and society.

I think your HSP also has the advantage of taking a leisurely step forward.
However, society these days is rapidly changing, and large waves of rationalization and efficiency are constantly occurring as AI progresses, and people around us are riding that wave more and more. It also makes me feel like I'm being pulled away more and more, and I don't think I can keep up.

I'm at last too. You may also feel that social waves are huge and the flow of people is fast.

However, in the midst of that, you should stick to your own style. If there is a place called a rock where you can take a break, sit down on it and move forward while being swept away by the waves when it's gentle.

I, too, am being swept away while searching for safe waves. We both want to make sure we don't drown, right?

There may be no complete “freedom” in this society. Even though they are swept away by something in society in this way, they will probably be connected. However, in a space where you can feel safe, don't be afraid to spend your time freely as you please.

Your family and marriage partner aren't the only ones living with you. I think there are places where we can acknowledge each other when we like while being loosely connected in this way.

I hold a location meeting (once every 2 months) in Wakayama city. It's also connected online. It's free. I think the space where you can relax and chat at such a pace is also comfortable.

Hasunoha has also been going on for over 10 years. I've always been connected to someone next to me.
Why don't you get your own place while adapting to who you are now?

Bask in the sun, brain rhythm exercise

The first reason why “walking is good” is probably that being bathed in sunlight produces vitamin D, which leads to prevention of “depression,” the second is that walking is a rhythmic exercise for the brain and has the effect of regulating serotonin nerves, and the third is that people may feel a sense of happiness just by moving and changing the scenery.
Therefore, it would be nice if we could replace sunbathing, brain rhythm exercises, happiness, and mood changes separately using methods such as walking.
It seems that just chewing gum, for example, is good for brain rhythm exercises.
The fact that major leaguers chew gum during games seems to have a relaxing effect and an effect of increasing concentration.
For example, it's good to chant Nembutsu (namu amidabu) and sutras at a fixed rhythm, and it seems that zazen breathing techniques are also good.
For a sense of happiness and a change of mood, I think anything is good, such as humming a song you like, reading or watching videos. Just watching the continuation of the drama series makes me pretty happy.
It takes you away from “delusional distractions” that make you think about the past, the future, and yourself and others, and rests your mind.
There isn't enough pain for a second now, to death from shock.
If you only look at “here and now,” it's a surprisingly peaceful life.
If you think so and live for this 1 second, you can live for the next 1 second after all.
Then, until the time when you can really die of shock comes, if you live until you die, you have passed the test life.
A life where you can only do what you can do anyway.
I think we should do what we can do now to the extent we can.
The Buddha called Amitabha will forgive you, take care of you, and welcome you to the Pure Land of Paradise when you pass away someday.
Namu Amida Buddha,
Namu Amidabu Namu Amidabu
Namuami dabu namu amidabu,
Namahmidabunnamdoodoodoodoodd
Let's humble nembutsu at your favorite tempo.

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