Daughter's death

I have a family with a husband, eldest daughter 15 years old, and second daughter 10 years old.
The day before the junior high school graduation ceremony two months ago, my eldest daughter collapsed in the morning and passed away half a day after being carried away.
It was caused by a malignant tumor in the liver that had ruptured. It is said that symptoms are less likely to occur, so they probably didn't understand it, but after a crazy funeral, they blamed themselves over the days and there were so many things they wanted to do that they regretted it, they were lonely and wanted to meet them, and I wanted to hear about the last step, the smiling daughter, the daughter who hugged her, and the mother, and it was hard to remember.
They don't seem to want to watch the second daughter cry, and even if I just do some shopping, my older sister says that this is what my older sister would want, my older sister says don't say it.
The two girls were also crying on that nightmarish day.
I'm still gaping in the hole that I might have been dreaming for 15 years.
The part time has also resumed and it's still fine outside
It's painful to remember.
Does it mean anything that I was born on my husband's birthday and died on my birthday? I would be grateful if you could give me advice on how to think about feelings and live for both my second daughter and my eldest daughter.
Thank you for your support.

4 Zen Responses

Please cherish your sorrow

Junchi-sama

It is said that my 15 year old eldest daughter suddenly passed away 2 months ago.
I can see how deep the suffering is, and that you are in unimaginable pain.
I would like to express my sincere condolences.

This is my first child born on my husband's birthday, so I think it was 15 years since I spent a lot of time raising them.
The depth of Junchi-san's suffering comes from 15 years of pouring love into it, so I don't think it's possible to let it fade overnight.
Please be deeply saddened and shed your tears. Isn't it okay to be sad for 5 or 10 years?

There may be people who say, “If you're sad, you can't think of anyone who died,” but I don't think that's the case. The eldest daughter, formed by a Buddha, always looks at Junchi peacefully, even when she is crying, angry, or laughing. I think so.

Also, I understand the feeling that Junchi-san passed away on her birthday makes you wonder if there is any meaning, but I think it can only be described as a “relationship.”

There are many forms of “losing a loved one.”
There are also people who lost it suddenly or in a short period of time and regret not being able to do anything or not being able to take good care of it.
If you think about it, they are exhausted from long-term nursing/nursing and think “I want that time to come soon,” and there are also people who feel guilty about that thought.
In any case, I don't think there are that many people who can send out their loved ones with no regrets and with satisfaction.

I also lost an important senior at the beginning of this year. That being said, it's not a family, and it can't be compared to Junchi-san's suffering.
However, I had a determination in my heart to “be the kind of person I can be proud of for my senior who passed away in the Pure Land, 'that Urakami is my junior' and other Buddhas.”

Junchi-san. Isn't it okay to just be sad right now? I think it's also important to have time to face grief directly.

Junchi-sama.

It is said that the eldest daughter suddenly passed away two months ago.
How much suffering is deep in the hearts of you, your husband, and your second daughter
I understand that you are in unimaginable pain.
We also offer our sincere condolences and pray for the immediate death of the principal image of our temple.

Right now, I'm happy every day praying for my daughter's soul.
However, you can't blame yourself or your family.
That is why my daughter who passed away makes me sad...
That's because I'm not praying for my daughter's soul.

As Tetsuya Urakami also said,
“When You're Sad, You Can't Think of Someone Who Died”
There may be people who say, etc., but I'm not responding to that right now.

Right now, I'm just sad and I'm in a good time.
Now is the time to seriously face grief...
And that is the path that leads to the days of praying for my daughter's soul...
If you and your family come to the point where you and your family think of a memorial service for your “older sister,”
Please do a memorial service for your “older sister.”

Also... “Is there any point in being born on my husband's birthday and then dying on my birthday?” But if I had to say it in a nutshell, I'd say “relationship.”
If you keep this “relationship” in mind, your older sister will always be by your side.

I think it would be nice if the second daughter could refrain from “older sister... etc.”
Let's have a period of time for her to keep her “older sister” in her own way...

Also, the hearts of you and your family are inevitably filled with sorrow,
If you want to talk to someone, don't hesitate to contact us or the “Suicide Prevention Network “Kaze”
It doesn't matter if you call me.
Please take a look at the address below.
http://www.soudannet-kaze.jp/

In order to overcome “separation from love”

Junchi-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is a humble answer to the question.

I'm guessing that the early death of my beloved child... a sudden breakup that was completely impossible to anticipate, with no mental preparation... is suffering in the midst of really unbearable feelings. I offer my sincere condolences.

“Does it mean that I was born on my husband's birthday and died on my birthday?” ・・

If you come up with this meaning, I think the answer is probably not easy to come up with. However, from this, what I think is that the eldest daughter was definitely chosen and given birth to your couple, and while being carefully nurtured, she was loved and had a short life, but I am sure she had a happy time. I hope you go to a good place, and I would like to express my feelings for Junchi-sama's eldest daughter, and I would like to offer a memorial service for good fortune.

“How should I live my life thinking about my feelings for my second daughter and for my eldest daughter”...

If it's the eldest daughter, I'm sure there are things I couldn't do for my second daughter. Of course, while holding on to your precious memories up until now, it is thought that your second daughter is also the eldest daughter, so please take good care of your second daughter.

However, in Buddhism, it is also important to determine what matters most about life and death depending on Buddhist relationships. Along with the memorial service at the family temple, I recommend that it be an opportunity to further learn about Buddhism in order to overcome this “Aibetsu Rebellion.”

Regarding bereavement from loved ones, I have given humble answers to the following questions until now, and I hope you can take any time to refer to them.

Question “About the death of a friend”
http://hasunoha.jp/questions/91
Approach to “separation from love”

Question “What does it mean to suffer at the end of your life”
http://hasunoha.jp/questions/95
An Invitation to the Four Sacred Temples

I sincerely pray for the eldest daughter's soul.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

Two people you should love and face are right around the corner.

A woman living in Kanagawa prefecture who lost her daughter at age 25 seems to have “as if time had stopped” from that day on.
This is the mother's story I heard from my younger sister, Reiko.

“Even after the death of my older sister, Junko, my mother compared me to my older sister and kept on saying bad things about me.
Among my mother, since that day my older sister passed away, my older sister hasn't changed, and it's still a beautiful memory.
I grow old with my mom.
Well, we're both human, so mother and daughter didn't give up everything about themselves, and they constantly clashed into each other on an ugly side.”

It seems that no matter how long her mother had passed, Reiko continued to regret not accepting her mother, Reiko, who was obsessed with the past.
She confessed her wishes, grudges, and concerns about her mother to me, and finally stopped looking for her ideal way of being because she couldn't change her.

This is what she said in her hospital room.
“Tange, what is a parent's greatest love
It's about acknowledging and forgiving, saying, “You can just stay the way you are.”
This seemed like Reiko's wish for her mother.

The proper way to love children was left to me as a will,
I quietly left this world. My younger sister, Reiko, actually had cancer.

It was the night of the wake when Reiko passed away.
“My older sister Junko was a good kid”
is this person sure of his mind...!? To be honest, I thought that.
“While comparing my older sister and sister who have passed away even though my second daughter has died...”
I thought I wouldn't go in any further.

What I want to say is that you will be firm in dealing with your second daughter.
I think you're probably no longer able to properly face your husband, second daughter, and surroundings because of yourself and your eldest daughter.
It's about pouring love into the second daughter more than the love you gave to your eldest daughter.

Please show this content to your husband. And the couple should discuss it.
Please show it to the next girl too.
In the future,
Your husband's birthday is the day your eldest daughter was born in this world,
Your birthday is the anniversary of the death of someone born in the country of the Buddha
Please celebrate their birth along with the couple's birthday.

It will surely open up a new path for the eldest daughter and her family to walk together.

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