I don't fit in with the denomination I'm married to

My parents' house is the Jodo sect, and there are many Jodo sects in the surrounding area, and my uncle was a Tendai sect, but the flow wasn't much different from the Jodo sect.
My husband's father passed away last month, and I'm confused because my bride is in the Otani school of the Shinshu sect, and I've never experienced anything from how to burn incense until now.
My husband didn't seem to know much, and after the funeral, I raised incense sticks to the altar to say hello, but when I looked it up on the internet, I found out that incense sticks are folded into 2 or 3, and I was in a hurry.
My husband's parents' house is far away from the prefecture, so I listen to things I don't understand on the phone as much as possible, but if there's anything I need to be careful about from now on, such as the 49th, the 100th day memorial service, the first festival, and the first anniversary, please give me some advice.
The husband is the second son, and the mourner and client is the husband's older brother, who is the eldest son of the deceased.

4 Zen Responses

Manners are just a story on the monk's side

I'm sorry for your father-in-law. Even though it's difficult, it seems that they are often confused by the differences in various manners, so I'm not only worried.

In my case, I am most thankful to be told to tell me because I don't know.
If you talk about why this must be done, it could also be a denial of other denominations.
Also, “this should be done in the ○○ sect” is just a story on the monk's side, and I don't think it's about forcing those attending. Why is it disrespectful to the cook, even if you eat steak or pasta with chopsticks?

You can confidently say “I don't know.”

I'm a monk of the Otani school of Shinshu...

There is no one who is the age of “Ashitaba” and is familiar with the method. If you are interested, please ask any questions to the temple in charge.

By the way, don't worry, there is absolutely no such thing as being rude or punishable because it is the practice of another sect.

If you don't get used to sectarian manners, there's no problem at all.

The doctrine of Shinshu is not bound by manners.
What happens if the manners are wrong?
It's just “disrespectful,” so there's no problem at all.

I always try to talk about manners and their meanings, such as “the posture of gassho,” “burning incense,” “handling sutras,” “handling rosaries,” and “memorial services.”

It's fine if you ask the chief priest of the family temple again about manners.
It may be okay to ask about complicated manners here, but there are many cases where the chief priest's thoughts distort manners, so I think it's best to ask at the family temple.

※By the way, folding incense sticks is a matter of convenience.
Shinshu lays incense sticks to sleep.
If left as is, it won't fit in the incense burner, so I just fold it so that it's shorter.
There is no custom where you have to fold it.
If it's an oblong incense burner or a large incense burner that can be put to rest as is, there is no need to fold it.

The chief priest will explain it to you each time.

It is common to see differences in manners depending on the purpose and denomination. As you said, the number of times incense is burned, how to offer incense sticks, the number of times it is burnt, etc.

The Otani school of the Shinshu sect has differences in ways of thinking about death, and differences from other denominations are remarkable, such as not enshrining a place of rank.

It feels complicated, but in fact, these are the only typical differences.

The person I visited the other day was from the Soto sect, but my personal belief is the Nichiren sect.
So they lined up two Buddhist altars of the Soto sect and Nichiren sect, and they each put their hands together.

I see, I thought there were ten people with different faiths.

The monk will explain “Please do this” each time on the 49th or 100th, so it's fine. Please don't worry.

By the way, I can't let incense sticks sit because incense burner ash burns...
If it gets burnt, I feel like I won't be able to pray well.

It may be different from manners, but it's my faith, including this kind of thing.
I hope it will be a good memorial service.

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