It's repentance, self-loathing due to self-weakness
There is a similar consultation, but please forgive me for consulting with you.
From about half a month after I started living alone, I somehow lost confidence in myself, lost sight of my intention to rely on, and felt sad and at a rock bottom in the middle of the night. I didn't like that, and I regret getting double plastic surgery because I wanted to change it. It would be nice if this was a perfect success, but I had the impression that the double, which had a sense of incongruity with makeup, had failed, and my self-loathing progressed further from there, and I felt like I wanted to die every night for a while.
I confessed to my parents just before surgery, but even if I apologize after surgery, I can't get rid of the feeling that I can't fully apologize. Also, I don't want my stupid self to be known, so I can't confess to my friends.
I lived alone in a land where I had no acquaintances due to going to college, and even though the environment changed drastically from before, I only kept in touch with my original acquaintances and parents to the minimum necessary, went to college seriously, and lived a serious life.
But I was struck by the reality that no one looked down on me, and my days of feeling depressed like I had never experienced in my life until now continued.
I think it was the first time I felt that I was really alone.
However, I have many friends at university, and my relationships with my parents are originally good. I'm the type that is said to always be cheerful and laugh in college. However, there isn't a single person I can show my negative side to.
Also, my family didn't worry more than necessary, so it wasn't easy to get in touch with them. Once last year, I was terribly shocked that the report of when I almost got into an accident was bad, and far from being worried by my father or sister, I was scolded a little bit. This is where I came to the idea that I wanted to be loved by someone who had left home, and I came to the idea that I wanted to be loved by someone else.
It would have been nice if they had a lover, but unfortunately they weren't there, so hopelessness and assumptions progressed in the middle of the night, and I had plastic surgery. I am filled with the feeling that I have betrayed the only family that loved me.
I don't feel that my foolish self, with unfaithful parents, is unnecessary in society.
I worked pretty hard in my studies, and I get evaluations once in a while, but it doesn't lead to confidence, and I really don't have confidence in anything.
How can I walk with a strong forward gaze?
Please tell me if there are any good ways to make this feeling easier.
Also, I would be happy if you could suggest any helpful books or experiments.