It looks like it's no good

Nasu-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is my humble answer to the question.

A “memorial service” means nurturing (the Buddha's teachings) for a companion (partner).

Please think that it is the path for you, your boyfriend, and me to all reach true happiness if you, your boyfriend, and I all thoroughly learn and practice Buddhism under the same teachings of the Buddha.

Also, please turn (forward to everyone) the merits and good deeds that you practice regardless of size in the Buddha's teachings so that you, your boyfriend, me, and everyone will benefit (be useful) to reach enlightenment.

In this secular and mundane situation, the preciousness of doing difficult merits and good deeds is an immeasurable power.

Please live, face forward and survive, keep your relationship with your boyfriend the same, and practice the Buddha's teachings, even for a little while, I would be truly grateful and precious.

I'll never leave Nasu-sama alone. You probably have family and friends, and so are the Hasunoha monks.

Please continue to talk about your feelings.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

He's already dead, isn't he? We'll never meet again. Thinking and continuing to think about people who aren't there anymore just keeps you wandering around in suffering. Realize that you're ruining your life underfoot. I think it's sad that he passed away. But it's even sadder to keep hoping to meet someone you can't meet.
You have the power to live even if you don't think about him that much. Memories with him will stay in your memory. Even if you do something else, it won't go away, so please live your life with peace of mind.

I heard about your painful feelings.
You may feel guilty and sorry right from the end, but he won't blame him for doing anything.
If you have that kind of feeling, realize and accept that you are not blaming him.

And what we must accept above all else is “his death.” I'm not saying you should forget him or not remember him.

However, I think it is necessary to meet again.

This is a fresh encounter from “him as a living person” up until now to “him who becomes a Buddha and works for you.”

I won't be able to meet my real boyfriend anymore. That's what death is. But as a Buddha, he will always work for you.

The way you worry about him is actually something he is worried about. That is his function as a Buddha.

“I want Nasu to live her life. I want them to be happy.”

I think that's what I hope. Let's say Namu Amida Buddha and Nembutsu and thank him for his wishes.

He taught me something important.

Everything changes and is finite (his death) ~ everything is impermanent
However, there is a function (his wish) that cannot be lost even after death - Namu Amida Buddha, Muryoju

Nasu-sama must accept reality and be happy,
No matter what Nasu-sama thinks or how he lives, he won't suffer anymore. However, it is Nasu-sama herself who suffers from Nasu-sama's thoughts and actions.

He wants you to notice that.

Namu Amida Buddha

I understand Nasu's painful feelings.
I think it's a very unbearable feeling.
I think you're in the middle of the pain right now, but don't get too caught up in the present. Now is not everything. I think it's time to calm down a bit now. I don't mind crying at all. While being supported by the people around you, I want you to be aware of calming yourself without getting too emotional.
Then, as you gradually become able to calmly face your own feelings, think about what he wants from Nasu-san in the future. I want you to be able to think about how you can make him happy, and how you can become who you are so that you can face him with all your heart. Of course, I'm aware of how difficult it is right now.
On top of that, I believe he wants Nasu to do his best to survive.

I've read your question. For you, I think the hardest thing in your life up until now is surging you.
Why did he pass away?
This question probably won't be answered right now.
That's because the person himself isn't here.
Even if they were there, they might not understand it. There are times when our thoughts rise and we instantaneously run into action.
I also lost a friend to suicide. It was already about 20 years ago, and I still have things to think about. I wonder why?
However, there is no answer. Even if it's because I'm lonely or because it's painful, I have no choice but to endure it. Be patient, live your life while embracing that feeling, don't put up with it, don't blame him, and live your life while empathizing with him.
In this world, you can pray for him with your feelings, but you have no idea what's going on in the other world, and if you don't do well, you may even lose your feelings for him. I have no idea what the world is like over there. So, here and now, in this world, you can only live by embracing your feelings for him, and that is the only thing that neither you nor I can do. People are born alone and then leave alone. That's life.
Please live through your life. I think surviving will be a memorial service for him as well as for yourself.
Like the waves rushing in after a typhoon, there will still be many layers of sadness. However, the waves will always calm down. It will definitely happen.
Let's pray for him.
I pray too. Namu Amida Buddha Namu Amida Buddha

I read it. You're really in the midst of grief right now, aren't you?
I sincerely understand your sorrow.
Other than me, there are many other Hasunoha monks who sincerely care about you. You're not alone, are you?
Let's all sincerely think about him and make a memorial service with all of you.
Namu Amida Buddha
I sincerely hope that you will accept it little by little.
Because many monks are with you.