I end up asking myself

I have an older brother. We haven't seen each other in over 30 years.
My husband and I did both my grandmother's funeral and my father's funeral.
My grandmother took care of her for 3 years, and my father took care of her for 14 years.
I'm grateful to my husband. It was a huge financial burden, but it was a disgusting face
They did their best without fail. (No pocket money and overtime) No complaints
I really appreciate it.
A few months ago, the police suddenly told me that my brother had committed suicide.
When I looked it up, they said they contacted me because you're a relative, and I've been in touch for 30 years
The police understood that even if it was said that there was no communication... even if it was said that there was no communication
I was told this one would handle it.
My older brother took out money from his house when he was young, ran away from home, and his family found it
It was working properly when I found it, so I'll forgive this
When I told them to work seriously like this, they just casually came back and did the family business
They say they'll help the family business, but after a while, they take out the money
He was a person who caused trouble to his family by running away from home many times.
As expected, when I'm over 30, my father and relatives are already searching and covering up
They decided to stop it and throw it away, and they were in a state where they had broken ties at all.
My brother didn't contact me either.
I just got a call from the police and they said it didn't matter anymore, but then
I mean, suicide suicide suicide from my head why why over and over
Why didn't they come to apologize and ask for help rather than choose death
My husband was still informed that my older brother committed suicide due to that feeling and mess
I'm not saying that.
something was too heavy mentally... I myself am still angry at what my brother did
It is said that they got angry about how difficult it was for my husband and I, and on top of that, they committed suicide
It's an indescribable complicated feeling.
I don't want this to upset my husband.
Why why... one after the other... I didn't want to listen...
Even though I did my best... I took care of them all the time and organized everything at my parents' house (like the family business
) Even though it was really hard and I wanted to run away, I did my best...
I thought I'd finally be able to live a peaceful life from now on...
I can't get it out of my head... the fact that I committed suicide...
And as time went on, I said it didn't matter anymore, so what happened to my older brother's remains... what should I do... I thought about it one after the other
It's already painful.
What should I have done...

3 Zen Responses

You're right

I read it.
I read that you and your husband have had a hard time taking care of your grandmother and father until now, and they have been bogged down. It must have really been difficult up until now. I would like to express my sincere condolences to you and your husband for your service.

It's about my older brother, but I think he certainly let go out of his house and live through his own selfishness. I also think I've lived as much as I wanted without worrying about my family. And maybe he got stuck and took his own life.

It's certainly not unreasonable for you to think so. But is it really OK for you to have anger, resentment, and hatred towards your older brother? Will that save you? Will my older brother be saved?

Please rest your mind by taking a breath once. Also, please take your time, calm your mind, and think calmly. What is really the right thing to be saved? Please think about it for a while.

If possible, wouldn't it be okay to consult with the family temple about the older brother's remains and leave them alone for a while? Or, I think there are places where you can take care of it even at a familiar temple or the like. Alternatively, you can keep them at our temple. (It's a bit far, so difficult...)

Then, please leave it for a while and think about it carefully.

You'll definitely find the right method.

Grudge and hate don't create anything. Conversely, it pollutes your mind and body and undermines yourself and your surroundings. And it makes people unhappy.

I sincerely pray that your hard work up until now will be rewarded and that you will live a healthy and happy life together every day from now on.

Let's put that thought, including resentment and anger, into your home and do a nenbutsu

Hello Big Mom, I read it. Thank you so much for taking care of your parents and leaving them, and thank you so much for your husband. On top of that, my older brother committed suicide, which I think was really shocking. I also appreciate your feeling that you can't put any more burden on your husband. I have a lot of guesses about my older brother's selfish behavior up until then and the feeling that he died without an apology at the end. To be honest, I don't know how my older brother spent the past 30 years or why he committed suicide. Even though I wanted to apologize, I probably couldn't do it now; including that, I think my older brother should go to Buddha's country, have his father and mother often scold him, and his parents should apologize again. My older brother was probably cremated at the administrative agency where the police department is located, and his bones must have been buried with similar people. What should you have done then? (It was all of a sudden, wasn't it?) I think the answer was unavoidable considering my past events with my older brother. Even our parishioners sometimes hear similar stories. My parents also said, “It can't be helped, they've done enough for my older brother until now. They should be saying, “I appreciate it, thank you.” Please don't blame yourself any more, and I hope you can convey that feeling, anger, and grudge to your older brother at home and then recite Namu Amida Buddha and Nembutsu on top of that. I think that will be enough for a memorial service for my older brother. Together with my parents, I would like to say nenbutsu to my older brother. Namu Amida Buddha

That was great, wasn't it? Ninety percent of suicides result from illness.

Your older brother will never bother you again.
I've cleared up one source of anxiety in my life, so please think that this is good.
There are experts who say that 90% of people who commit suicide are “depressed.”
In other words, even if you say “suicide,” it was actually a “death from illness” (I wanted to commit suicide as a symptom of depression).
Humans usually get sick and die.
That's why that illness is different, such as a visceral disease, a blood disease, or a brain/nerve disease,
In the case of my older brother, he probably committed suicide due to a brain/neurological illness, and symptoms of “I want to commit suicide” appeared.
There's nothing you need to regret or your family to be ashamed of.
My older brother, whom I hadn't seen for a long time, died of illness.
That's all.
It's normal for fish and sea turtles to become separated from their siblings.
It's not a special misfortune for humans to die apart from their siblings.
Don't worry too much about it.
It becomes painful if you try to hide it.
It's normal, so please live normally. You can just talk to your husband normally.

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