About ossuary

Thank you very much for your answers to all the questions.
I've been asking questions about memorial services, Obon, temples, and graves before.

As for the ossuary this time, too, this Obon was my mother's first Obon festival. I haven't been able to bury my bones yet (because my ancestors' graves are in Kagawa prefecture, and I'm not feeling well), so my younger brother, I, am making a memorial service for Buddhist altars and bones. I decided to have the monk come to receive the Obon sutra, but I received a phone call from my older brother who was drunk at noon the day before, and I checked when I should go. Originally, they said they didn't know when they could go, so I told them that if it was a day when the monk could come, I wanted them to come early, and that the next day would be fine any time. Also, when my mother told her during her lifetime that she didn't want to go into the tomb of her ancestors in a land she didn't know, my older brother was outraged and broke up with his father? What will our ancestors do? and. My brother has always had a tomb, and they intended to go in and let their daughter take care of them.
As you have answered before, they said that this will continue to be the case since they were removed at the 33rd anniversary, they did not pay a single penny of management fees, etc., and there have been graves until now. Also, even if they were removed, it would be over when they died.
I don't think it will end with death at all, and I'm reluctant to be enshrined. If I didn't like my mother and father falling apart, they didn't seem to like it when I said they would take over my father's bones, and at last they didn't even come together for Obon. I told the monk when they came, but they didn't say that this was bad, so I asked for a memorial service where the person himself was the best. My older brother has no intention or financial resources to move his grave here. I've also talked about my father's bones, but he doesn't seem to understand anything, and he doesn't even think about it or look it up. On the contrary, I even have free time like you.
Furthermore, the older brother's family alone went so far as to say that they would go to their mother's ossuary, and they also took over the Buddhist altar. For my part, I lived with my sick mother for over ten years, and when she died, I did all the funerals. I get angry at my older brother who says he will take it in all of a sudden when he passes away.
As it is, I'm also thinking about burying my mother in another tomb, and whether it's okay for me to make a memorial service, or better leave everything to my older brother, and I'm also thinking about doing the memorial service myself (setting up a new license plate). I hung up the phone without being able to understand or resolve it. Should I leave it to my eldest son after all?

6 Zen Responses

May your worries be lightened even a little

An Kuma-sama

Once again, this is a deeply troubling issue. I'm worried that my physical strength will be taken away by the heat, my mental strength will be reduced by difficult problems, and my condition will be ruined.

We have received many inquiries until now, but I dared to take a step back and think about this issue from a neutral standpoint.
Then, I thought that my older brother, An Kuma-san, couldn't say that either idea was absolutely right or wrong.

The older brother is an older brother, and he seems to be caught up in the stereotype that “the eldest son himself should see the grave,” “his parents' bones should be put in together,” and “graves should always be passed down from generation to generation.”
Therefore, I think it would be difficult to agree perfectly with Ankuma, who has done a lot of research and is thinking about a good method.

What does An-Kuma-san think?
It was written “Better leave everything to my older brother...” and “Should I leave it to my eldest son after all?”, but are you thinking that you want to avoid futile fights?

What I suddenly thought about was how to bone a small portion of the mother's bones and place them in your own hands for a memorial service.
The amount of bone is large or small, so there is no such thing as which one is the main one. In the first place, bones aren't all of the deceased, and the mother wouldn't be happy that the bear was worried and tormented over her own bones.

Would it be helpful?
I'm trying to make Ankuma's worries even a little easier.

If you can keep your hands together, even in the form of a split bone, it's a memorial service.

I read your words of thanks.

You've supported and cared for your mother since she was alive, and your mother is probably appreciating your thoughts now.
It would be quite difficult to understand the differences of thought with your older brother.

Fragmentation divides bones, so it may feel like tearing apart the body of the deceased... After the Buddha fell, they prayed by dividing the Buddha's stupa (a stone that appears when bones are treated with a special method of burning) into stupas. This means that the Buddha's relationship has spread through division of bone. It also has this meaning, so I think if you can feel your mother on your side and put your hands together, even in the form of a split bone, it will lead to a memorial service.

I often hear similar concerns.

Our parishioners have a similar story.
The eldest son doesn't do anything, so there are people whose second son guards graves
There are a lot of them.
I nursed Ankuma's mother, who had been ill for many years, and took care of her at the end of her life
It would be nice if the hardships were passed on to my older brother, but it seems impossible.
My older brother is just proud that he is the eldest son
Don't you have any real feelings?
It's also a problem to leave your bones as they are forever
If you leave the bones to your older brother and do your own memorial service
Isn't that good?
I also understand how An-kuma's feelings don't subside,
Thinking about the feelings of your deceased parents? I also think so.
An older brother who is particular about shape and an bear who is particular about feelings
There is too much of a divide, and it would be difficult to reconcile.
Please hold a memorial service for them with a feeling that you are satisfied with.
It doesn't make sense to think too far ahead.
Please think about the best memorial service you can do now, taking into account your mother's feelings.

An-kuma-sama.

I read the thank you from the questioner.

I'm relieved that apparently your mind has been decided.
I think that's fine.

I think your mother and your ancestors will also be very happy.

Please ask one more time

To Mr. An Kuma-sama

Thank you and I'm really happy.
However, deep problems persist.

After all, how does the mother want it
Wouldn't it be best to ask the question once again?

I'm bothered this much, so of course I'm worried about the older brother I have a relationship with.
That's a matter of course.
But eventually, there comes a time when you have to decide.
I think it will be difficult with my older brother until then, but it may be a matter of bumping into each other with real intentions. Gassho

That's why people can't own anything

Your older brother's idea of having fun will probably change, so don't interfere and keep it quiet.
If you have a chance, one way is to tell them again about your mother's intentions during her lifetime and split the bone.
First, I think it's okay to set up individual rank cards and Buddhist altars at home so that arrangements can be made for the mother at any time. Neither bones nor graves “belong to anyone.” There are also houses where all siblings have their own cards. It's also good for children's education.
“People can't own anything,” “nothing in this world belongs to anyone,” and “there are no colored things called mine.” This is the Buddha's theory that all laws are selfless.
Therefore, the deceased should not be owned.
The person who wants to own it, and owning it itself is a strange idea, so you should give it to those who want it. There is no soul in bones. Nor is there a soul in the tomb.
If they compete, they will disobey the path, so there is no soul or Buddha heart there.
Our bodies are a gift from heaven.
You'll give anything back, so you should get away from your obsession.
The most important thing is for you to communicate with your mother first rather than whatever happens after your death.
Because of that, just thinking about your older brother will probably only upset your mind, so I think it would be nice if you could just live your own life well.
Whether the bones or graves are there or not, it is important to offer recompassion for your mother and keep putting your hands together.
Incidentally, if siblings don't get along well, not only will parents be sad, but there are cases where it also has a bad effect on the mentality of nephews and nieces, so please avoid misunderstandings. It's about being independent of each other and eliminating interference.

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