A monk who lost a family member or friend to suicide

Did you lose a loved one to suicide?
If you're just curious, please understand that speaking is very painful and requires energy.

A student died by suicide. I heard that when he passed away after graduation, it was suicide. (I don't want to talk about why here. It's for that kid's honor. I don't want to hurt anyone any more.)
However, if anything happens, I'll remember it.
Why did they rush to die?
I want to go back to those days.
I want to see you again.

I will live my life questioning.
Rely on Namu Amida Buddha until one day, when we meet in the Pure Land. All you have to do is walk along the path of Nembutsu.

It's not like I want to talk in a place like this, but I don't feel like I can speak easily.
I think that's true for anyone who lost a loved one to suicide.

My classmate monk, who practiced with me at Motoyama, committed suicide. The day we went up the mountain was close, so we were on good terms...

Once a year, we gather at the temple of another classmate's monk to help out, and I remember talking about him at that time. But I usually try not to think too much about it. It's a path chosen by a Zen monk who has practiced, so it's not something I'm saying or thinking from the side. It may seem cold to the public, but it is only necessary to recognize him as a Zen monk.

I had him perform several times in response to my answers on hasunoha. If I could do even a little for him what he couldn't do, I think it would be a memorial service for him. However, from his family's point of view, I'm just another person, so I can't write intricate parts without permission. It's just a touch.

I read your question.

I lost my sister to suicide.

It's hard to put it all into words.
I thought that was exactly what it meant.

My father and mother are more than me.
I can't stand it when I think about it.

Every death is sad.
They can die in an accident, lose their illness, or get killed by someone.
Every death is sad, sad, painful, and painful,
I feel that suicide has special sorrow and pain.

Number 1 has no one to hold a grudge against. That's it.
No, I hate myself the most. I wonder if that's it.
I feel that emotion is strongest when I look at my mother.

Of course me too
I wish I had stepped in at that time and listened to my sister's story! The person himself said, “It's okay,” but even if I were forced to do it even more, they said, “What happened!” I wish I had asked!
That thought cannot be wiped away, no matter what logic is put in place.

Even now, I'm still crying while writing a sentence.

After my sister passed away
To be honest, I'm desperate.
Supporting my mother, my three remaining younger sisters who live a little far away from my mother, and my father.
On the 3rd and 4th of a week, I peek in my face and ask how my mother is doing, and when I think about my younger sisters who live under the same roof as their mentally unstable mother, I don't feel like I have to go even if I overdo it.

At the same time, I also feel that they each think of their families that way.

first
It's hard to put into words.
I said that, but I really can't write it down.

It's just,
Even if I pay 10 billion yen or cut my life, no matter what I do, time won't turn back, and people will never come back to life. This isn't cold thinking or anything; it's the truth.
It's something you have to accept.

On top of that,
As Nakata Osho said
I'm really looking forward to having a reunion at Namu Amida Buddha at the Pure Land where my sister waits, grandpa, and grandma wait.

And I can't see or hear from here
I can see this clearly from there, and it seems like I can hear it well.

That's why I want to live my life without being embarrassed by my sister as much as possible.

All humans are going to die. I'll go sometime. My sister left early, but until then I want to live my life to the fullest.
I believe my sister will definitely see me like that and support me.

Eventually, I'll bring a lot of souvenir stories and go to the Pure Land.