My wife's mother's remains

My parents got divorced when I was 3 years old, and my father took my young wife from my mother and began to live with my new mother, and in '51, my child became a member of society and lived with two without living with my wife's parents, just when I had a little bit of room. 1 letter
It's a letter announcing the house. From the Rental Housing Management Association
My mother, whose wife I couldn't meet 49 years ago, died of illness and there are no relatives, so she says fill out the house surrender documents and send them
My wife said it was because my mother, whom I hadn't heard from even once in 48 years, died. I called it a nuisance now, but I saw what kind of lifestyle they had been living for 49 years and asked them to sign documents, and my deceased mother-in-law had the house unlocked in the presence of the government office. The inside of the room was clean and tidy as if they knew about my death. It seems that it's been 4 months since he died at the hospital
It seems that it took time to get to the house. There was a young photo of my wife in the drawer that I had never seen before. My wife had mixed feelings, and it seems that if you don't pick up the remains for 1 year, they will become unrelated. My current mother has treated me well, and it is said that if you don't have love for a mother who never came to see me, it's fine to be unrelated. I think that's sad; what should I do? Also, my mother-in-law had a husband, but it seems like the person in charge of the government office is at that time It was taken, I think it's probably unrelated Buddha
I think I'm going to bury my bones. I hate that the government office is also contacting me now in '48

6 Zen Responses

My birthday is Mother's Day of Suffering

Hiro
My name is Tetsuya Urakami. First, let me check the situation.

・When Hiro's wife (let's say child A) was 3 years old, her parents divorced, Ako was taken in by her father, and her father remarried.
・Ako's birth mother passed away 4 months ago, and she didn't seem to have any relatives, so I was contacted by the Rental Housing Management Association.
・Ako doesn't feel like taking over, but Hiro feels that would be sad.

Is something like the above OK?

As for someone close to me, he still didn't know his birth mother's face, and he was raised as a biological child in a house where he was taken in shortly after birth. He learned that fact when he was 30 years old.

It seems that he was very surprised, but before he learned the truth, he became a monk and came across a poem.

“Everyone, do you know that the day I was born is Mother's Day of Suffering”

He said, “I have a mother who gave birth to me through hardships, and I have a mother who raised me lovingly. I'm so happy to have two mothers.” And every year I spend my birthday as a day to thank my biological mother.

He also doesn't know the circumstances of his birth mother at all, and it seems that he is at a loss as to whether it is better to search for one.
But if he were in the same situation as Ako, I would thank him for giving birth to him, and I don't think he would leave his bones alone.

I think Hiro and Ako are upset. Also, you may be thinking that making a memorial service for your birth mother is bad for your nurturing mother.

However, if you don't look at the bones now and pretend not to see them, they will probably be enshrined in a public joint burial tomb, and even if you regret it then, there's nothing you can do about it.
Enshrining it somewhere is something you can do even after you've taken it in. Please have a thorough discussion with Ako.

Dear Hiro.

First of all, please talk with your wife carefully.
What is the point of hastily enshrining bones in a joint burial tomb...

As stated by Tetsuya Urakami, “Once enshrined in a joint burial tomb, even if you regret not being able to enshrine it as a relative's bone, you won't be able to do it. Enshrining is something that can be done even after they have been taken in once.” from...

What do you think?

If I hold hands from now on, my husband and wife will be happy

The end of a person... Somehow, I'll get in touch with my relatives and search for the government office as well. Your wife, who is a child, has probably been contacted.

Even if you are told that your parents have passed away, you probably won't feel the relationship between parents and children due to poor communication, and to be honest, complicated things are probably natural from my wife's point of view.
But that person is there and I am! I understand that too, so it's natural to worry.

Do it this way! I don't think there's an answer.
However, what I was told must have made proper sense. Let's accept that through the death of a parent, we have an important opportunity to look at our own way of life and the future. I want the couple to have a leisurely discussion about bones without hurrying right away. If that's the answer, I think that's the best method.

clapping hands... Putting my hands together means that I have an encounter with the Buddha, and I look at myself and ask questions. No matter what shape your bones settle into, if I put my hands together from now on, my husband and wife will be happy (*^_^*)

It's better to be honest with your feelings

　They may now be blood relatives or strangers on the family register, but I think it's also good to take over the bone or place plate with the feeling of taking care of the Buddha. At my temple, there are graves of unrelated Buddhas and people who couldn't make graves as joint graves, but I want bereaved families to keep the bones and plates of those who died as monks. Now, urns and rank plates with the kaima (name, anniversary of death) clearly written on them peel off over time, and they become unreadable. It makes me sad, so I want the bereaved family to manage it.
I was contacted by the government office for some reason, and I think I should take care of it. Of course, caring for your wife's parents is important, but you should be honest with your own feelings.
In the end, it is better to discuss it with your wife's parents and make it clear in black and white. After that, no matter what the outcome is, it's about following what has been decided and making preparations for each other so that nothing will go bad later. “I should have done it this way after all.” Please discuss and hit it off so you don't think it through.
　

There were probably complicated reasons.

I was told of the death of my real mother after not being contacted in 48 years
Hiro's wife must have had very mixed feelings.
A wife cares about her real mother from a corner of her heart
They probably kicked them out.
The mother who passed away probably also had various circumstances.
I was worried about my child, but now that I have a new mother
I wonder if it's after deciding that it's not good for my kids to get in touch with them
I tried to get in touch, but my father refused to do it?
Or did they not contact the child because they didn't feel any love?
The wife probably thought about the latter and said it was bothersome because of her in-laws against her current mother.
However, the fact that the deceased mother kept her wife's photos in a safe place
I don't think I completely forgot about it.
If I didn't have love, I don't think I'd keep a picture like that for a long time.
Maybe they didn't contact them due to some circumstances?
You are free to pick up or not take the remains,
If I leave him unrelated to Buddha like this, my wife
Isn't it going to be a burden on your mind for the rest of your life?
People who know the circumstances of the past (relatives, acquaintances, biological father, current mother),
People who knew her mother before she died (hospital where she was hospitalized, neighbors, etc.)
How about asking them to talk to them?
You can also get to know the mother who died
Wouldn't it also be a memorial service for the mother?
If you do that, wouldn't the answer to what to do with the remains come out naturally?

By the way, when Muunbutsu appears, the government office does everything it can
We will use all means to search for relatives and relatives and contact them.
If you can't find it by any means, only if there is no taker
After 1 year of reprieve, they will be treated as unrelated Buddha.

Please check how you are feeling

To Hiro-sama

Please check your current feelings once again.
Please walk according to that feeling.

Just don't forget that you had some kind of relationship with your parents.
That relationship probably has meaning.
What was the point of teaching?
I'd like you to think about that too. Gassho

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