I don't understand the meaning of being born or being alive

I'm a man in his late 40's.
It's a really embarrassing story, but I don't understand the meaning of being born or being alive.

The other day, I lost my wife, whom I had been with for 25 years, due to an incurable illness.
I have an eldest son who is currently in his fourth year at university, and a second son from Ronin Seki.
My own sweet thoughts and actions only caused concern, patience, and trouble to my wife over and over
It was 25 years.

First of all, I don't like kids myself, but I have had two children.
I think it was thanks to their wife that they grew up straight forward without any so-called crooked legs.
After passing away, I heard from a colleague at my former workplace that they prioritized me and my children above anything else.

I didn't have any greed, so I was in trouble because I really didn't have anything to tell them apart.
I have lived my life in my own way without thinking about my wife. Also, it's still alive.
As a result of that, during the last 2 weeks of his death, I asked my doctor that I wanted to take care of him at home due to my selfishness.
Then, when she returned home, my wife took her last breath.
I had no idea they would pass away so soon.
Right now, it's all about regrets and remorse.

Right now, I have a woman who supports me.
I don't know what will happen in the future, but even in this situation, I myself think it's a cowardly act
It makes me think.

When I think about various things, I don't understand the meaning of being born or the meaning of being alive
Every day I think “if it's something that can die, I want to die quickly” and “I want to disappear and disappear.”
Am I, like this, unqualified to live?

3 Zen Responses

There is a crime of surviving

This world is called a “shaba (shaba) world,” meaning a world of patience. Endurance is the meaning of being born, and it is the purpose of life. If you're a man, please live your life by punishing your wife and getting angry, enduring suffering.

Don't cause trouble to children

Even though you're worried about causing trouble to your family, you'd better not do anything that bothers your family even more.
If there are dark people in the family who say “I'm not qualified to live,” the whole family feels disgusted.
If you want to get rid of your sins, make sure your children are cheerful every day and can focus on their daily lives without worrying about their parents.
The presence of a “supporting woman” may not be a good feeling for children either.
Act carefully.
Value reason, not emotion.

I offer my condolences.

There is no meaning of being born or living in any person. This is because there is no concept of meaning in nature. So if there's no point, should I just die? That's different. It is precisely because there is no meaning given from birth that people can be happy through their own efforts.
And Buddha left a message like this. Everything is impermanent. There is no entity in the world that doesn't change. There are no exceptions. The future of Kickle-sama will also change. It's okay to change.

Now, I would like to present one more quote from the Buddha.

What if
Do good things
This
I should do it again
To do something good
You should have fun
What is good root (good thing)
It would be nice if I were lucky
(“Dharma Sutra”, translated by Tomomatsu Enshu 118)

What are good (good) deeds? That's altruistic. Take care of your partner.

> I don't like kids myself, but I have two kids.
→I'm disrespecting the fact that I was able to meet my child

> Right now, all I have is regret and remorse.
→I despise the fact that my wife loved me

> I don't know what will happen in the future
→They disdain the future of women

Everyone is going in the opposite direction of altruism. Let's do our best to love our children until the wife does. Let's make a memorial service with gratitude and respect for your wife. Does continuing a shameful relationship really support Kickle-sama? And aren't they making women themselves feel ashamed or blamed? I think keeping a distance until at least mourning will help protect women.

And “you should have fun doing good things” doesn't mean having fun. It means it's easier to live altruistic than to live on your own. Kickle-sama is probably feeling that best now. I wrote earlier that all acts are impermanent, but no matter how much you feel ashamed, you can live altruely.

Actually, all relationships surrounding Kickle, both children and wife, are Kickle's own “life.” If you turn your eyes away from that life saying “I don't understand the meaning,” of course, the vitality to live will deflate. This is probably the time to think too much, especially strangely, but I want you not to be afraid to face others.

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