I don't think it's okay to be alive

There are no perfect people in this world. But the Buddha said it. “Use yourself as a light, use yourself as your source, don't care about others, use the law (truth) as a light, use the law (truth) as your source, and don't rely on anything else.” This is called “the light of self and the light of the law.” What does it mean to think of yourself as a light when you're not perfect? It means that even though I'm not a perfect person, “if I don't try to change myself, I won't change.” And in order to do that, they say, “Rely on the Buddha's teachings.” That is “using the law (truth) as a light...”

So what exactly are the Buddha's teachings? It means “take care of yourself.” That's it. “Taking care of yourself” does not mean that you are OK with being yourself. The desire to properly care for oneself leads to caring for others. That's not because I think I'm the only one who loves me; other people love me the most, just like me. Everyone loves themselves. Therefore, it is only when you value not only yourself, but also others that you can properly care for yourself.
In other words, Jitomyo and Hotomei mean, “If you don't try to change yourself, you won't change yourself. Also, where you want to change yourself, you must cherish your lovely self, and you must also be able to value others.” That's it.

Appo-san said, “No matter what I do, it's useless scum. It's social trash.” As I said, that's not true. Everyone has an adorable self. I think the reason I call myself scum or trash is because my lovely self is here, and even though I want to take care of myself, I can't do it the way I want.

Taking care of yourself means taking care of others as well. Then, as I try to change myself with that spirit, new light will shine into Appo-san's life. There's no denying yourself. If you're Appo-san from the drama club, I think he's someone who can think about his partner (society).

These are my answers. I hope you find it helpful even a little.

Let's say you're told, “That's an idiot, idiot, stupid, Mr. Tange.” Whoa (crying)
However, the truth of the matter is
It's just the first incident called “Tange's idiot, idiot, idiot, Mr. right?”
I'm not hurt by the words themselves.
Free voice. Just letters.
It starts there and ends there. There really isn't a second one.
My ears and eyes received it as information and ended there.
I'll finish it as first.
That alone won't hurt you.
This is because they value facts and don't place emphasis on information.
This is because it doesn't repeat itself in the head, so that's all.
Since it's a once-in-a-lifetime meeting, I'm already immersed in the next real-time thing now, so there's no need to rewind.
On the contrary,
There is a way to hurt yourself with those words.
That's the second damage.
Attract those words as your own and keep them with care.
It then iterates over and over again, ruminates, and loops infinitely.
Also, it causes further second damage. Dare to cause it.
It's an event that's already over, and I hurt myself over and over again.
Suffice it to say, this is “how to hurt yourself.” In other words, it seems that doing it without knowing it is a specific case of “getting hurt.”
① “Tange idiot idiot idiot” (fact)
② Use those words as your own (hikiyose/make me)
③ Underestimate yourself as a result (judgment/evaluation)
④ ('-ω-`) dent (mental self-harm)
Be aware of that, and since it's my life, it's a pity to torment myself, so let's make sure they don't suffer.
It's really me who says bad about myself.
I am always the one who hurts me.
That's right, that's why I'm no good... and please don't get hurt again, right? (. -`omega-)

Appo-san

What is the feeling of “I don't think it's okay to be alive”

My parents told me
“Damn woman who only complains, is selfish, so tyrannical and can't do anything”
There is a taunting remark called

to you
“I don't think it's okay to be alive
It's causing trouble
Aren't I the trash in this world?”

I think it makes me say the word.

What I think
Are humans born
Through being unconditionally accepted and loved by others (especially parents)
I think I can affirm myself and nod that I am a precious person.

Existence that was accepted unconditionally and was not loved
In order to establish one's existence
Trying to meet parents' expectations and become the image of a child imposed by parents
I will do my best.

If you can live up to expectations
Allow yourself to exist

If you don't live up to expectations
I don't allow myself to exist and fall into self-loathing.

“How can I be who I am?”
I mean

I think it's about stopping thinking about not being able to meet parents' expectations (myself).

“So I have to be firm. That's why I've decided that I'll never cry in front of those two people, and I won't throw up a weak voice.”

You don't have to be firm.
You can cry when you feel like crying.
You can make a weak voice when it's hard.

Patience is a betrayal of oneself.
Please listen to your inner voice.

It's hard trying to match expectations from my family, my role in the drama club, in other words, to someone else's yardstick.
People's minds and emotions change.
A change of mind is also a change in ability.
What you have today is nothing but what you are capable of today.
You can only do things commensurate with your abilities.
After all, you can only do what you can, so just do what you can.
If you do something commensurate with your abilities, your abilities will improve over time.
You should do today's homework rather than take the distant entrance exam.
There is no other you but you for one second.
If you can live this 1 second, you can try living the next 1 second again. When you really are in pain of not being able to live, you will quickly die of shock due to severe pain etc.