How to organize your mind for a family member who died due to a bad relationship

It's been about 3 months since the funeral was over, and I'm in trouble because I think about my father over and over again. That too is a bad memory.

I was sexually abused by my father when I was 7 to 15 years old. It's about touching or being touched, though. No one in the family knows. I had a tendency to be depressed since my father became ill, but when I thought that the situation would calm down and my symptoms would improve, on the contrary, it worsened.

I thought the haze of my heart would be buried with my father. That's why I don't feel like I'm crawling out of the grave like a zombie, and my back hair is being pulled.

What should I do to sort out these refracted thoughts towards the deceased?

As a matter of fact, I only thought of my father as a roadside stone. I recognize the good parts of my father's personality through filters such as “a good husband for my mother” and “a good father for my younger brother,” and it's just someone else's problem. It's not strong enough to hold grudges and hate on a daily basis, so I think it's because I've been trying to forget about its existence.

The last one was home nursing for half a year, but I went back home as much as possible from afar to help care for my father, who had become like an infant due to higher brain disorder. During that time, there was no sympathy, hatred, or affinity for my father, and it seemed like I was nursing a stranger in red. I think I did it as a filial act for my mother, who said, “I want to do the best I can at home.”

I was taken care of as the person himself wanted, the funeral was over, and I thought it would disappear into the sky as it is, but I began to remember it one by one when I was depressed, and I am tormented by flashbacks and negative emotions associated with those memories. When I was extremely depressed, I was even taken prisoner, and I went to a psychiatrist for the first time.

Nonetheless, maybe I'm just blaming my dad for things that aren't going well. There are other stressors, such as work or an unfamiliar environment. There is no denying the part where they are running away from their own weakness of will or efforts to improve the situation due to trauma by covering their sins on people underneath the ground who can't be blamed anymore.

I am also receiving psychiatric counseling on this matter, but I would appreciate it if you could tell me if there are any ways of thinking that can serve as a base for the mind in order to sort out complicated feelings for the deceased.

I'm sorry that the content hasn't been fully organized even by myself. Thank you for your support.

4 Zen Responses

It must have been really painful not being able to talk to anyone about the abuse.
I couldn't find an outlet for the stress that had accumulated in my heart
It's probably getting pus and bothering my heart.
It would have been nice if I could tell my father that thought while he was alive.

How to purify negative energy Kohei Oguri
Creation of a purpose of life Iida Fumihiko
I recommend 2 books.
Read this book and understand the meaning of what is happening in this life
I hope you understand.
I think there are some hints in this.

Understanding why the devil became a devil is mercy

Let's remove the idea of a “father” against “him” from within you.
First of all, even though “that man” was a father, he didn't have a proper form of love as a normal father.
In modern psychology, the cause is that he (father) “didn't feel loved” by his parents.
It was probably a tough time, and both my grandfather and grandmother had a very tough side.
Dad may have had such a difficult childhood that his heart had no escape.
There is a trend in the world where people who have not been blessed with the love they should be given will sadly try to lead others far from love.
As a child, absurdly enough, he was a sad person who was not blessed with love from his parents.
That's why I wasn't able to genuinely love your existence.
His dissatisfaction with the oppression in his own life has sadly been directed at you.
For you, you are a father even though he is the perpetrator of sexual abuse. Terrible contradictions will occur.
Therefore, in order to overcome that contradiction, it may be unforgivable, but it is necessary to calmly understand “why did that man end up abusing himself.”
If you do that, you can break this negative chain on your own.
It's a tragedy that was born because my father wasn't loved by his parents.
Breaking this negative chain is your mission.
In order for you to be saved from your father, you must have mercy on your father.
Your father probably also was betrayed by some kind of love.
I understand that people who have been betrayed by that love have driven you away from love, and I sincerely hope that you alone can recover from the deep darkness and do all your love and mercy to your partner and children so that such tragedies are not repeated in the future.
I pray that the suffering in your heart will be relieved.
P.S., your emotional suffering will save many people who are suffering in the same position and encourage them for a brighter life.
Thank you very much for sharing your heartfelt feelings.

A frog cub must not be a frog

　I would like to express my opinion to Mr. Kumojisanji, who had the courage to ask such a question by Hasunoha. I think there are probably half of the people in the world who have this kind of trouble. Broadly speaking, this is violence. Violence is DV when received from parents, couples, and children. School students bully each other. School violence or corporal punishment if you get it from a teacher. Sexual harassment between men and women in the company. Power harassment from my boss. It exists in a different shape.
There were times when I was plagued by bullying and power harassment, and even now, I always remember bullying and power harassment when I feel depressed, just like Kumoisanji.
What I really think lately is that I have no choice but to carry the past on my back. However, you must not do such a thing yourself. If other people are receiving it, I will help. I'm always thinking about what I can do. This is because Saito Hitoshi said, “You can change the past, but you can't change the future.” I was very moved by that word, and recently I finally gradually thought about what I should do and began to act. There are also my own misunderstandings, and conversely, I often reflect on whether I have become the perpetrator, but I think [indifference] is the number one thing you should do, so it's around this time today that I think it's better to take action and then reflect on it rather than doing nothing and then regret it. It doesn't apply to everything. Basically, I want to live a fun life, so...
I don't want to be a respected monk. I don't want to be a monk who is appreciated for doing good things. More than that, I want to become a familiar monk.
What kind of family would Yunjisanji want to build with her husband? What are your goals at work? How can I enjoy my life abroad? What's on the menu for tomorrow's meal? Do they make New Year's food there too?

Please let go of your pent-up emotions little by little.

Mr. Kumojisanji

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is my humble answer to the question.

Moral harassment... in particular, the deep wounds I had when I was young cannot be easily wiped away, and it can cast a big shadow on my life after that, like Mr. Yunosanji, and it is a very serious issue...

On a TV program, there was content that in England, where there is no statute of limitations for public prosecution, the person who continues to suffer from abuse from his father-in-law 20 years ago initiated a trial and won the lawsuit, and that father-in-law was imprisoned (14 years). The victims were able to make a distinction, and they also learned the law, and now they seem to be active in the job of supporting people suffering from child abuse using their own experiences as a basis.

Of course, in the case of Japan, there is a statute of limitations for public prosecution, so abuse at an early age cannot be judged in court, and even if the other party has already died, it is still difficult to ask for an apology from the person himself/herself or make them atone for the crime...

Anyway, I'm not trying to solve it by myself, and I'm already thankful, but I'm already thankful, but it doesn't matter if it's a counselor, doctor, or even this hasunoha, so I think it's important to be able to organize my mind one by one by one by exposing the feelings that have accumulated in my heart little by little to the outside.

Among them, the feelings of anger and hatred towards my late father were also acknowledged once again, and by all means, please sort them out by fully expressing the suffering and sorrow that underlies that anger and hate.

By keeping a close eye on how you spend your present and present in the past, little by little, it is necessary to remove that attachment to the past as a thing of the past. Also, I really want them to create a new self every day, away from being caught up in the past.

The Buddha is admonished to show mercy even if the metaphor is an angry and hateful person. Of course, it may be impossible and impossible right now, but I know that when you finally become the person who can forgive your late father, Unjusanji's heart will suit the Buddha's heart, and you will surely be able to get lost and move away from suffering.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

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