I want to die I want to change my feelings

I want to be normal. I don't like normal.
I want to die, I don't want to die.
I've experienced it a long time ago, but please think of this as seeking rules.
Thought stability has no effect.
The world of facts is impermanent, and therefore unstoppable.
I'm Chi-fat, but I'm settled in Chi-Deb.
My weight changes, and I feel comfortable with that changing self.
I used to think I shouldn't get fat.
When I was a student, I wanted to gain weight because I wouldn't gain weight no matter how much I ate. Now my dream has come true. (ToT)
Please try to settle for your current half-hearted self.
A bud is a bud, and now it's true.
Master Noda Daito of the former Daihonzan Sojiji Temple and the current Sennin-sama from Shikoku showed me that you don't have to force it to bloom
There is a term called “safe living.”
You're only looking far away. I'm just making comparisons.
Try settling in here and now.
You probably don't think about taking one breath or one breath faster or slower.
The future of Untarauntaka is not something to be delusional about now.
I have the utmost admiration for your current buds.
If you're being favored and recognized anyway, it's better to be recognized by real people who don't lie or have no sense of boastiness.
Take a look at you yourself.
Because “the result of your efforts to be recognized by Nisemon” is “you are suffering now.”
It's a kind of delusion that's not worth believing in.

There is an old story about rabbits and turtles racing.
If you were to apply it to you, you would be a turtle.
There are only rabbits around you.
You can't do normal things for rabbits.
It's natural. Because you're a turtle.
But the turtles won the race at the end.
Were they able to win because the rabbit took a nap?
Of course, there are those, but what is more important is that the turtles didn't give up.
That's because I moved forward step by step at my own pace.

In reality, there are rabbits that don't take naps, so there's no guarantee that turtles will win.
However, if you advance step by step at your own pace, you will definitely reach the goal.

In your case, moving forward step by step means working little by little.

You can go at your own pace.
Let's work as much as we can, whether it's non-regular, part-time, or volunteering.
When you work, you are working for someone else, which leads to contributing to society.
It leads to confidence that we are contributing to society.
Also, if you work, you can get money.
If you can live with that money, it will also lead to confidence that you can live on your own.
Then, if you gain confidence little by little, you won't worry about the rabbits around you anymore.
You'll be able to walk the way you are.

You don't have to beat rabbits.
We encourage you to move forward step by step.

Hara-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is my humble answer to the question.

It's really painful for you to have attempted suicide...

I would be grateful if you could ease that feeling even a little with Hasunoha's questions and answers.

When we start to compare things, it's like this; this is, to be honest, unreasonable.

Jealousy, envy, contempt, feelings of inferiority, complexes... these are negative feelings that are not positive at all, and are so-called types of afflictions.

Also, if you can make painful things feel painful, conversely, if you turn them upside down, happy things also mean that you can feel happy.

If you don't know what happiness is, you don't understand the feeling of gratitude or recompassion, and you don't know how grateful you are.

If you add something positive to something “spicy,” you can become “happy,” just like the characters.

There are many positive hints for that in Buddhism. I hope you will take this opportunity to learn about Buddhism with interest.

“It's easier to die...”... if you think so, I would like to make it clear that this is a mistake.

What affects our whereabouts after death is more than anything else our actions and “work.”

Depending on the causal relationship (cause/condition) of the business, I think it is also possible that it will be reincarnated into this world of confusion and suffering.

Of course, even for a better destination after death, such as a world of ease and serenity, the world of enlightenment and nirvana, the world of the Buddha, the world of pure land, etc., a cause and effect for that purpose is necessary, and for that cause and effect to a better destination, Buddhist study is necessary.

Please don't think “I want to die,” but “let's live as long as we can and work hard to do good causes and relationships.” I'm sure you'll get help from the Buddha's relationship, and your feelings will change.

I pray for good deeds.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

The true meaning of “I want to die” is the anguish of anger.
I want to die because I have anger that I feel “disgusting” about myself and the current state of society.
On the other hand, just because you're angry doesn't mean you've lost your desire to really live.
In other words, “I want to die” is an illusory thought, and I don't actually want to die; I just have feelings of being upset.
Sadness and jealousy are also anger. Anger is a dark, tense emotion.

There are also worries such as greed, laziness, and pride in the background of anger.
They may be living a better life and eating better food than the kings of the olden days, but it leads to anger because there is an affliction of pride that makes you want to compare yourself to people around you today rather than people in the old days.

First, it's important to be aware of your own worries.
For example, if you're someone who isn't angry, you'll be able to live peacefully even in the same situation as you.
If you change your mind, your worries will go away.
Let's scan the worries in your heart by chanting “well, good, good!”
Worrying should weaken your strength just by being aware of it.