hopelessness

Nice to meet you tonight.

My beloved wife was taken by an illness in my early thirties, and my eldest son found a severe disability and became a father-son family, and they were desperately enduring various events that would come... but one day, let's live, the thread of my heart that had been shaking until death broke down and carried out.

As a result, I was unable to die. I realized the seriousness of the matter when I saw the children held by their father, who was suffering even more and had bright red eyes, in a daze at the hospital bed.

Life is filled with the feelings and wishes of our ancestors and parents that have continued for hundreds of years in our bodies. Being born in a relatively blessed country, I can eat a house, clean clothes, and warm meals. I wonder if there was such a arrangement right in front of me... Yes, it gave me an awareness.

It was also the moment I realized that nothing is taken for granted in the world...

When you're alive, there are many things that are painful and painful, and good events happen once in a while. If that's not the case, I'll forget to thank you.

Life was an adventure trip... it was also the moment I thought so. You can't change your destiny, but you can change your fate and your life any way you want. It's not up to anyone to decide the arrangement; it's up to you. I draw and perform myself. And there's no one to replace me... I thought.

It is also said that “as much as” that applies to everything without trying too hard is just right. It made me notice a lot. I am who I am now because of the events of that time. I never thought at the time that I would go from being an office worker to becoming a monk. Painful experiences transcend time and space, and now we are saving those who desperately live in the same suffering by making use of their experiences.

You won't run away from your dreams unless you give up on them. Don't get caught up in the box, you have your own merits. I sincerely pray that you will be able to arrange an adventure trip called life in your own way.

Gassho

Past answers
“Who I was back then”
Continuation of “Who I Was At That Time”
I wrote it on.

I've been thinking about dying since I was 20 years old when I was attending Dōmon University. It was during that period that I began to become mentally ill, and although it wasn't an age where I could easily go to psychosomatic medicine like now, I knocked on the psychiatric gate of a university hospital myself. After that, psychosomatic medicine began to be established in Tokyo, and while attending there, he graduated from college, fell asleep for 3 days during his 3rd year of college, but he was specially taken by a doctor (if you take 3 days off, you have to go down the mountain) and finished it somehow (according to the chief priest of a friend of the same time, he is a legendary ascetic monk that is still handed down.) I was bedridden and withdrawn when I was in my fourth year at university, but I wrote and submitted my graduation thesis without receiving any graduation thesis guidance, became an official monk, and even began a year of training at Daihonzan in Kyoto, but I managed to finish it while going to the doctor. I went back to my parents' temple and worked for about 10 years, and managed while attending psychosomatic medicine and internal medicine. After that, the temple took a leave of absence for 17 years. During that time, I was repeatedly hospitalized and discharged, and now I am still in the hospital. What makes me want to die hasn't changed since ancient times, and anxiety about the future is probably thanks to my doctor and faith that I was able to overcome that and live for 27 years. Psychiatry alone is not curable, and faith alone is not curable. What led me to deepen my faith was teaching missionaries during the ascetic period at Daihonzan and taking intermediate to advanced missionary training courses. I've already gone to the Pure Land, but receiving guidance from Professor Sadanobu Matsushima in my later years deepened my faith. Matsushima sensei was a person who had been recuperating for a long time due to tuberculosis, became a missionary at the Daimonzan Temple, and gave many students in missionary training courses, so he was a good understanding person. The former attending physician at the hospital where I am currently hospitalized is also a famous teacher, and Dr. Takuya Eguchi has been in charge for about 15 years, thanks to those two people. I was taken aback by psychiatry and religion.

　Thank you for your question. Monks are humans too, so I think they exist. However, it is easy to take a life, but the reality is that it doesn't make it easier and causes trouble to those left behind is that trouble often happens even after they have passed away. I don't think we should forget that we owe this to one person and tens of thousands of people. I think it's important to be alive. Gassho

Thanks to my encounter with Buddhism, I have never fallen into such despair that I wanted to die, and I feel like I won't fall from now on.
Please come and learn Buddhism.

However, I have almost killed others in the past.

When I was an office worker
Struggling with quotas
“I wonder if I'll get hit by a car”
“I wonder if it will become an incurable disease”
I was just thinking about that.

But as I talked to the customer's monks
My feelings gradually became easier.

If you are tormented by a sense of hopelessness
If you think I'm going to die
Please talk to the monk.