My friends since I was young have changed.

　Aya. I'm envious that I've been friends with that friend since I was a kid until now. Before I knew it, I was estranged from my friends when I was a student, and I only invited my friend who was a monk to my wedding. Even though my other monk friends and friends from when I was a student invited to the wedding... Recently, I've started to wonder if it's okay because I act freely. Let's stop talking about eagles here.
That friend isn't going to be like when he was a student. Working means more and more complaints. Maybe Aya is also unknowingly saying it to someone. Think about what kind of person you're saying that to. It's probably someone you can trust, someone you can forgive, or someone you can't care about. No, he's a convenient person. Isn't that fine? When we worship a god or Buddha, we often go when we're in trouble or when we're sick. By all means, isn't Aya like a god or Buddha for that friend? What do you think, no, it's different.

I think it's a kind of defensive instinct.

People have a hard time where they are now, and when it's not a comfortable place to be, they look for the cause somewhere. There are cases where it goes inward (self) and there are cases where it faces outside (others), and I think this friend is the latter.

By attacking outside (others), you're strengthening your defense if you're not bad, you're right, he's bad, and her fault. Desperation is a typical sign of this.

Well, as for how to deal with such a friend, the person who just keeps saying, “Yeah yeah, I know, that person is bad,” has become a “good person” for her now. Can you continue to be that “good person”?

It's going to be tough for you this time, right? However, they are childhood friends, and if possible, I would like them to continue to be good friends, so let's think about it together. In a case like this, you look at it from above and ask, “Isn't it your fault too?” If you show that attitude, she'll probably pull away.

But that won't solve it, and I think you'll be stuck until later. If that's the case, it's fine if you're just like her, so let's join her and take the plunge and speak ill of the people around you to her. However, I always say at the end, “But that's because it's my fault, too. Let's close it with words such as “saying bad things about others won't solve anything,” isn't just about the surroundings that are bad. If she continues to do that, she will develop a common sense that “this person is the same,” and if the last words make people think, “Well, that's my fault, too,” I think she will change too.

Just be prepared for a long time.

Gassho

There is also a type that hits and scatters others when the human heart is thirsty.
By belittling, denying, and criticizing others, I think they are raising their own status and maintaining mental balance (-” -).
In short, I want to say to you, “That's right!” “That's terrible,” “I feel sorry for you,” “Is there anything I can do to help?” I'm looking for compatibility.
With motherhood as a friend.
With a look of mercy.
What do you think is mine? ♡ Helping each other in times of trouble is also a form of friendship.
But to be honest, I understand very well that it also makes me feel like someone who makes me listen to complaints every time. So don't play too many good people either.
The first thing to do is raise the level of what you also listen to.
Listening does not mean catching the other person's voice with your ears, but rather catching the other person's heart's true meaning.
Accept, show understanding, and capture the other person's true intentions.
We have also taken your concerns seriously.
Can't this credit be given to her once again?
She also has a strong sense of pride, and can't she protect her weak heart only by criticizing people? Even if you don't give any advice, all you have to do is just listen to it in silence and let them get rid of the gas. Please listen with the intention that you will stay with them as friends until the end.
If you do that, I think she too will be able to return to her true self.

Aya

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is my humble answer to the question.

In particular, speaking ill of words is listed as one of the ten evils (murder, theft, obscenity, delusional language, bad talk, double language, greed, insult, evil opinion) in Buddhism. This has been addressed in the question below, so please refer to it.

Question “Who is someone who doesn't speak ill or complain”
http://hasunoha.jp/questions/113

Anyway, speaking ill of things is bad behavior, and it can eventually lead to bad results, so it's something you should refrain from. Therefore, you should be careful not to say it as much as possible, and if possible, I would like that friend to be careful.

However, even if you speak ill of others, the side being listened to doesn't really accumulate... Also, it's quite conceivable that it will accumulate as stress for Aya, so it's really inappropriate to keep listening for mental health reasons.

I wonder what is the cause of that friend's bad talk and despondency... I also think it can be thought of in various ways, such as dissatisfaction, stress, feelings of inferiority, trouble in relationships, etc. If you do something about the cause, I think bad talk and insanity will decrease... if you have an original personality problem, it may be quite difficult...

Anyway, when it comes to bad talk, it's a good idea not to talk to the other person, throw it away, or not accept it if possible. I have listed the story “The Buddha and the Bad Talking Man” in the question below, so I hope you can also refer to the fact that the Buddha dealt with bad talk.

Question “I can't believe people. I push myself in.”
http://hasunoha.jp/questions/369

Also, I think everyone's answers to the following questions with almost similar content (I haven't answered them...) will also be helpful.

Question “Tired of speaking ill of others”
http://hasunoha.jp/questions/74

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho