The Wife Who Depends on Her Family

I recently learned about the term family addiction.

I would like to discuss my life with my wife, who has this tendency. My wife is an only child, and she seems to have been raised with great care. I got married 7 years ago and lived in my house with my real mom. We also had children, and we lived a normal life for a while, but while my real mother and I went to work, we brought our children back to our parents' house and came back in the evening. After my biological mother retired, I put my kids in kindergarten near my parents' house (I also forgave them that was fine), and I began going to my parents' house more and more.

There is also the so-called daughter-in-law problem, and my wife has blamed all of my mother's words and actions one by one (although my real mother certainly has a tough side...), so she probably didn't want to stay with me. I was made to hear complaints against my real mother so much that I didn't like it, and the couple had fights over and over again. I left with my kids, probably because I thought my husband wouldn't listen to me either.

After that, thinking about my kids, I also left home. The life of a married couple and three children has begun, but after all, what my wife relies on is my parents' house and my own relatives. I went to work from my place of separation to work, and sometimes I go to my parents' house, but even after my separation, my wife left her children only to her own relatives to make ends meet. I feel extremely disgusted by my wife's lifestyle where she only gets along well with her own relatives and doesn't mind being isolated from my relatives.

My parents' house is a temple, so I'm in trouble if I'm not there, so I hope I can live in a temple someday, but my wife also said, “I'm also an only child, so I have no one to rely on at my parents' house,” and when I go to my parents' house, she seems to be having a great time, and my wife is really lively when she's working at her parents' house. They don't seem to be thinking about my work or protecting the temple.

I chose this life by putting my children first, but at this rate, my feelings will wilt, and I'm worried that it will eventually become the worst and make my child feel sorry.

3 Zen Responses

My wife's feelings, my mother's feelings, my feelings, my child's feelings

40udomateshini-sama

Nice to meet you, my name is Shakuri Kaoru, a Shinshu monk.

I've been worried about the same thing.

I got married and had my wife join this family, and I thought things were going well even though there were various issues.
However, it seemed like I was the only one who thought so.
My wife complained about the limitations of this condition one day, so I left the temple with my wife and 2 children.
I rented an apartment near the temple, and I went to the temple from there.

What I cherished at that time was that I continued to convey that “a family with my wife and children is the best,” and on top of that, I also conveyed my feeling that I want to cherish the role of a monk raised not only by my parents but also by my followers and followers as much as possible.
My wife seemed to understand that too.

Of course, my wife relies on her parents' house when it comes to her children.

One day, after a few years of living like that, when various conditions and environments around me changed, my wife told me that she would go back to the temple and support me.
Even after I came back to the temple, my wife worked outside while taking care of raising children.
However, after the surrounding conditions and environment finally became severe, they gradually began to help with the temple.

My parents are parents, and they probably have things to think about, but they understood our feelings, and I think we're doing our best now.

I think the Buddha also said that we must not be obsessed with shapes and positions. (no attachment)
As an ordinary man even though he is a monk, I have always cherished my family the most.
But I also wanted to tell them that I want to cherish the Buddha who raised me.

There are a lot of differences between married couples, and I think they come in many forms.
Even if we don't stick to the existing form, I think there is also a path where we can walk while taking care of each other.
Also, I think children want their parents to be on good terms even though they bump into each other from time to time.

I don't know if it was a reply, but I talked about it as an experience story from a similar position.

Marriage may be about wandering into a forest of worries that are everywhere.
While relying on Buddhism, which works unhindered in the midst of it, it is still going seven turns eight times over.

Listening to a story is different from listening

http://hasunoha.jp/questions/417
One of our boys' occupational diseases is that they seem to listen to the other person and don't listen to them.
The problem is that they preach and give advice.
Women don't want that.
All you have to do is listen to it.
I have a misunderstanding that men in the world listen to stories, even if they're not boys.
Listen, accept, understand, don't give advice to the other person, and give full affirmation.
If we can do that, I think the couple's relationship will improve.
huh? me? There's still more to come.

Let's think about it together...

40udomateshini

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is a humble answer to the question.

The roles of bosses, maids, and Teraniwa... I touched on this a bit in my recent humble answers to the following questions.

Question “Can a returnee become a monk's wife?”
http://hasunoha.jp/questions/488

Certainly, I know that 40udomateshini is also aware of the temple at her parents' house in the future, relationships with the temple family, relatives, and followers, and various things that are expected of her wife. In effect, the management of a temple will also be greatly influenced by the abilities of the bosses, the back, and the Teraniwa ladies, so I think it is reasonable to worry.

However, since it also depends on the season and situation, patience may still be absolutely necessary for 40udomateshini-sama at this stage...

In particular, when you are busy with housework and childcare and have no time to spare, your wife may have gone back to the temple and still be in a state where it is still unthinkable. However, if there is room for the situation from now on, I think there will be room for improvement little by little.

I've answered the following questions before, but even if it's not right now, I know that it would be good to be careful not to miss the timing when you can return to the temple.

Question “What is a good husband”
http://hasunoha.jp/questions/417

Also, there is a possibility that stress or mental problems are being avoided as one of the causes of various dependencies. You may be trying to make up for your mental stability and mental fulfillment by depending on something. As for the content this time around, there is a high possibility that the daughter-in-law problem is the cause... if it works well, there's nothing better than that, but if it doesn't go well, then it's unavoidable so far... if it doesn't work, let's think about some good downfall together while responding in line with reality when things don't go well...

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

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