About committing suicide leaving a child

I'm living with 3 people: a boy who will soon be 2 years old and his husband. My husband and wife are on good terms, and I love my children more than anyone else. There is no cause for particular worry, such as financial anxiety. Just a normal happy family.

While my desire to die becomes stronger in that situation, I would like you to tell me if there is a possibility that this will erase my desire to die regardless of whether this is depression or temperament. I want to get rid of that feeling.

The desire to die and disappear has always stuck to one corner of my head since I was able to remember. It doesn't come out according to the situation or emotion at that time, such as when it's fun or when it's sad; it's always. Rather than wanting to die, I want to make it something I didn't exist from the beginning. At the same time, I think everything in this world is in my dreams.

I wasn't in a normal home environment where I could tell everyone everything. Still, it's definitely not more painful, and miserable than anyone else. However, I think I've had a lot of good experiences without having children.
I feel that is probably one of the factors that changed my senses from normal. They are probably always more sad than normal people, have no meaning to exist, and their sense of being alive is dull. It's not about the kind of worries that everyone has, and it's just dark even without worries.

I wasn't blessed with a family environment, so I have a strong longing for a happy family like Sazae-san's, and I can get it now. Even so, my feelings aren't bright, and while it's painful and heavy, I think it's already the limit.
I think I've been working hard until now to be desperately positive and to get rid of this dark feeling, but when I saw it from the outside, I had a really happy family, but even so, my feelings haven't changed. I can't find the goal or energy to work hard anymore.

Right now, I'm at a loss as to whether to die leaving my children behind or with my children.
I painfully understand the feelings of a child losing a parent. That's why I want to take them with me. But there's no way I can take this kid's life. But I still want to die. I'm in a situation where I have no choice but to make decisions based on momentum due to repetition.

I know we shouldn't die. I know for myself that if I'm worried about how to die, I'm worried about how to live. That's why I want to get rid of this feeling of wanting to die in the first place.
please help me. please.

5 Zen Responses

Can you send me an email?

gensyudo@gmail.com

Because people are formed in childhood
I think there's a big part that can't be helped.

Please email me if you like.

I want to talk to you.

Shamon together

“Enjoy the present”

Lyla-sama

I think you may continue to be in a state where you cannot have a sense of affirmation of your own life or existence due to trauma.

Specialized counseling may be necessary.

There's no need to force yourself to have a sense of affirmation, but it's not good to fall into so much emptiness and despair.

Buddhism is also called the middle path, and it is recommended to maintain balance so as not to fall into extremes on both sides.

The essence of the middle path is the idea of “good fortune,” but I hope they are also interested, and anyway, I hope you can be aware that it's not very good because it's a little too biased towards emptiness and hopelessness right now.

As is the case for me and everyone, there may be times when large and small emptiness, anxiety, and hopelessness come and go, but there is no substance to these, and they simply appear due to a momentary causal relationship.

Therefore, it is something that changes or can be changed depending on cause and effect. It's something that changes just by changing one cause and effect.

So is the feeling of “I want to die.” It's something that changes, something that can be changed.

If I were to give you one piece of advice, why don't you try to capture things from the perspective of “enjoying the present.” No one knows what's ahead or what's going to happen. I want to heal from getting tired from remembering, thinking, and worrying too much about this and the past and the future.

Let's enjoy the normal happiness we have now.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

You don't have to do that

“It wasn't a normal home environment where I could talk about everything to people”
“I had a lot of good experiences without having to be a kid.”
There are no words. That was really hard.

“We had a happy family, but still”
Ironically, this may be bothering you.

Currently, you are happily enjoying a family like Sazae-san, which you wanted so much that you could get your hands out of your throat. However, if you think that if you are betrayed again next time... if you lose this... you will probably never be able to recover again, or that you will collapse... you will end up in an indescribable perverted state of mind where you can't stay or stand?

If that seems like it's going to happen, I want to say, “Please don't worry.”
If you love your child so much that you want to take them to the other world, you will surely be able to eliminate all difficulties and truly embody a family like Sazae-san.

hasunoha.tenrakuin@gmail.com

Anytime here

I read your consultation. Thank you for telling me something that no one else can talk about. You spoke very well. It must have been hard... and now too.

Even if people say that, “What do you understand?” It may make you feel like that, and you may want to die more and more.

Yes, no one understands feelings other than their own. I don't even understand myself. In that sense, everyone is lonely. But that's why there are things we can share even when we don't understand each other.

Have you ever hit your husband directly with the darkness you have in your heart? It is said that the marital relationship is “good,” but since it is a “happy family like Sazae-san,” I think that is different if it means “good.” Even if they bump into each other or pass by each other, I think being able to share what they have with each other is a good couple.

You don't have to fix yourself. It's okay to destroy the way families are today. True happiness is not about what you want it to be; it is something that opens up beyond your own thoughts.

Of course, you might not get the reaction you want. You may not be able to speak or express yourself well either.

Still, I think the actions you want to do will lead you in the direction of liberation.

You don't have to work hard. You can leave feeling like you want to die. You have a huge meaning for both your child and your husband, but to put it to the extreme, children can be raised without you. So you don't have to worry about whether or not to involve your child.

Now you need to focus on yourself and start by breaking your mind to protect you.

Let go of the ideals and thoughts that “must be this way” for both feelings and family images.
And instead of erasing the dark feeling of “I want to die,” isn't it possible to hug you as something that has actually supported you even though it has tormented you until now? If you try to turn it off, it will attack you. That feeling you've been together for almost 30 years is a great part of who you are, isn't it? You don't have to deny you.

We are always waiting for you here at hasunoha. You don't have to agree with the monk's opinion. Please hit it as you are here.

You've worked really hard until now.

Until now
The pain of past experiences
It was probably rushing to the present.
Right now
Future anxiety (loss of current happiness)
They're probably rushing in.

though
That kind of feeling
You don't have to force yourself to turn it off.
The fact that I haven't died until now
That kind of feeling until now
We had a good relationship, didn't we?

Suicide is death from illness
I think
My heart is “suicide + murder.”

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