I can't be sad at the funeral

Up until now, I have lost 4 of my grandparents, 3 grandparents on my husband's side, and my own father, and I have gone to the funeral.

However, at any funeral, there was no sadness at all, and I only felt “tired, I want to go home soon” the whole time during the funeral.

No matter how many years have passed since death, grief does not come.

My cousins are crying, but I don't know what's sad about the death of someone I have no memories of.
They didn't live with their grandparents (cousins either), and they often met once a year.
As a matter of fact, I lived with my father, but for my father who left home at 6:00 a.m. and didn't come back until 12:00 p.m., I had nothing but the feeling that he was a “person who brings money.”
Of course, I understand that they worked for me, but that doesn't mean I don't have any memories.

Do people feel sad if their blood relatives don't do it, even if they don't have memories of someone they don't have memories of?
I don't think I'm doing something wrong.
Please refrain from answering that having children will change your mind.
(I've never wanted children since I was born. I've been taking pills for over 10 years, so I won't be able to have children for the rest of my life. (It's better to die than give birth.)

3 Zen Responses

Everyone has different emotions, so I think that's fine

It's my personal opinion, but if you're not sad, I think you shouldn't be sad.
However, it is also true that the reason you exist now is because your father and grandparents were there, so I think it's better to be grateful.

I have no memories

Maybe it's natural that emotions don't come out even though you don't have any memories.
From the content of your question, and from saying that I don't want children,
The family environment I grew up in was probably difficult.
I don't think it can be helped in such a situation.
A complicated feeling like yours wouldn't be understood by normal people.
But that's your life. Please live a strong life.

Postscript because I have no memories

You don't have to force yourself to be sad when you're not sad.
If you don't have any memories, it's natural that you're not sad.

However, it may be normal to be sad because you have memories, but I think there are times when you are sad because you don't have memories.

I really wanted to talk more.
I wanted to hear more stories about hardships, failure stories, romance, the couple's beginning to get used to each other, fun stories, childbirth and childcare.
I wanted them to play together more.
I wanted to go to more places together.
I wish they had more consultations.
I wanted them to support you even more.
But it doesn't come true anymore.
That's sad.
I think that's also the case.

Or maybe it's a subconscious sense of rebellion against the fact that the person who died didn't make memories with you.

But thanks to your grandparents and parents, you're there now.
Please say thank you for that.

Someday, you too will go to the Pure Land of Paradise.
I will meet you all again in the Pure Land of Paradise.
At that time, please make lots of memories that you couldn't make in this world.
Gassho Nanmu Amida Buddha

appending
Was it good luck to hit decent parents in their own way?
That's different.
I owe it to my parents.
The egg that became the source of your life comes from your mother, and your sperm comes from your father, which means you are part of your parents.
And I grew up because of my parents' love for you and your daily hard work.
It's definitely not something you can clean up with luck.

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