I can't find the value of being alive

　There was a similar period for me.
“Typing this sentence makes me want to die, but I'm scared to die in one step from the veranda.”
I understand this feeling.
In my case, if I jump into the tracks at the station, I'll die! While thinking about it, I was afraid of it, and I always stood at the back of the platform.
If I think about it now, I have the power to try to live deep within me, and I feel that my superficial mind protected me with much greater power than what I wanted to die for.
Jun also has the power to try to live. That's because they acted to talk to Hasunoha.
Jun is a very smart person. It is said that they can't find the value of living, and that is correct. The meaning of life is not inherent in humans.
So why live? Just as Jun thinks that while her mother is alive, humans are kept alive by human relationships. Just as Jun cares about her mother, her mother probably cares about Jun too. In the same way, Jun-san is an important life for our ancestors. Humans tend to search for the meaning of living within themselves, but in fact, the joy of others is the meaning of living for oneself.
We say “good morning” to each other in the morning. Why are we calling out to each other? Conversely, what happens if you don't call out?
Also, it's good if you consciously increase the number of “thank you.” The feeling of appreciating each other is getting richer. “Thank you” means “you are important to me.” That's the message.
Humans acknowledge each other through words, and live by feeling the meaning of their own lives.

More than people live in this world
Even if you're rich
Even if you're beautiful
Everyone has worries and suffering until they die.
What kind of life do you want to live
Keep asking yourself questions all the time.
Nobody knows how you want to live.
“The quality of life is determined by the quality of questions you ask yourself”
Please keep asking questions.
it's fine!!
I'm sure you'll find it.
It took me a while to find it too.

You've been doing your best in the midst of the pressure of having to take care of your mother in the future in a mother and child family. Plastic surgery and manners are written without hesitation, but there must have been a major conflict within yourself. I think it must have been difficult.

> The ideal now is to live and work while parents are alive, pay off debts, take care of their old age, and die when they finish their parents' funeral.

It has been conveyed in the sentence that you really take care of your mother.
Right now, Jun is facing humanity's major issues of what life is and what is the value of living. This is a problem that once upon a time troubled Greek and Roman philosophers, and of course Buddha and Jesus Christ. On the other hand, Jun is alone in thinking about it, which is amazing in a sense. It's amazing, but it's too heavy. I don't want them to hold it alone.

The words I want to be kind to my parents make my heart warm. It would be nice if I could directly say “I want to be kind” to my mother. it's a bit embarrassing, but...
Not every parent wants their child to become a doctor or lawyer, and it seems that they think “if they're alive, that's fine.” I think so too. If I'm alive, I can talk a lot. Now that you can't work, why don't you spend a lot of time talking with your mom at home? In the public world, they call it filial piety.

You know for yourself that you're lying to yourself, which is so bad.
The analysis is also admirable. The extent to which humans are bad has also been affirmed.
Don't worry about small evaluations from small people.
If you're going to be evaluated anyway, you should be evaluated by someone you really love.
There are two ways you can be saved.
First, think about yourself and your life separately.
It hurt your mind and body enough = so many lives were sending SOS signals, but what you're not trying to face is that you're assuming somewhere that your past self, which you've continued to deny, is the real protagonist, isn't it?
Don't worry. The current heartbeat of life is not a thing of the past; it is only for the present.
The sound of your heart right now is the sound played by your best friend you should love, and it's your true self that won't abandon you forever.
Your true protagonist is your “life,” and there is no need for plastic surgery or makeup. I can't even do it. It's good when you love your own life. You don't have to fall in love with your own face or anything.
The fact that I've lived to this day is amazing in itself. What supported it was the life of your real protagonist.
Your mother also raised you by herself, and she probably hit you with what you should have hit your father, and if you had a dad, your father would have accepted it, and you probably hit your mother for what you wanted to hit on you.
It must have hurt enough, so let's stop it around here. You should return the favor. If I die, mom, who should I rely on.
Your mother also tolerates lying and self-harm because she wanted to be stronger.
My mother is also a victim. That's a pity. Please support them.
But one day, you'll have to let go of being victims.
What makes you an eternal victim is your sense of being a victim.
Let's free yourself and your mom from being victims.
One last time
“Your sense of being a victim is deceiving you”

Jun-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is my humble answer to the question.

First, with regard to “living value,” it is established based on relative value judgments and standards, and it cannot be absolute or definitive. It's just something that can happen due to various “relationships,” and of course it changes in various ways depending on the “relationship.” Whether it's good or bad, it depends on the “relationship,” and if you want good value judgments/standards, it means a better relationship.

Now that I've read your question, I'm guessing that there are places where you feel a little bit self-loathing or desperate. Also, it looks like you're a little worried about vanity... in fact, there was a time when my humble life fell into that kind of thing for a while.

Looking back on that period, I think my future anxiety and pessimism had a big impact, and I couldn't look at myself calmly, and I probably lost sight of myself. In other words, it's an escape from reality that Jun-sama also mentioned...

To be honest, I think my humble life back then was really unable to accept the reality and position I was in.

However, when you are unavoidably forced to accept reality, somewhere along with giving up, the time will come for you to look back at yourself. Maybe that's the case with Jun-sama now.

The problem is from there, and then it becomes what to do.

First, by looking at your own reality, you must be able to understand your own situation in various ways and calmly analyze what the problem is. This is because if you don't understand what the problem is, of course, there's nothing you can do to solve it.

Actually, Jun already fully understands the problem, and has presented a path to a solution for it himself.

“... My ideal now is to at least live and work while my parents are alive, pay off my debts, take care of my old age, and die when I finish my parents' funeral. ・・”

However, if it were made there, I would be grateful if you could add “I want to have a good relationship, marry a good partner, be blessed with children, and let my mother hold my grandchildren” as a humble hope. It's just, it's just a humble hope. I'm sorry to say it's impossible, so please don't hesitate to forgive me.

I pray for good deeds.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho