I can't find my own value.

It is said that he experienced bipolar disorder.
I think you've experienced twice as much suffering in this world as anyone else.
I have also suffered from depression in the past, and have experienced indescribable suffering, so I understand your pain very well.
On top of that, I dare say it.
In today's peaceful Japan, there are fewer opportunities to experience suffering like yours.
That's why you had such a valuable experience.
Someday the day will surely come when I can be thankful for that!
The probability of being born as a human is the same miracle as winning the 100 million yen lottery 1 million times in a row. (Murakami Kazuo, Professor Emeritus, University of Tsukuba)
You are the only one in this world.
I would like you to read the manga “Kobo Daishi Kukai” (George Akiyama) in order to realize that.
By the time you finish reading it, I think you'll be able to feel what I'm saying.

Hello, Anepan-san!

“It's around this time today that I think it would be much better to donate organs and deliver my own organs to patients waiting for transplants.”
I thought that way too.
Nothing is useful, so at least I think it's just organs.
Actually, I also have a habit of saying “I want to die.”
There were times when I really wanted to die,
Right now, when I think living is troublesome, the phrase “I want to die” comes up.
So, let's just say, it's not like I want to die. What do you think.
Also, “getting better,” “getting better,” and “getting better,” I try to make it plus, minus, and positive.

Actually, humans don't have to be of any use.
A husband who has lost his will to stop the habit of saying “I want to die” is still my husband, isn't he?
I'm getting some kind of happiness from Anepan-san, so I'm my husband.
That was great, wasn't it?

Do you know Kazushige Nagashima, a former professional baseball player?
Actually, I had panic disorder from the time I quit playing.
While having an illness, I was a baseball commentator
I was on TV in the midst of anxiety, “Am I useful?”
However, at one point, he said, “If you invite me, you can stay here.” It seems that they thought so.
After that, he said that it suddenly became easier.

I don't know if I'm being useful or not.
However, the fact that there is someone to be with is because we allow each other to exist.
Then, to someone who forgives and acknowledges my existence
Isn't it possible to say “good morning”?
If I could say “thank you,” that would be great.

For me, even if I get old or become ill and my body doesn't move,
If possible, I would like to be able to say “thank you” and smile.
This is because that alone makes me think that the person I'm with was “useful.”
Even if you can't say “thank you” and can't smile,
We can be together.
If someone says, “I want to be with someone.” Even if I hope,
If you don't have someone to be with, your wishes won't come true.
You can be that opponent.

To do good things, you need a partner.
People who do good things and people who do good things are two “good things.”

First, I think like this.
“My parents were special (laughing+giving up+forgiveness).”
Damn it, there are special parents in this world who seriously think they shouldn't praise their children.
It seems that they think “children will become proboscis, stop progressing, and become selfish.”
It's a complete Showa thought 🙍. Children also instinctively love their parents, so even though they are working hard for their parents, parents probably have no idea about their children's desire to be approved. It was possible to have a heart-to-heart conversation.
“Immature parents who treat their children as children forever control their children in order to take their own hands without giving them dignity. That's why no matter how old a child is, it's painful not being able to become mentally independent.” You are now an adult. Long live an independent, independent nation.
The person to be evaluated is no longer a parent.
You can limit it entirely to your husband and kids.
As long as you live your life thinking only about being loved by your husband, everything fits together.
I don't hate my parents, and I don't love them. There is only one path left for you.
It is total affirmation and acceptance (mercy+love) of the imperfection of special parents and immature parents.
That is independence, independence, and great relief from spiritual control from parents.
This is because if your parents' education was really correct and like a saint and gentleman, then at least you could have loved yourself. I didn't grow up like that.
What instilled in you the spell of self-denial and low self-evaluation is your parents you should love, hate, but can't hate. But I can't help hating my parents.
I think your parents were also rarely loved, affirmed, or praised when they were in the position of children. This is what is called a negative chain that continues from generation to generation.
“Has your mother always been treated coldly by her parents since she was little? It was very difficult for me. This negative chain will already be broken in my generation, right?”
It's about asking and guessing why it's been so hard for you.
It will probably break your spell.
“You don't have to be poisoned by your parents”
Your parent generation has lived through even tougher times, so please think of them as parents who can only express love with firm expressions.
You should be able to regain your true purity by forgiving your parents and getting them to decline cold comparison competition entries with others.

Anepan-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is my humble answer to the question.

The value of living, the meaning of living... I have dealt with this until now and in each of the following questions.

http://blog.livedoor.jp/hasunoha_kawaguchi/tag/生きる意味

“... meaning, meaning, and purpose are not “there” or “none” at all as an entity; they are made up of various “relationships.” ・・”

“... Living value” is established based on relative value judgments and standards, and cannot be absolute or definitive. It's just something that can happen due to various “relationships,” and of course it changes in various ways depending on the “relationship.” Whether it's good or bad, it depends on the “relationship,” and if you want good value judgments/standards, it means a better relationship. ・・”

Question “I was born into this world.”
http://blog.livedoor.jp/hasunoha_kawaguchi/archives/1003004081.html

“... For example, if you make an effort to gather good relationships (good relationships), you will be able to find good meanings, but if you end up gathering bad relationships (reverse relationships), you will still not be able to find very good meanings. ・・”

In order to find good value, it is important to get good matches, so I think it will also be necessary to better adjust the state of mind and motivation for action. If you only think about things that are too backwards (“I want to die,” etc.), I can't hope for a very good relationship... I think it will change slightly, even if it's just a little bit, just being positive, cheerful, and energetic.

I pray for good deeds.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho