My own helplessness is painful

Everyone is different.
Not everyone is the same.
It's important that they all stay together.
Therefore, being you now is also a time to gain something important.
There's no way to be impatient; it starts moving when the season comes.
As you yourself say, “After 10 years, I was finally able to do things around me to a certain extent.” Here it is.
Don't be in a hurry.
It's about starting from the bottom of what you can...

“They don't lament the past, they don't hope for the future
However, I am living in the present, so my skin shines.
By lamenting the past by hoping for the future
Foolish people are like dried green reeds.” (Corresponding part sutras)

Yoshiko-sama. When do you feel a strong sense of suffering?
Is it a time to regret the past 10 years, saying, “If I had been healthy, I could have done this”? Is it a time when you feel uneasy about the future, “How should I live?” Or is it time to imagine someone else and compare it to “I don't have that or this”?

The woman you used to be is no longer there. Your future isn't there yet either. The other person is not you. The only one who is certainly here is you, who is right now.

Don't belittle yourself too much when it comes to “a life of helplessness and nothing.”
We are blessed with the support of family and friends, and the current situation is getting better up to this point. That's great. My child had a brain disease. Think and act for yourself. Being able to chew and swallow what you want to eat. Communicating with others through words. I thought everything I had taken for granted was just how difficult and miraculous it was. There may be a part in common with the feelings of Yoshiko, who has been battling the disease for a long time.
Why are you frowning alone in front of the door of possibility that is about to open wide?

The future is nothing but the accumulation of “who we are now.” I hope you enjoy this moment with a smile and peace of mind.

I spent about 22-32 years at the ascetic dojo, so my youth was Aladdin.
However, even if I look back now, no matter how glorious and how sad the past is, it's like a dream. You do too, right? Everything in the past is like a dream. There is only one now.
What's more, it's no use just imagining the past of human experiences.
Rather, let's start here and now.
I recommend zazen. That doesn't mean you have to sit back.
(Sit) Once you master the mind of Zen, the world will be full of treats.
In order to master the mind of Zen, it is important to do zazen meditation, but the main point is to “reduce voluntary brain information.” Please take a break from the thoughts you are triggering yourself.
Then, the protagonist of this world switches from you (sense of self) to the side of your life.
Humans are not happy when they come into contact with the world when they are in self-mode through a filter of self-consciousness.
When you're in life mode where the filter of self-consciousness has been removed, no matter where you are, it's a world full of things you receive, receive, once in a lifetime, never again.
This is what the Buddha said, “The world shines beautifully.”
A lot of people think zazen is about doing zazen meditation, and there are also Zen monks who think so, but I'm not saying that. We are spreading effective and useful Zen.
Zen is Shakyamuni's espresso of enlightenment in order to make yourself happy.
I don't have anything either. So, you can get anything, and the whole world is full of bad food.
Are you also bad at anything? If that's the case, try getting rid of anything.
The world will shine brightly.
Nothing you said is yet to be reached. I recommend Zen meditation and zazen.
If it were Chiba, I would be able to come. Please come and become a carapo.
Since the PC and data files are empty, anything can fit in.
I can write anything because I don't have a half paper, no sketchbook, or anything.
I don't even have a negative sense of ❝ nothing ❞ in my heart, so it's full of things.
I think what I'm trying to say somehow came through. Your life will be brighter and more enjoyable.
Please come and visit us.

10 years of fighting illness... that must have been very difficult.

You overcame it and got better,
That's really great!
There are probably many people who can't overcome it.
There's no such thing as nothing in your life.

This kind of comparison isn't very good, but friends you envy
If I were in the same position as you and got the same illness,
Can we fight diseases just like you?

It is said that Shinto and Buddha only give that person what they can overcome in life.

Precisely because you have the wonderful power to overcome this difficult situation
The current state of affairs may be an issue to be overcome.

For people whose experience of fighting a disease you get the same disease that follows and start fighting the disease
Wouldn't it be really reassuring?
I think there are many things that can be understood and given only because they have the same illness.

Maybe you can help people.

Thanks to the days you've had a hard time,
Maybe someone, or even multiple people, will be saved.

It would also be good to keep a disease diary on a blog, etc.
It might be a good idea to create a place where people with the same illness can talk online.

It is said that family and friends who will cooperate with you have come
I'm sure something will come out of there, and various expansions will come out of there.

Your life is yet to come.

I pray that your path will be brightly illuminated.

Gassho

Yoshiko-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is my humble answer to the question.

It's really painful after fighting and suffering from mental illness for so many years... I'm really glad that you have recovered to the point where you can finally do things you take for granted.

So, this is where it starts. It's a fresh start to life. As much as we have been able to put up with and endure until now, let's do our best.

Since Yoshiko has had twice as much pain and hardship as anyone else until now, I believe that her future life, work, play, and love... all of them will be fresh, thankful, and precious.

Furthermore, I think Yoshiko would be able to understand the feelings of people in the same difficult and difficult position as if it were her own. I hope you can give them encouragement and support by doing something for those people as well.

I would be grateful if you could be kind to others, and of course, be kind to yourself, and walk your future life for yourself and for others.

Also, don't compare yourself too much to your surroundings. Compared to others, it's not very good to despise yourself or be tormented by an inferiority complex. We have dealt with comparisons so far and in each of the following questions, so please take a look.

http://blog.livedoor.jp/hasunoha_kawaguchi/archives/cat_320135.html

Now, the beginning of the second act of life, it's time to begin...

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho