I want to live well without being caught up by illness

Mr. Sun. The current state must be difficult.

Your physical condition is fine even if you do an examination.

But your stomach hurts, doesn't it?

I think it's your own suffering that others don't understand, and since it's a matter of the heart, you have no choice but to fight with your own strength.

If it's like that, maybe everyone thinks the same way.

In Buddhism, it is called “all laws and nothing.”

In a nutshell, does it mean that my existence is in a relationship?

What worries me most is that you don't communicate and are trying to break off relationships.

It may not be easy to find someone who understands your suffering.

But it is in the relationships you have formed that you are.

Perhaps, even if you don't understand it, you may encounter relationships that ease your suffering.

Please don't break off relationships with those around you, and take a quick look at your surroundings.

Ninety percent of life's problems are relationships. Even if you don't feel that way on the surface, most of them are rooted in human relationships.
You probably wouldn't be able to say that your current problems and the reason you became like that are definitely not human relationships are an issue.
I recommend that you first face the cause ①, don't leave that event as a bad evaluation, and change your point of view and take it positively. They know that there is no profit at all even if they grudge or curse the past, and they only change evaluations of the past that cannot be changed.
Next ② it's about understanding the trouble itself with your heart and becoming independent from your own heart.
Only you can handle your heart.
It is used by one's own mind, and since they don't try to master it themselves, they are controlled by their own negative thoughts.
It's a disease. If it's an illness, don't bully yourself in a negative way, despise yourself, belittle yourself, or drop it,
First, please ask again after being specific about ❝ who you are ❞ afraid of, who you are becoming aware of, and what you want them to be like, rather than what you are afraid of.
And if it's clear who's bothering you, express it here. Talk about your concerns then.
You are all yourself, and you are hurting yourself.
This is because you're not dealing with anyone.
You're probably alone. You're probably moving the inside of your heart.
Thinking about dark things, bad things, and things that make me feel bad about myself is probably all within the factory called myself.
When people say you don't have the confidence to say it.
What are you doing in your mind?
Aren't you bullying yourself?
Try to concretize that you don't have confidence.
Feeling depressed, starting to think bad things, flashbacks, fear of a recurrence of past failure experiences.
Buddhism is a path where you can see through your own heart and not suffer in your own heart.
Please make an effort to look at yourself. Please ask again about what to do with that. No matter who you are in your world, you are the one who torments you. Please set yourself free from yourself.

Thank you so much for your post.
It's been over 15 years, so I'm afraid it was a difficult day for you.
The first thing I want to say is that the mind cannot be solved by the mind alone.
In Buddhism, there are many ways to think about mind and body in the same way, forgive, enhance, and energize entire living beings by approaching them not only from thought, but also from the body.

Instead of fighting, observe without right and wrong, pleasure or discomfort.
In particular, observing breathing is an important method.
Breathing is the only function that connects the voluntary and the involuntary of humans.
To put it simply, breathing is something you can control yourself, even though it usually moves without permission.
When you feel calm and relaxed, your breathing should be slowly getting deeper.
Breathing and mind are linked.
For starters, close your eyes and observe your breathing dozens of times. As a reminder, we do not control our breathing; we only “observe.” Also, please objectively observe the thoughts that come up when you keep observing them, not right or wrong, and let them come to a boil.
By focusing on the body without right or wrong, you will feel that it has acknowledged you, and it will naturally change in a good direction.
As you get used to “observation,” you will be able to face yourself “here and now.”
Then a smile for myself comes into being.
Once you are able to communicate with yourself, you will change so that you can communicate with others.

First
“We have to communicate”
“I have to heal my body and mind”
Take a break from the stereotype that includes right and wrong, and first observe your current self. It is also about honestly observing one's own physical and mental senses, which are not knowledge or words.

You're not going anywhere, and nothing changes.
You don't need to let go of your illness either.
I don't need confidence or strength.

Just be aware that the signpost is only for this moment,
You are not held captive by anyone, by illness, or by yourself,
I'm “living” myself in that moment.
If the amount of time you “live” increases little by little,
I'm sure real life will change little by little.

I wish you a comfortable physical and mental life in the future.

San-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is a humble answer to the question.

It's really painful that you have been hospitalized due to a mental illness, and even though there are no abnormalities in the examination, physical pain has also appeared...

There are no abnormalities in the examination... but they suffer with severe pain... there are no abnormalities, just because no diagnosis has been made, understanding and support from those around them cannot be obtained, and they suffer even more...

I know that there are places where it is difficult for the world to understand that there are diseases such as collagen disease, fibromyalgia, autoimmune diseases, etc., where the cause has not yet been sufficiently clarified, and treatments have not been established...

If you really don't understand these diseases, you may sometimes be viewed with severe prejudice, whether it's because you just want to skip it or because you want to have fun, and you may not be able to endure double suffering or triple suffering...

I think San-sama is probably fighting in the midst of such suffering...

To be honest, don't think that you have no choice but to fight with your own strength, don't force yourself into isolation, and you can communicate with various people or disseminate information so that everyone around you can understand the illness you have; for example, if it's not impossible, you may be raised in a voiceless voice so that people can understand it on blogs, SNS, etc. I don't.

Of course, there are scary aspects of using real names on the internet, so I know it's OK to be anonymous, and comments sections etc. are also regulated, so I know that it is necessary to think carefully about privacy issues.

Eventually, as communication increases in various ways, you may receive advice for improvement and information on treatment cases, and it may lead to exchanges, encouragement, help, and support with people who have similar suffering. If possible, you may also find a way to complete healing.

At any rate, I ask for your support, just so that you never keep pushing yourself forward.

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho