I really hate people. How can I forgive?

I have a younger brother who is 12 years apart.
My younger brother is a half-father sibling.

My younger brother's father was caught many times for drugs, and when he drank alcohol, he went on a rampage at home and destroyed things.

He was a kind person with good roots.
No matter how bad things I said, I didn't get angry, and no matter how much I drank alcohol and went wild, they didn't hurt my mother or me.

But I still hated that person. I still have a grudge against him.
I get angry and burst into tears when I think that person is still laughing at everyday life somewhere.

The reason was that my mother didn't report my brother's pregnancy or remarriage to me. Even though we didn't get hurt, the sight of them going on a rampage was very scary, and even now, the loud noises and loud knocking violently on the door are traumatic. Guilt of not being able to report drug possession.

So, in a planned manner, I divorced that person and my mother. My brother wasn't even 1 year old at the time.

I was still in elementary school, so I threw away all the photos showing my younger brother's father.
So my brother doesn't even know his father's face.
According to my mother's intention, I told my younger brother that “my father died.”

My younger brother has the opposite personality from me, and he can say things that I can't say.
I can do things I can't.

I was abandoned by my mother when I was little, so I'm jealous of my younger brother who is properly loved.
At the same time, we can't understand each other, and we get angry every time we talk.

I'm sorry for being so incoherent and so long.

I have such a past, and I have tried to kill my mother, brother, and father many times before my mother and younger brother's father got divorced.

Trying to strangle my little brother or stabbing him by making him take sleeping pills...

I'm already divorced, and it's been about 7 years since I started living with my mother and brother.

My younger brother's grudge against his father and younger brother still hasn't disappeared. I also know my brother's father's address. I don't know when they'll kill them.

I hate myself the most because I hate people so much, and it's been painful the whole time.

Other than that, the family's difficult circumstances are constant.

I can't stand it any longer.

But first, how can I get rid of my younger brother's resentment and guilt towards his father and younger brother?

I can't say this to anyone.
We look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your support.

4 Zen Responses

Give up (make it clear)

I saw the question
Where does the darkness in your heart come from?
My self, who didn't receive love, and my younger brother who received love from my mother...
My fearful self against my rampage father-in-law
I wasn't able to report drug use
The self that made me get divorced
Are you trying to crush yourself because you have a lot of bad feelings about yourself?
I think I'm losing track of my own emotions like a tangled thread.
Shall we try unraveling it once?

The character “” in the title means to give up, but it has the meaning of “making everything clear.”
First, look for the root of your emotions.
You may have to remember a lot of painful things, and you may not like it along the way, but don't throw it out.
Among the sutras called the Lotus Sutra, it is admonished that “the Buddha snuggles up to those who move forward with one heart even if it is difficult and shows the way.”
So don't give up even if it's hard. Not everything is clear enough to give up yet, and the Buddha is snuggling up to me.
Once everything has been done, it's time no matter how bad you are
Please accept it.
Who is Nichiren Shonin from the Kamakura period
“Pain is suffering, understanding, and opening up with ease.”
It is shown.
All of the suffering and fun is myself. It's part of who I am. If you are satisfied, I think the world you can see will look different even if the world doesn't change.
It's really hard to get that far.
I'm also in the middle of that journey.

Because you're young

From your teens to your early twenties, your feelings of glaring will still be intense.
With age, a person's personality changes.

Also, as the world involved in everyday life expands, so does the world of thought.
If you have a grudge, it's probably because you've been harmed in something.
However, as the world expands, the burden of damage will decrease, and it may be felt that resentment is futile.
A child with 1000 yen of pocket money would be quite resentful if they were taken 100 yen, but if they become working adults with an annual income of millions, they may be able to forgive the past where 100 yen was taken.
Maybe people who have a grudge can't afford it.
If the world where people live as they age expands, there may be room and resentment lessens.
Also, please keep fighting against your own anger so that it happens.

May my dad and my brother be happy too

Hijiri-sama

This is Kawaguchi Hidetoshi. This is my humble answer to the question.

Anger due to intense resentment that makes people even think they want to kill... it becomes one of the three major afflictions of greed, insanity, and insanity, and it can become a real fierce fire, and maximum caution is required.

Shakyamuni explains that grudges and grudges must be calmed down, either by enduring them or by letting go. (For details, see Words of Inspiration, Udhanavarga, Chapter 14, “Hatred.”)

In Buddhism, there is an ascetic virtue called forgiveness (garlic) haramitsu, and patience is also an important form of cultivation in Buddhism. An evil act caused by intense anger called anger is like burning yourself in the fire of hell. I would really like to ask if you can endure it and if you can have it as something you haven't let go of.

If it is still too difficult to endure and let go, I would like to recommend nourishing mercy.

Please try practicing “mercy meditation” every day, even twice a day in the morning and evening.

The reference is from the Japan Therawada Buddhist Association, and the following is slightly arranged.

May I be happy
May my worries and suffering go away
May my wishes come true
May the light of enlightenment appear in me
May I be happy

May all living things be happy
May the worries and suffering of living things go away
May the wishes of living beings come true
May the light of enlightenment also appear in living things
May all living things be happy

May the people I hate be happy too
May the worries and suffering of the people I don't like go away
May the wishes of the people I hate come true
May the light of enlightenment also appear to those I hate

May the people who hate me be happy too
May the worries and suffering of people who hate me go away
May the wishes of people who hate me come true
May the light of enlightenment also appear to those who hate me

May my dad and my brother be happy too

May all living things be happy

Kawaguchi Hidetoshi Gassho

Deeply toxic

That's a pity.
When the poison went deep into my heart and I lost my true sense of kindness, I was completely healed when I took the good medicine (kourouyaku) that had been kept in place and took it myself. It is explained in the Lotus Sutra. Good medicine is Nanmu Myōhō Renge Kyō (Nanmyō Spinach Kyō).
Put your hands together and sing the Nanmu Myōhō Renge Kyō with your voice. Keep a quiet voice when you can't put it out. If it's a situation where you don't allow that, say it desperately over and over again in your heart.
Fill in the gaps between your lives with the title of Namu Myōhō Renge Kyō. You will definitely be saved.

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