hasunoha - Zen Q&A

It's painful to feel sad about not being able to behave well.
Everyone in my family is kind and funny, and we are the best family.
My siblings have a baby, and I go to other prefectures to see their faces, but since I work every day, I want to use it for myself on Saturdays and Sundays. I had plans to play with my friends, but I declined my friend's invitation because they said they would be happy if they came to my family. Also, when I'm not playing with my friends, I want to relax alone at home, but my mother invites me to go shopping and even if I don't want to go shopping, they say they want me to have fun and come, so I reluctantly go. Today, too, I wanted to tidy up my room and study, but I spent a day doing family shopping, etc., and I couldn't do anything, so I'm typing this letter in a dirty room even though I wish I could clean up now. I think normal people can spend time with their families without thinking about anything and get away with stress, but I don't have enough brain capacity, and recently I'm cold to my family, and I've been disrespecting my own life. Everyone in my family is kind and takes care of me, but I hate myself for being cold when I think about this. I want to be a bright self, but I hate being unable to do it. Not only with my family, but recently I'm busy with work every day, and being talked to me by my colleagues is painful, so I want to run away from everything. I'm tired of dealing with people while thinking about how I used to interact with everyone. My friend told me that I was always cheerful, had no worries, and seemed happy. I also like my bright self. I'm sorry to my friends, colleagues, and family who love me because I don't like myself because I don't like myself and can't do that.
I've been thinking a lot lately.
My family and friends will all think a lot about suicide, so I think it's a traffic accident or something. I want to be as bright as everyone thinks.
From being kind to people who don't have enough brain capacity, I want to be kind to people and be bright and happy.
I don't know what caused this to happen.
Anyway, I want to go to a place where nobody knows about me.
Sorry for the mess of sentences.

I read your question.

You don't understand your relationships with people, and you're suffering from shortness of breath.
I'm really sorry.

Well, isn't Ma too caught up in the stereotype that “it should be like this”?
I think my family should be like this, my colleagues should be like this, and my friends should be like this, so I think I blame myself for not being able to take it for granted and despise myself, and I'm probably feeling depressed. And since your feelings get depressed, you don't feel like it, and you're worried again... aren't you in such a negative spiral?

Everyone has their own way of thinking, personality, and values. Each person also has their own way of dealing with people. If you try to force it into the frame of a stereotype, it will always be distorted. You're going to be playing yourself without yourself, so you'll get tired someday.
Therefore, it's important not to overdo it and get along with people in your own way.

Of course, it is necessary not only to act selfishly, but sometimes it is necessary to adapt to others. However, please do so within your own reasonable range.
That way, if you can socialize with people that are reasonable for you, little by little, you will be able to relax your mind. If you do that, you'll be able to grasp the distance between people in your own way.

Don't think too much about it.
Please use it as a reference even for a little while.

I hate myself for not being good at it.

1 Zen Response

Aren't you getting too caught up in stereotypes?