How to relate to parents and how to raise a sense of self-affirmation

I'm a working woman in my 20s.
From when I was in middle school, I didn't have any confidence in myself, and I began to see only the things I chose and the bad aspects of the place I belonged to, and I began to take a negative view of them.

Recently, I've been taking a fresh look at myself, and I've somehow come to understand the cause.
First, I don't like the way I look, and I think people make fun of me because I'm ugly.
I'm sure that's because my mother took a detour and denied my appearance when I grew up.
I am so similar to my father that all my relatives recognize it.
I grew up being told by my mother that I was “very similar to my father.”
Meanwhile, her mother said, “Why did you get married to an ugly guy like your dad? I'm taken aback, so I'm not my type at all,” he said over and over again.
For me, that means I'm ugly.
From my point of view, I think my father is ugly.

My mother sometimes refers to me as beautiful. But I can't believe those words anymore. I think my mother is complimenting me too.
I don't think my face was that bad when I had my makeup on.
But I really don't like the makeup face when it looks bad or in the first place.

Also, where did this get so distorted, and I'm a perfectionist even though I can't produce perfect results.
Therefore, I am unable to acknowledge my imperfections.
My appearance is different from what I want, so I can't have that kind of confidence in myself.

Also, in my relationship with my parents, I have behaved in front of my parents as being “indifferent, enlightened, and independent.”
My mother says, “Because you were raised to be a child who can say no,” and “you don't depend on people, do you?”
Rather, the opposite is true. I insist that I don't like it, and I can hardly say No because I'm afraid of being disliked or jittery. I'm very dependent on people.
Maybe my parents have seen through that kind of thing about me, but since I'm a sloppy adult, I don't want to be embarrassed by throwing up a weak voice in front of my parents.

What is the reason why my sense of self-affirmation is getting lower
・Being denied my appearance by my parents
・Trying to repair perfection
I think it's around here.
So, if I know the cause to some extent, how should I gain confidence in myself?
It would be helpful if you could guide me.

3 Zen Responses

It means empty.

Buddhism defines everything as empty. Empty does not mean nothing. Another way to express the sky is called “unselfish,” or fuzzy. This means that there is no fixed personality for that thing or that person itself.
For example, you use the word ugly in your questions, but the person who feels ugly is someone else, right? That means that the contents of ugly are completely different from person to person.
To put it more simply, men who prefer thin women may think that chubby women are fat and ugly. Also, men who like chubby women may think that skinny women are skinny and ugly.
They're both ugly, even though they're the exact opposite.
In other words, it can be said that the word ugly is a word that works even if the content is the exact opposite.
This is called the sky.
I'll give you one more example. I think people who love dogs are cute even if they look at fierce dogs such as Dobermans. However, I think people who don't like dogs are scared to look at Chihuahuas. So whether dogs are cute or scary, the opposite is true. This is called the sky.

We live in an empty world.
So I'm sure some people think you're ugly, but there are also people who think you're beautiful.

If that's the case, there's absolutely no point in worrying about your appearance. You should have relationships with people who think you're great.
In other words, it's pointless for you to have your own assumptions.

Next, the act of repairing perfection is also meaningless. No matter how perfect you think you've done it yourself, there are times when others judge that it's incomplete.
Conversely, even if it's not perfect, there are times when you get an evaluation saying that it's totally OK.

Because everything is empty. If you understand this concept of the sky, you will think that most of the world's problems are not worries.

If you think so, it can be said that it's pointless for you to worry about your sense of self-affirmation.

The bottom line is that you can just be who you are. You can live your life with confidence as you are. Gassho

You are living with blessings

I read it.
I read that you are worried about how to relate to your parents and how to raise your sense of self-affirmation. You must have had a very difficult time when your parents also told you about your appearance and personality until now. And even now, they're working hard and acting courteous in front of their parents, aren't they? If that's true, you probably aren't like that yourself. Also, various things have been said until now, and it's hard to affirm myself, so I'm very lost and worried. I don't know the details about you, but I really understand your painful feelings.
You don't need anyone to deny you anything, either outwardly or internally. You are blessed and are living by receiving various relationships. Your parents may say this and that about you based on their own personal opinions or feelings at the moment, but there is no need to listen to such rants at all.
What's more, you don't always have to be perfect; no human being is perfect, everyone is immature. So there's no need to work so hard, put up with it, or force yourself to work hard.
You are already living well, and it is very precious that you are still alive.
There are so many people watching over you all the time. The Buddha, gods, and your ancestors will kindly watch over you anytime, anywhere, and no matter what situation you are in, without forgetting for a moment. They are always watching over and snuggling up to you so that you can live peacefully and with peace of mind every day. What's more, you are being loved, blessed, and nurtured while receiving a new life every day.
So please don't worry; please feel confident about yourself little by little.
You will be able to live your life protected by so many people for a long time to come.
I sincerely pray that you will grow healthily while being loved and nurtured in the future, and that you will live a peaceful and happy life from the bottom of your heart while being blessed with relationships with your loved ones. And I wholeheartedly support you.
Please never blame yourself, please don't push yourself into anything.

They are alive because they are necessary for the universe

Let's think that the reason you're alive right now is because you are necessary due to the balance of the universe.
Also, the Buddha called Amida Buddha has vowed to always welcome people who nembutsu with “Namu Amida Buddha” to the Pure Land of Paradise.
From the Buddha's point of view, you are an important person (to be saved).
We are worried about pride, and since we want to think that we are amazing, we compare our superiority and inferiority with others.
However, the worry of pride causes trouble and suffering.
The Buddha who realized the truth doesn't have that kind of worry, but every day we, foolish people who don't understand, are full of worries and stress. Without the worry of pride, there is no need for self-denial or self-affirmation, but it is difficult for us who are foolish to understand.
Let's chant “namu amidabutsu (namu amidabutsu) (namu ami dabu namu amidabu)” so that we can at least notice it in the next life (pure land of paradise).
Also, if you are in love, it may lead to a sense of self-affirmation.
If there are people in this world who fall in love with me, I am encouraged.

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