I'm sad to remember my mother who passed away

When I was 28 years old, my mother died of cancer after fighting illness at home for about half a year, and I was sad and at the same time very anxious.

At the time, I was only thinking that I could have done something more because of my kind mother, who was like no other in human terms.

Over the past few years, I've come to remember my mother's disgusting side and disgusting side, such as saying that I and my family were bad, saying that she was selfish, seemed to be thinking for me, and that she was just impacting her emotions.
It's also like a rebellious period where something has been delayed, and I also think that the more I say bad or terrible things about my mother, the more depraved I have become.

The year my mother died, I became depressed, and there are many bad things that happen in my life after that, and there are places that drag on even now.

I can't say that my current situation is good, and I think that also has something to do with remembering my mother. However, I don't know it directly, but since there are probably people who are living well even if they aren't blessed with good luck or continue to be unhappy, I don't think that is a reason.

It's been over 10 years since my mother passed away, and I'm still sad and lonely. It's hard. It seems like my mother felt more miserable than anyone else, and I myself seemed terribly miserable, and there seemed to be no emotional connection with my mother. On the other hand, I now feel more painfully lonely than before. I think there were times when my mother was the only person I had relationships with. My mother's death is no longer a thing of the past. It's painful.

As I read in some book, thinking about my mother and wanting to think that I'm fine is probably greed.

Why do I only remember bad things about my mother?

I would be grateful if you could give me some words.

4 Zen Responses

What was there didn't die, it's just the current state

When it comes to her mother, she grabs past memories and memories and is doing it in her thoughts. That's painful. Looking at the current situation, my mother isn't there, but I remember it. I feel sad that there are no comparisons.

There is no Buddhist salvation in memory or way of thinking. It's about looking right now at this part of your body. Not in my mind, but in real life now. The place I'm touching now has nothing to do with it or not, and I'm satisfied.

As a way of thinking, I would like the mother to let go of her carelessness. So think of it as reminding you of something bad that people don't like. This is a break. Why don't you think of it as a message to live in the present without being bound by the past?

Please tell your mother

I read it.
I read that you think so much about your mother that you are worried about this and that, including good and bad things. I sincerely understand your concerns.
As you got older, I think you came to think of a lot of things as a single mother. It was like this at that time, and I think it reminds me a lot of people that they had that attitude when they were told like this.
None of us are perfect, and we change as we experience various things every day. And then they keep growing.
From your point of view, I think your mother was in the process of growing up.
And your mother probably loved and raised you as hard as possible in her own way.
Your mother passed away, was guided by the Buddha and God, was welcomed by her ancestors, and she probably achieved Buddhism peacefully and peacefully. And even now, they're probably watching over you kindly without forgetting even a moment.
The relationship between you and your mother will last forever.
Please continue to peacefully offer memorial services to your mother and honestly and sincerely tell your mother about your feelings for her. Your mother will kindly accept all of your feelings. They gently accept your feelings and gently snuggle up to you. You will be able to grow with your mother as you continue to live.
And one day, when you have reached the end of your life, the Buddha or God will always welcome you, and your mother will take your ancestors and gently welcome you. Then, we rejoice and share, and peacefully attain Buddhahood.
I sincerely pray to your mother that you will continue to live your life with a rich heart and health in connection with your mother.

From self-love, my child love, kinship love to charity　

Please reread it once you've finished reading it all.
Dogen Zenji said you should just live for the sake of Buddhism.
If you interpret it in another word, live for true love rather than love for others rather than self-love, and live for love itself. I thought I could become a mass of love.
If you are a food manufacturer, not for food, for production, or for factories, but for the improvement of humanity as a whole through food.
Well, here we go.
I will talk from your mother's point of view rather than yours in a way that is close to your mother's compassion and wishes. I dare say that it's tough.
Even if love is love, love that makes you “feel sorry for yourself,” or love to love yourself at a level where you are caught up in a sense of loss and end up feeling like you don't want to do anything may take precedence.
This may hurt, but it should be turned into an effect of “noticing” rather than “hurting.” Almost every person in this world preserves and preserves themselves and is desperate to protect themselves. It is common for everyone to have such a sense of self-love. However, I feel that people have a sad mentality where they put their own LOVE first if the feeling of admiring the wonderful effects of love that every human being has watched over and nurtured over many years is not prioritized rather than calling love that has been protected from other beings from the perspective of maintaining and preserving oneself. We are Mr. Bo, so I will look at this sad love of humanity as a whole and reflect on my heart. The reason I say that ascetic practice is painful is because of self-love. It is difficult to see through that such complicated love for oneself is extremely difficult.
If you don't have the slightest bit of self-love there, you really won't be hurt.
If you can truly awaken to a love that puts your mother first than yourself, your late mother will also be delighted.
why?
Because you will awaken to true love.
True motherhood is for my child rather than for myself. No, more for the work of “love” itself than for myself or for my child.
If you awaken to the same motherhood that your mother did for you, you will be able to work for someone you love more than yourself.
Also, if you can awaken to an even higher level of love, you will also be able to save past quarrels between your mother and yourself, and you will be able to help everyone you meet in the future with the power of love and mercy. worships

How to break a negative loop

Mr. Matsu

I blame myself for suffering because I haven't made an effort in my life. I'm depressed and can't accept my pitiful self, so even though she passed away 10 years ago, I turned my thoughts on the mother I depended on, passed on my current lament to my mother, and blamed my mother who passed away because it seemed like she was in a rebellious period. It makes me feel even more painful and sad, and I also feel miserable about it and blame myself again.
Where do you break the painful, painful negative loop?

You can treat yourself more carefully. I think so.
You can get closer and touch the warm, serene, and gentle atmosphere.
You can go to a place of your choice, be surrounded by gentle light, and be healed.

I became depressed, blaming my mother, and feeling bad about myself
You didn't want to be that way.
It's good to be healed more, it's okay to cry more,
More than that, you can ask someone to share your kindness.

Please feel safe and secure somewhere, and be soothed.
Then, when I opened my heart and expressed all my painful feelings,
Your voice will turn into gratitude, and your mother's smile will return to you.

The above
Please rely on the person you can rely on the most, such as your best friend, teacher, counselor, therapist, or monk, and have them listen to your feelings slowly.
That will be your first step.
I think so. Gassho ceremony

PS: Thank you for your kind words of thanks.
“I want someone to listen to me, I want to be healed. Maybe that's the real intention.” “I really hope so.” Let's try relying on someone we can rely on for now without trying too hard. If you don't see it, I think you should sign up for an online consultation speaking on Hasunoha's Z00M. Please rely on answering monks who seem to be able to talk to you. Regret

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