There is no hope

I read your consultation.
I sympathize with your suffering and feelings, and I want to be close to you.
The story conveys that you have experienced various difficulties and suffering in your life, and that these experiences have had an impact on your own thoughts and relationships. Past events, including attempted suicide, decreased sense of self-affirmation due to comparison with others, changes in daily life due to the home environment, all of these are probably felt to be a huge burden.
The changes in thinking and behavior you feel may be due to mental strain or stress. You can take it as something that is by no means childish. It is a natural reaction for past events and current situations to tire the mind and affect one's ability to think and act.
First, it is important to consider whether sufficient support can be received for the experience of attempted suicide, self-denial due to comparison with others, and relationship difficulties. I have had the experience of listening to various institutions and experts that have been consulted so far, but if you can receive expert support, I recommend that you consider it again.
Also, it's important to face yourself and accept yourself in order to sort out your current situation and feelings. In order to mitigate the habit of comparing yourself to others and denying oneself, it is necessary to raise a sense of self-affirmation. By not blaming yourself and taking care of yourself, you may be able to develop a sense of self-affirmation.
Furthermore, it is important to adjust the rhythm of everyday life. Maintaining sleep, nutrition, and proper exercise may help balance your body and mind. Receiving new stimuli through going out and interacting with people will also revitalize your mind and improve your mood.
Finally, since you're looking for “blackmail to live,” “blackmail that makes you think properly,” and “blackmail that allows you to work in a relationship with people,” it may be a good idea to try to find new challenges and goals that suit you in order to find new awareness and hope.
Also, in order to get out of such a difficult situation, I want you to value compassion and care for yourself in order to regain your energy and build a more positive future. Please move forward little by little at your own pace. Please take good care of yourself. I support you. Gassho

Thank you Momo-sama for your consultation.

You've been bullied since you were in elementary school, and I think you've survived a lot in difficult situations such as orthostatic adjustment disorder. It's not your fault that you tried to take your life. Neither the abuse nor the mental disorder are your fault, and it's not your fault. You don't have to blame yourself.
Also, you can rely on someone you trust to be able to rely on.
It's not your fault that you don't have good relationships.
When they are bullied, they begin to look at people's complexions, and they inevitably build barriers in interpersonal relationships, and they are unable to convey their feelings. It's an action your brain is taking to protect you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Also, when people lament that they can't find their own place, they feel their own place when they find a safe interpersonal relationship. Therefore, it is necessary for you to feel comfortable that this is a safe place. If it's difficult right now, it's important to find it within yourself and nurture it.
Treat yourself gently with the kind heart, serene heart, and compassionate heart that everyone has within you. The Buddha (a heart of compassion like a Buddha) is in your heart. Let's go there and access it.
My cry is, “Let's be aware of the Buddha (Buddha Heart) within you.”

If you're alone a lot, go to a place where you can relax, take deep, and slow breaths, breathe pleasant kindness into yourself with the breath you enter (fresh air), let out bad thoughts with the breath that comes out, direct compassion and kindness within yourself, and feel the warmth of your heart. Once you begin to feel the warmth of your heart, try to think that there is a seed within you that becomes the Buddha. This is the first step. Please refer to it. I'm sure it will be fine.
One bow
PS: Thank you so much for your message. Please look at yourself slowly and at your own pace so that it makes sense for you and that you can find a place in your heart. Try to be conscious of being filled with kindness like hugging yourself. Please contact us again. I would like to thank you for your partnership. Regret

I read it.
I read that you are having a very difficult time right now. I don't know the details of your situation or feelings, but I understand your painful feelings from the bottom of my heart.
Up until now, you've asked these thoughts and questions to a variety of people, haven't you? However, my range of thought is getting narrower and narrower, and I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction. I feel like you're being really driven into it right now.
You inevitably compare yourself to others and feel so depressed, and I think you have lost hope of living. I feel like I can really understand that you are in a difficult situation to think so.
You want to change yourself like that, don't you? You want to work and live with peace of mind while being involved with people.

You're still alive and well. They are blessed with relationships with many people and things.
If you go outside for a bit, the spring sun is probably shining on you now, and lots of flowers are probably smiling gently at you. You live your life receiving so many lives every day.
Please take a leisurely breath; fresh air comes into your body every time you take a breath, and life, which is a delicious meal every day, comes into your stomach and helps you live. And the organs and cells throughout the body work hard for you without rest to keep you healthy.

You may be sick in your heart, or you may be full of suffering. Nevertheless, you are now living well. The Buddha, gods, and ancestors have always gently protected you, and they continue to watch over you for your salvation.
Please tell us your feelings clearly to us, the Buddha, gods, and ancestors, and tell them to the point where the inside of your heart is empty. Also, please lighten your mind and body.
We look forward to welcoming you. We wholeheartedly agree

What does it mean that people really exist? What should I do?
It really just needs to be there.
The true form of human existence is that there are no rules, rules, rules, or anything, such as “it must be like this” or “it should be like this.”
The fact that people exist there is “no” reason or logic, just like things and living things just exist there. “Because it's not there, I want to give various inappropriate reasons later. Or maybe they give strange reasons and begin to think that they are not good at all.
Then, from there, it twists the facts by drawing in a lot of delusions. They belittle facts by adding more and more bad meanings.
Who is the culprit who has the most difficult habit of not getting along with the school, not being a good match for him, that is troublesome, annoying, allergic, and having a rejection reaction? Everyone is who they are.
Apart from that, it hasn't reduced anything. Apart from that, it didn't just cause a wound that really bleed. What is the loudest and most painful thing is actually the feeling that your inside isn't calm rather than the outside, isn't it?
Please don't worry.
Everyone is like that when it comes to mental suffering.
What happened to that guy? Who is that “guy” who says this? Everyone is who they are. Who is this “guy” who is “this guy” that I wish he didn't have to do that? Everyone has these own thoughts and delusions.
Take a look right in front of you.
What's there?
what is that?
Why is it there? Why is it there?
Who gives it a bad meaning or creates a bad impression?
Who colors this and that?
Everyone is themselves.
Stop being swayed by that unstable and uncertain “way of thinking.” That is the Buddha's way, the way of self.
The world originally had a beautiful appearance before I got into this and that trouble because of this talkative self. That is the Buddha's world. However, the ego/self guy who is busy with self-preservation who only has difficult habits with this chatter actually has selfish thoughts.
Even though that isn't really true, people find suffering there.
I suffer because I look at things that are “untrue.” This is because they misunderstand what they think, and what they draw in their head as true. The path to salvation is an untouched world of the human heart.