I just want to die and it's painful

I'm currently depressed and taking a leave of absence from college.
I am suffering from bullying, rants from my biological father and mother's remarriage partner, distrust of humanity due to my mother's infidelity, and the trauma of sexual harm at age 4 and 21
When I was 20 years old, I became mentally unstable and asked my mother for help, but I was driven away to “do it without permission,” and I measured my suicide

Now that I'm on leave of absence, my mother says “don't drag on the past forever,” “why is traumatized,” “don't be spoiled,” “don't be thankful enough,” and “don't blame others.”
I was asked, “What do you want to do,” but I just want to die
I love studying I still have a lot more to study when I go back to school
But I don't want to live any longer

Furthermore, my grandfather, who can be said to be my only ally, passed away last year, and I lost my emotional support
It hurts me every day why my grandfather had to die in my life when I measured suicide

I know I'm spoiled as long as I have my tuition fees paid
But I've grown up to this point without being able to blame others, and recently I've finally come to understand that “it's not all my fault,” but I don't blame others... then where should I direct my anger and sadness

I'm already tired of everything
I just want to die
I'm sorry that the sentence didn't come together

4 Zen Responses

The world is full of unfairness and contradictions, isn't it?

I read it.

I understand the feeling that you are standing in a last-minute position right now.
Indeed, as Hana Asagi-san said, it is evident that society in the world is amplifying by leaving it up to others, just as one has come to understand or be convinced that “not everything is my fault.”

Also, since she has had many painful experiences, it is also true that unwittingly, Hana Asagi-san also has strong mental strength.

On the other hand, I want to die, but I think, “Well, what should I do? this current situation!?” I feel that it is a series of lives where there is no escape and agony occurs precisely because there is no signpost with answers, etc.

Simply put, humans change to peace of mind when they “have a purpose.” Also, when you have a purpose, there are challenges and setbacks.
Also, before you have a “purpose,” what you need is a little bit about where your talents are suitable, from close friends, etc., and “you excel at ◯◯.” Being evaluated as something like that is an unconscious talent that you don't even notice.

The more polished a gemstone is, the more it shines. Like the mind, my life is my own, whether it's the past or reality, or whether the world is contradictory. When it comes to my self in a movie, the main character is Hana Asagi-san.

It is said that they are taking a leave of absence from university, but they made a very good choice. This is because most of what you learn when you don't feel like doing anything is something you can't learn called practice smoking.

Even for us monks, simply reciting sutras has no effect. When I understand Chinese literature and become aware of its profound truth, I also end up thinking “I don't care.”
What I don't care about is that I'm not running away, I'm not thinking about giving up, it's learning to meet my true self. It is what is called “real intellect and self-confidence.”

Even though it is written in Buddhist scriptures that the past will pass away, the reality is that there is no immediate change in one's own thoughts.

Is Hana Asagi-san waiting for something?
In order to reach that destination, why don't you push forward with the philosophy of being firm will so as not to be stranded around you.
Changes are gradual, and if you notice them, you have reached your destination.
It's OK to reduce the “sense of accomplishment.” As you gain a lot of sense of accomplishment, you will gain confidence.

It's still too early to give up!
Please feel free to come and talk to us anytime!

Gassho

That's abuse. A path where you can live a safe and secure life rather than a path to death.

rants from family... it's abuse, isn't it? Even so, the environment we have to live together is hell.
I'm a student, and I can't stand on my own. I thought so, and I've endured it all this time. sexual harm too...

Your home environment is also the cause of your symptoms of depression. There's nothing more painful than violence from a family that wants you to be closer and more on your side than anyone else.

I also provide DV support on a daily basis, and I would like you to receive DV consultations and support in your area.

・DV Navi Nationwide Telephone Number #8008 (Haleleba)
・DV Consultation Plus (24 hour phone email chat support)
・Youth General Counseling Center
・DV Consultation Support Center
・One-stop support center for victims of sexual crimes and sexual violence (Nationwide DV Navi #8891）

There are many consultation desks, and it also leads to specific support and lifestyle support such as shelters. First, you need to release violence from your family and ensure your safety.

Your life has been hurt. I want to take good care of them.
Let's all think about a path where we can live a safe and secure life rather than a path to death.

It's not a situation where you can do anything if you keep it in mind, is it

I understand that we are in a pretty difficult situation right now.
As other monks answered, I think it's important to change the environment. Even families can't change people.

What you can do is save yourself.
Conversely, it means that you are the one who torments yourself.

That's why I really want to live and do as many things as I want. That's because depending on yourself, you can also be happy.

Right now, everyone is probably going round and round in their heads connecting points and points of misfortune from the past. Aren't you sleeping very well?
Have you been to the hospital? Let's start by creating an environment where you can rest your body.

it's really painful, that's why I want to die

That's all
Because it was there
It's natural to get tired

The reason I don't want to live any longer
It's no wonder I want to die

If that really makes it easier for you
I think it's okay to do that

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