I want to like people again.

I haven't had a new love since I broke up with my ex six months ago, with whom I had been in a relationship for many years. Even when I meet a lot of people, I don't think I like them. I only find bad points, and I can't trust them in the first place, and before making decisions like them, I think it's physiologically impossible, and I can't get involved for such a long period of time that I can trust them and think I like them.
Everyone around me is married, and even though I'm worried about not being able to do someone I like, I'm talking about children and buying a house, and it makes me think I've been left behind, making it hard. Even though I was happy to meet everyone at Golden Week, the stages in my life were so different that it became difficult, and I also thought it might be better not to meet them anymore. I don't like thinking about that either.
I think people who can have a lover right away are amazing. I think people who can get married are even more amazing. It also makes me think that I should have tried harder and somehow married my ex.
All of the close men around me have girlfriends who are supposed to get married, and I really envy her. I just think that I'm unsold, that I've completely missed my marriage period, that it's a failure, and that I'm a failure.
From now on, I fall in love with people again, and the other side also likes me, and I can't see a future where I can get happily married at all. I fell in love with someone before I started dating my ex, so it was 7 or 8 years ago, and I don't know how to date them. I know how to work hard at studying or improving my hobbies, but I don't know how to work hard in a relationship. I can't move people's hearts, and I don't think I'm attractive enough to make people like me. Because they're 28 and haven't even gotten married, and they don't have a boyfriend, they're unsold. Similarly, it makes me think that all good men are married. I also know that it's no good because I only think about things like this. But it makes me think about it no matter what.
How can I fall in love with someone without any conditions? Can you find good things about people? I want to love myself too.

3 Zen Responses

In your stride

Thank you for your question.

Thank you very much for conveying your very honest and earnest feelings. I read this sentence, and I felt that various worries and feelings were intricately intertwined within Piyopiyo.
So if you sort out those problems, you may be able to see a clue to a solution.
For instance,
① “Things that don't go well in love”
② “Denial of self”
③ “Loneliness due to comparison with others”
④ Let's assume “anxiety about the future.”

If you dig even deeper

・My past wounds haven't healed and I think “I can't fail anymore”
・A state where one's own value can only be measured by “evaluation by others” or “social success”
・I'm denying myself that I have feelings or anxiety as “no good”
・A strong defense of “I don't want to get hurt” in relationships and romance is at work
・The successful experience of “if you make the right effort, you will get results” doesn't work in love and I feel helpless

By listing the problems and digging deeper, you should be able to see the essence of the problem.

Also, if the essence of the problem is “getting away from other people's expectations and social templates and regaining one's own standards of value,” in other words, “if you're in a state where you lose sight of your own pace by adapting too much to the pace of the people around you,” you'll quickly run out of breath and fall down, and you'll be in a state where your head and mind don't work due to exhaustion.

Isn't it important to be the last person to laugh in life?
Life is a marathon, not a race.
Whoever finishes faster than anyone else doesn't win.
People who can walk to the end on their own feet and at their own rhythm are amazing.
Each person has their own stride length and breathing.
If you overdo it and keep adjusting to someone else's speed,
You won't be able to keep up not only with your body, but also with your mind.

That's why
If you want to take a break, you can stop
When tears come out, it's OK to cry
If you get scared, you can go back

Only you can create the pace of your life
And if you go “in your own steps”
Someday, you'll be able to see the scenery only you can see
I'm sure it's a quiet yet deep “emotion just for you.”

You might need to catch your breath here and now, or move away from what you “like.”
I hope Piyopiyo can walk at her own pace.

Be patient. First, enrich your way of life with hobbies etc.!

Hello Piyopiyo-san.

You're worried about not being able to have a new love, aren't you?
It's not a song from somewhere, but love always comes. There's no need to be impatient.
So let's wait patiently until our new love. There are things that can happen before that new love begins. It's about making one's way of life fulfilling and appealing. I think the quickest thing is a hobby. Please expand your own world of joy and enjoyment from there. And as the world expands, encounters with various people naturally increase. If you have an attractive aura, men will always stop by. It's like pheromones. And someone suitable for you also appears among the men who have stopped by.
Even if you force yourself to fall in love, it won't always work out if your heart doesn't match. There's no point in comparing yourself to your friends. Each person has a different way of life, so marriage also changes. There are people who get married early and break up, and there are also many people who live happily even if they get married late. What is more important than marriage is creating one's own charm. Once you're attractive, people around you won't leave you alone. I want to create that kind of appeal for myself. Me too (laughs)
People don't come by if they look worried and dark. Let's be cheerful, energetic, and have fun. People and men gather when you smile. Gassho ('▽`)

Take care of yourself and be in a good mood

Nice to meet you, Piyopiyo-san, hello.
Thank you for writing about your feelings.
“I want to love myself too,” he wrote at the end. This feeling made me feel like it was shining with very beautiful and cute colors.
Please treat yourself as if you were an important person and someone you love.
May Piyopiyo do what she likes, go to places where her mind is at ease, eat food so that she is in a good mood, drink delicious drinks, and spend her alone time as a happy gift. Please acknowledge Piyopiyo by wrapping her whole self up. This is Piyopiyo-san, who is already working hard enough. Please spend this moment to fill yourself with something you like for yourself and heal, and be smiling. It's fun! I'm happy! It's fun to be with Piyopiyo when you've built up things like that, making you happy even with small things! I'm happy! I think there will always be people who think that.
I don't want to tell you that it's important to smile every day. There are times when people feel depressed or lonely. That kind of self is totally OK too! I think it would be nice if they could kindly accept that there are times like that.
I hope you can spend time with people that won't be difficult even if you're together, enjoy plenty of time alone, and spend a peaceful time.
Piyo Piyo likes herself! I'm praying that the number of moments that make you think will increase.
If something happens again, feel free to write it down.

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