The words and actions of a husband whose heart rests his late wife are painful

I remarried a man I met on the app about 2 years ago. I have a history of divorce, and my husband is remarried after losing his wife to cancer. My husband's life seems to be centered around a Buddhist altar and tomb where one of his deceased wives entered, and I am tormented by a sense of helplessness because I can't feel my role as a wife. It seems that the day before his late wife passed away, she asked “is it OK if I remarry?” and she said, “That's fine. It seems that they put their hands together, saying, “Please be happy.” I got to know me a year and a half after my late wife passed away, and I was naturalized after finishing my 3rd death. My husband repeatedly told me, “My wife brought me and Bibi together,” and said that if there were good events in my life, my late wife cured me even when my husband recovered from neuralgia surgery thanks to my late wife. It seems that before remarriage, my husband hired Konmari Method staff to clean up, but when I opened the closet, my late wife's clothes were lined up along with my husband's clothes, and when I opened the husband's desk drawer, there were lots of pictures of the late wife's bride, family photos, and relics, and the pictures of the deceased wife and daughter changed one after another on the Alexa screen placed on the table. I asked them to move my photos and relics to a rental warehouse, etc., and they somehow transferred some of them, but there are still more photos and relics in my husband's room. My husband is also often cooperative with me, and at dinner, my husband talks about his work today, helps me wash dishes, and puts tea in my water bottle and hands it to me every morning before going to work. Also, last year they sold my old car, bought another Prius of the same type as the one my husband is riding, gave me the keys so I could ride, and bought winter tires. Also, my daughter is a college student, and she wants to go on to graduate school, and my husband has signed a contract with my daughter so that I can use it for living expenses attending graduate school even if I retire and remittances decrease, and every year from last year, I will transfer money to my daughter's account within the tax exempt range every year for 4 years. On the other hand, I have a lot of gratitude for my husband; for example, after having sex with my husband in the morning, I immediately wake up and see how they start taking care of Buddhist altars, and I go to graves every week on holidays to polish the stones, and I'm jealous of my late wife no matter what. I always feel like I'm living with 3 people, even when I'm 2 with my husband. When I tell my husband how I feel, I haven't done anything wrong. What's wrong with looking at family photos and taking care of graves. They lent me a book on how to improve thinking so that Mimi would change her way of thinking. No matter how hard I try, won't I be able to become a wife who is the foundation of his heart?

4 Zen Responses

The difference in affection

Reminds me of Yumi Matsutoya's song. It's the one that says “the man always comes first.”
As far as I can read, I feel that your husband is loving you, but that's not what you're looking for.
As a boy, I think “part of that husband is made of her,” and I would like to take care of her as if she were a member of your ancestors, but at least I don't think his behavior will change right away.
So, if I were to answer the question... it would be difficult right now.
However, people's feelings change as the years go by. (As far as I can read) I think it's possible that at least those days will change your mind as you try to fulfill your own responsibility for your child. Also, the fact that they still have night activities even now seems like they're trying to show their love for you.
So I don't think you should give up hope, but I think it's better to put aside what you want right now.

It's difficult

At my temple, too, there is a man who is enthusiastic about holding memorial services for his late wife, and that person also has a new partner.
If I say this as a monk, I have no body or body, but there are times when I get drunk (feel light pleasure) at memorial services for people who have died.
It's like a kind of guessing activity, or a jinx (habit).
For example, flowers on Buddhist altars and graves may not calm down if they are still dead, and if you change the flowers, you may feel refreshed (like you're worried about an unfinished jigsaw puzzle or disturbing bonsai branches).
Therefore, it is not simply that the husband misses his late wife or loves his late wife more than you, but it may be a state where you get drunk (feel pleasure) from the series of acts of caring for your late wife.
Either way, even married couples are different people, so the reality is that your husband's heart doesn't belong to you.
We can't even control our own bodies the way we want, and we hit our feet against furniture.
What's more, someone else's heart.
It's unavoidable that you can't fly the way you want.
Well, on the other hand, if this were a consultation from my husband, I (the monk) would say, “Why don't you consider the feelings of my new wife a little more?” I say it.
If my husband is willing to do that, he can change his own behavior.
Tenacious communication may also be important.

May your husband be close to the person (you) living now.

It's not like I want to blame my husband for his actions, but I don't have any intention of this kind of relationship with my late wife.
Even so, it conveys the feeling that 3 people are living together, and it makes you feel lonely.

I'd like my husband to be a little more considerate. Since you are the wife, I want you to value compassion for your wife, such as reducing what you see and paying attention to what you put into words.

Do you have to try to change your mind? That's confusing, isn't it? I want to focus on the comfort of the two of you without imposing on your husband's way of life and without you holding back.

I think your husband still needs more time, but please don't lock your feelings in and spit it out like this. I also need a place where I can say it.

Let's hope that our husband will shake our hearts for the happiness of the two of us so that he will be close to the person (you) living now.

I'm always watching over you

I read it.
Seeing your husband care about his late wife makes you feel sad, doesn't it? I don't know the details about you, your husband, or everyone, but I feel like I understand how you feel. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
I think it's unavoidable for you to feel that way. That thought may be rippling in your heart.
My husband has my husband's past and is connected to the present. I think that's true for you too. You can't change the past, right?
My wife, who has passed away, has become an ancestor and will always kindly watch over everyone with whom she is related. My husband, everyone, and you are supporting me with Hinata Tokage so that I can live a healthy life.
You and all of you have always been protected by that person and your many ancestors.
I sincerely pray for the Buddha, God, your ancestors, and everyone so that you can live a healthy and sincere life for the future, and that you can sincerely respect each other and live compassionately and happily. We wholeheartedly agree
And one day, when you reach the end of your life, I sincerely pray that the Buddha and God will guide you and that your ancestors and their people will kindly welcome you. Shishin Gassho Nanmu Amida Buddha Namu Amidabutsu

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