It's hard being alive. That's the limit.

Thank you, Mary, for your consultation.

It's not your fault that you're having a hard time living right now. It's not your fault. From past bullying, it has come to evoke fear in interpersonal relationships. This isn't your fault. This is because I couldn't live without asking about other people's complexions and making it a habit to say “because I'll die soon anyway.” So you're not bad. So, you don't have to blame yourself first, and you don't have to think that it's your fault.
Also, the reason I can't get my hands on studying is that others, including my family, are distracted by others.
It's better to be more self-centered. I'm going to write a poem by “Kaneko Misuzu” in order to become self-absorbed. Please refer to it.

“Me, Little Bird, and Bell”
“Even if I open my hands,
You can't fly in the sky at all,
Little birds that can fly are like me
I can't run fast on the ground (jibeta).

Even if I shake my body,
It doesn't make a clean sound,
That ringing bell is like mine
I don't know a lot of songs.

A bell, a bird, and then me
Everyone is different, everyone is good.”

You can just be you.
As you are, that's fine.
Let's do what we can do in a “small step” first, so let's do something.
You should praise yourself with that.
Please refer to it.
One bow

First of all, thank you very much for sharing your pain and heart. I think this is a very courageous act. I'll take a look and state my thoughts. Thank you for your support.

In terms of average life expectancy, both teachers and parents die before you. Nobody takes ultimate responsibility for your life. Frankly speaking, it's irresponsible. On the surface, they may be saying something better for you, but the secret truth is just imposing their egos on them. Your life is yours. No one has the right to infringe on it, and there's no reason to step foot in your life.

In particular, there are probably pains and worries that only you understand. It's a big deal. In Buddhism, it is explained that wanting to erase oneself and wanting to die is an affliction called “unloving.” Once you do your research, you may be able to take a slightly objective position. The point is, it's an emotion that everyone has because of worry.

Since you're a teenager, I think it's quite difficult to change your life as you like, but if you live away from people who try to control your life and take care of yourself, I think you'll start hearing the voice of your own heart. It's natural that I don't know what I want to do or how I want to do it right now. Please don't blame yourself.

When I read your thoughtful sentences, the first thing I felt was a feeling of indignation that I didn't want my life taken by irresponsible people. It's a life nurtured through irreplaceable relationships. I can only hope that you can take it easy and complete your life as the main character.

After reading your consultation, you can clearly see that you are an extremely intelligent person who can objectively grasp the situation you are in and express it in accurate sentences.
My honest feeling is that I want to help those of you who are suffering, and I want to do my best to support you.
The third year of high school is probably the hardest time in my life.
My own memories that I don't want to remember are concentrated at that time.
I don't know what I want to be.
The immediate goal for prospective students is to pass the university, but in your case, you have a conflict where you have to aim for a science department you are not good at, so it's not straightforward.
I don't know the details, but I also sympathize with the situation where I don't have time to be alone.
However, if I had to tell you from a senior in my life, such a difficult period would pass in no time.
If you look at my long life ahead, it's only a moment.
Shakyamuni said the following.
“It is easy for a person who knows no shame, is brazen like a raven, blames others, is bold, and has a bad heart.”
“It is difficult for a person who knows shame, always seeks purity, abandons obsessions, is humble, sees the truth, and lives a clean life.”
If life is so difficult for you that you can't put up with it anymore, feel free to live boldly by exposing your shame to the fullest, being brazen, and blaming everything on others.
The most important thing is your life.
If you want to ask for help, please contact Hasunoha again.

Thank you, Mary, for talking to me during the hardest time. I also understand very well how difficult it is to be bullied when I was in elementary school. I get a lot of graffiti on my toilet, a full tank of mud on my athletic shoes, thumbtacks and gum on my chair... I really don't want to remember.
Why... why do you do that when you haven't done anything? Why is it possible to say die irresponsibly? Even if you talk to your homeroom teacher, they won't be able to resolve it in depth, right?
Mary, I think Mary's heart is probably exhausted right now due to strong external pressure. Mary, you don't have to force yourself to talk to people right now. You can also take a break from school when you don't want to go.
First, why don't you create a safe zone within yourself? I don't care what's around me right now. Right now, just think about things that make you feel comfortable and fun. If it's difficult, take a deep breath first, and is it somehow fun? Try imagining what you think. Mom might also want to share her fears about the earthquake and the future with Mary.
But since Mary's life, Mary's time, belongs only to Mary...
It would be nice if I could be alone and make time to relax while drinking a drink, even just a little bit.
Who decides that only engineering faculties of national and public universities can take entrance exams?
If we talk about money, there are various scholarship systems these days. Just don't say it; everyone's parents use scholarships quite regularly. Even if it's private, it's OK to keep it within the scope!
My parents objected to private school, so I borrowed an entrance fee from my relative's aunt and went to private school. I also paid my own tuition fees. I was able to repay it even after I worked, and I was able to pay it off safely. Everyone does that. Whatever, it will happen!
And now, even if you can't find what you want to do, don't worry, everyone is like that. There are plenty of adults too.
There are many people who want to erase their existence.
That's because Mary's presence is irreplaceable. I don't care what's around me. Live your own life away from the constraints of your parents and your surroundings.
Now is the time when you can't see your surroundings. Once you become a little more mature, there will always come a time when you can look back on that difficult time. It's fine. I don't feel responsible. Take care of yourself. Please do whatever you like. Let's think about something fun and laugh first.
If it changes again, please let me know.

What is so painful
You've been putting up with it all this time.

no place to run, no one to talk to
Keep doing what you're not good at and have no prospects for the future
but I can't die...
That kind of mixed feeling came through very strongly.

Is there really no one close to you that you can talk to?
Is there anything you really want to try?
Because you don't have to hurry
Why don't you think it over again?