The Difference Between Giving Up Your Obsession and Killing Yourself

I just got married this year, and I'm immediately faced with a misunderstanding of values.

My husband is the type who doesn't want to have weddings or receptions because he doesn't like attention being drawn to himself, even if he has enough money. Also, they say they don't want birthdays and anniversaries celebrated for the same reason.
When it came to my birthday when we were dating, I had a strong desire to make him think “she's a good woman” and “cozy,” and I was close to that sense of value.
However, that wasn't the case with the wedding, and I couldn't fully process the feeling of “I really want to do it.” Therefore, we proposed the 1st and 5th meetings. My husband agreed once, but I was worried that even after I paid the advance payment, my husband often muttered things like regrets about having the 1st and 5th meetings.
My husband also discussed it many times and said, “I don't want to do it, but I don't want to be bogged down in the future, so why don't you do it?” There was an answer.
What made me saddest here was not being able to share the joy of marriage on the same vector as my husband.
Eventually, I told them “I don't want to force you to do it even though you don't want to do it,” and decided to cancel the 1st and 5th meetings.

For me, weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries are the joy of being able to “feel in shape” “the feeling that we value each other's existence” and “everyday appreciation.”
Even without a present, I am happy to use letters and words to “confirm my memory and love” such as “I remember you,” “you are special to me,” and “I'm happy to understand you.”
However, that's not the case for my husband.

However, as long as I have feelings of “I want you to understand” and “I want to be rewarded,” starting with these desires, I will continue to have expectations and obsessions with my husband, and I have a feeling that I will tighten my neck myself, so I'm thinking of killing myself within myself. Until now, this is how we have solved our problems with others and our environment. The joy I can feel is diminishing, but my worries are gone, and I think my husband will be able to live together without feeling burdened.
I'm using this as a way to get rid of obsessions, but is there a correct way to discard obsessions from a monk's point of view?
There are times when amateurs think that killing themselves and killing desire = abandoning obsession is empty.

3 Zen Responses

Complex with few friends

If there are few friends, colleagues, or relatives who can be invited even if a reception is held, there is a risk that there will be an imbalance between the groom's side and the bride's side.
Isn't there a possibility that my husband just doesn't like that (he finds out that he doesn't have many friends)?
Also, aren't you afraid that your old friends will meet you and find out about your old days because you committed crimes when you were young?
Maybe there is some reason behind my husband's dislike (trouble and suffering).
I think there are people in the world who have complexes or old wounds that they don't want to be touched (don't want to be caught).
Worries such as greed, anger, laziness, pride, etc. cause worry, suffering, and stress.
Husbands also have their own greed, anger, laziness, and pride, and their obsession with them may have led to the suffering of not wanting to have a wedding.
You have a desire to “do it,” your husband “doesn't want to do” anger or laziness, and you also have something (pride) that you want to protect each other.
Since such people become married couples, it would be nice if they could be in a relationship where they can forgive each other's afflictions (greed, anger, laziness, pride).

You can push through your own opinions

Letting go of an obsession and pushing yourself to death are completely different things.
According to Shakyamuni's teachings, obsession is the cause of all suffering, and peace of mind can be attained by letting go of it.
Meanwhile, Shakyamuni points out the importance of regulating oneself, but he never said that one's own opinions should be bent.
Rather, it is recommended to aim for independence and freedom that is not subordinate to others.
From here on, let's talk about general theory.
Even when two people thought there was no other partner with such similar values before marriage, when they start living together, they repeatedly clash at every end of their lives, and it is not uncommon for them to be forced to revise their way of thinking.
I think the growth of these two is the real thrill of marriage (of course, there are cases where excessive clashes lead to divorce).
As a result, sometimes the husband is right, sometimes the wife is right, and conversely, the husband is wrong, and sometimes the wife is wrong.
Now, as for the question of whether we should celebrate this wedding or birthday, I don't know what kind of painful experiences your husband has had in the past, but your opinion that you want to celebrate is definitely correct.
Wanting to rejoice and bless people's happiness as if it were your own is a natural sense of ethics and a natural human emotion, without bringing up the Buddhist teaching of mercy.
In the future, if the two of you have a child and your parents don't bless you on your birthday, how lonely you will be.
Please be prepared to educate your husband from now on and push through with your opinions.
Your husband, who was reluctant to obey at first, will thank you later.

Thank you for your consultation, Mr. Ocha.

Even if your life up until now has often been about putting up with patience or pushing yourself to death, there have been times when someone gave you compassion and was wrapped in kindness and warmth, right?
When you feel that warmth of heart and turn to yourself, you'll want to celebrate your birthday or anniversary and share that joy with someone.
Is it okay to push it to death as an obsession?
If you keep pushing to death as it is, you won't get angry, and you won't understand your true joy, right? I think it would be good to have a rich life and a life rich in heart, but what do you think?
Furthermore, if a child were born, what if we didn't celebrate the birth or the anniversary of the child's growth and couldn't share the joy?

I think life is always about learning, so I think it is necessary to separate the “joy” that comes from abandoning obsessions and getting rid of desires, and the “joy” that comes from having a heartwarming compassion and sharing a heart of mercy.
For example, if you wanted to celebrate your own birthday, what would you do? What kind of meal or cake would you like to enjoy? And if you were to share that joy with your husband, what would you do?
Even if your husband is unresponsive and unmoved, you did it for yourself, so it's a good idea to praise yourself for sharing compassion and joy with not worrying about it.
Try to be able to feel the warmth and joy of your heart from a different point of view rather than emptiness. Aim for a life where you can sincerely and honestly express “smiles” and “joy.” Please refer to it. One bow

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