About how to deal with a depressed mother

I'm in my 30s living in Kanto. My mother is in her 50s and is in Kansai. My mother underwent lower back surgery 2 years ago, but she became partially disabled due to sequelae, and she also suffered from depression due to shock.
My body seems to be getting a little better now, but my mind is troublesome, and I'm exhausted.
My mother's surgery and my delivery period overlapped, but in the midst of postpartum emptiness, I gave top priority to my mother. When my depression was severe, I received phone calls every day implying suicide, and each time I stayed on the phone for a long time, I flew back to my parents' house. At my parents' house, I boldly encourage my mother, but when I get home, I cry and hit my husband. My husband told me that I should go to psychosomatic medicine, too, but I couldn't go because I didn't know when my mother would call me. My husband sometimes says, “I don't want you to get in touch with my mother.”
Recently, I persuaded my husband, who doesn't like it, and I stayed at my parents' house with my children for 3 weeks. At that time, I was able to take a walk with 3 generations of parents and children who cried a year ago saying “that's impossible.” It was after traveling by train to a place my mother liked.
I finally expected my mom to think “I'm glad I'm alive.” However, it seems that there was no such emotion at all, and what my mother said the next day was something like “I won't go anywhere alone in the future.”
There are times when they are slightly physically disabled, but they seem to be concerned about their old appearance due to being trapped in depression.
I almost went mad.
I had no idea how much my family and I had sacrificed my life for my mother until now, and I guessed that no matter how much support I had, this person would surely continue to think that I was the unhappiest.
I've been refraining from being fashionable so that my mother doesn't say, “You look healthy and happy,” but even though it's thanks to her family that my mother is alive now, I don't know anything.
Asking for something in return is wrong, but when I think about the future, I think that dying quickly will set me free. Actually, that's not the case, but if you make a face that makes you look like you're in hell and seem to resent me, I won't be motivated to do anything.
Even before I became depressed if I thought about it, I left the house because I didn't like my mother's personality that pulls back hair...
It's a family, so I feel like it's natural to support them, but I don't want to be taken for granted by them.
How should I deal with my mother?

4 Zen Responses

Let's connect in various directions so that the accompanying support continues.

Dealing with depression takes time. The reason my mother became depressed was because grief (grief reaction) due to physical disability occurred. Since we have to keep up with this inconvenience and live together from now on, I think it's better to find a good place to go for feelings rather than cure it. Sometimes, the idea of despair and death also occurs, so even if I still have such feelings, my mother must accept it somewhere.

Even if you only support your family, you will be exhausted because they each have their own lives. As relationships (in your life) that suppress something increase, you feel like it's a sacrifice, and the limit is reached.

By all means, please ask your mother to connect to other consultation desks and let them know about Hasunoha. There are also social gatherings and communities. There are also places that accept feelings of wanting to die, such as connections between people involved in depression.
Since it's a family, feelings sometimes collide, and it's easy to get exhausted with family support. Of course, you also have the frustration of not being able to change even though you're worried about your mother.

Let's connect in various directions so that the support that accompanied the mother's problems continues all the time without being impatient rather than seeking recovery.

The first thing to do is take care of yourself

It conveys your deep suffering and devotion to your mother. In the midst of mental and physical instability after delivery, being able to give top priority to support for the mother was an effort that exceeded your own limits. As a result, the current situation where your mind and body are exhausted is by no means your weakness, but a natural result of trying too hard until now. First, try accepting your own feelings of “I'm having a hard time” and “I'm tired.” That's not a bad thing at all, and it might ease the feeling of blaming yourself a little bit.

I can also understand the feeling of worrying about how to treat your mother. Depression is also very troublesome for those dealing with it, and feeling like your devotion and actions have been denied rather than returned doubles your mental fatigue. It's natural to feel “I can't do it anymore.” The important thing is that you don't have to shoulder everything, and even if you are a parent and child, you can't completely take on someone's suffering. Your mother's life is your mother's, and your life is yours. You've already played more than enough of a role. Now let's figure out how to protect ourselves a little bit.

Also, listen to your husband's advice for a moment. Consulting with a specialized institution such as psychosomatic medicine is preparation for regaining your own strength to face your mother. It's difficult to support your mother in the long term if you're not healthy as you take walks together and make an effort to entertain her. Think of this as never abandoning your mother, but as an important step for your own well-being.

Also, maintaining proper distance is important. Talking to someone you trust and sharing situations without trying to solve everything alone is one way to support them. If you feel guilty, think, “If I get tired, I won't be able to support my mother.” Also, allow yourself to value your life and time with your family. In the long run, it will help you face your mother in a healthy way.

Lastly, don't blame yourself. What you've done this far is more than enough effort, and you don't have to lose anything. The troubled days may continue in the future, but I pray that my heart will become even a little lighter and that I can have a reasonable distance and peace of mind in my relationship with my mother. You've already tried hard enough.

Let's leave the mother to many supporters

I read it.
You've sacrificed yourself to the maximum to support your mother until now, haven't you? I have a feeling that your feelings have already reached their limit. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.

Maybe your mother is doing her best by just taking care of herself, so maybe she doesn't understand at all how much you've done for her. I think it's possible for you to get so angry when you hear your mother's attitude and behavior.

You've worked so hard for your mother until now. So I think that's enough. What you should prioritize is the growth of yourself and your children, and building a family with your husband.
Your mind and body also have limits, so first of all, you'll be taking good care of yourself and being supported by many people along with your husband, and raising your children every day.

So let's leave the mother's care to counselors and supporters at the regional comprehensive support center or social welfare council where the mother lives. It is desirable for the mother to live while being supported by such supporters. I think you should get in touch with those people.

Let's ask specialists, counselors, and social workers to respond to your mother's illness while listening to them. That's because it is necessary to treat the specific state of the mother's illness based on a specialist's diagnosis.

I sincerely pray that your mother can live peacefully every day with the support and care of many people, that you and everyone can help each other raise healthy children, and that you will be able to care for and help each other in your relationships with many people, share your happiness from the bottom of your heart, and survive.

And I wholeheartedly support you. We wholeheartedly agree

Please let us know your thoughts again, and we look forward to hearing from the bottom of our hearts.

Please take good care of yourself.

Mr. Milton, I saw your consultation.
I sincerely apologize.
I think I've always been involved with my mother with love from my childhood until now. It's great even though you're young. Milton's kindness seems to have exhausted me. It's hard to escape that kindness that makes you feel like your parents are your own responsibility. The mother also wanted Milton to be kind to her, so she hinted at suicide, wanted her partner, said painful things, and maybe even returned to being a child. It may sound cruel, but once you get into that loop, your mom won't be able to see her partner.
In such a case, I think the only way to do that is to keep a distance. One method might be to keep a distance for a while, not get in touch, and wait until it stabilizes.
If you calm down, the number of phone calls will decrease, and if you don't help, there is a possibility that your mother will think for herself. That “feeling” of an unhappy woman cannot be changed. If my daughter is the one to blame, it's even worse. However, it is no use erasing the care that Milton has done up until now. Why don't you just accept that within yourself, and in the future, you won't be sacrificed to the point where you are exhausted, but move on with your own life so that you can enjoy it first?
If I could have even a little bit of leeway, my judgment when dealing with my mother would be slightly different.
Also, if you've served your mother up to this point, I think it's natural to feel like asking for something in return. Please don't deny that.
Be sure to be aware that what Milton has done in the past is correct and okay, but from now on, please keep a little distance and enjoy your own life.
When I say I can't do that, I don't think it's my mother's fault.
Throw away that feeling of not being motivated to do anything and try to do whatever you like first. (It's tough... but try your best!)
I separate my own thoughts from those that come from a burden from my mother. If that happens, an opportunity for a solution will also arrive. It seems like a strong phrase, but be sure to separate from your mother, think about your own happiness, stabilize Milton's mind, and set a new period! Get involved with your mother. I'm praying for a life that Milton can enjoy from the bottom of her heart and a stable mind that will ease her mother's depression even a little 🙏

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