An examinee who has a habit of saying “I want to die.”

　Good evening. You couldn't even forgive yourself for saying “it's painful,” and the length of time you drove yourself to just have to work as hard as before oozed into your sentences.
First of all, what you've written up to this point is itself a courageous act. I want to respond to that.
Your condition is not a weakness of character or lack of effort. The wounds of bullying when I was young have not healed for a long time, and obligations and expectations have piled up from above, and I am in a state where there is almost no room left in my heart. Not being able to concentrate, not being able to eat, not being able to get rid of fatigue, hardening in public... this is a sign that your mental energy has been cut to the limit.

And you've always lived according to your “other person's world.” Because teachers get angry, parents expect it, and people around you say do your best. As a result, I think there is almost no “own world” left.

So, the first step is pretty simple.
Take back your world once again.

However, it doesn't mean “go for it.” I think what you need is not “effort,” but “safety zone.”
For instance.
There are days when I can't speak in public. There are days when you can't eat. There are days when my studies don't progress. These aren't proof that you're about to break; they're proof that you've worked hard not to break.
But now... it's your turn to rely on someone. In terms of Buddhism, it means “arranging relationships.” School infirmary, school counselor, psychosomatic medicine. It doesn't matter where you are. “It's painful, so I want you to listen to my story.” Please appeal it. Unfortunately, we do our best to “return words” here at hasunoha. I can't stay with you at the scene.

And finally, I'll tell you this clearly.
The reason I think “I want to die” is because I tried to live. If you don't want to cause trouble to anyone, you're definitely not a “person you should not be.” You are a very honest person who has lived through the world despite suffering.
Please know that it's okay to drop off your luggage. I sincerely hope you reach a place where you can breathe safely.

(if necessary)
・24-hour child SOS dial (Ministry of Education) 0120-0-78310
・Yorusoi Hotline 0120-279-338

That is, living is getting tiring, isn't it? The adults around you didn't notice your SOS, they were desperate to make them study, and they just screamed. They only look at your grades, and they keep blaming you for not working hard enough.

even though I've worked so hard. I always cry because it's painful... I'm frustrated, pathetic, I'm stuck in anything, no one can understand me, no one understands me, no matter how hard I try, I don't get recognition, and it's so painful, it makes me want to end this world I'm living in.

Hard work and hours of study are just what parents and people around you want... the real you, I want you to see me more carefully and listen to my voice. I'd like to walk around according to myself. But this environment, the reality of nothing, makes me want to die. it's painful, isn't it?

I've only seen my mother's excessive interference get me to go to the university of my choice. Study, study... this is “educational abuse.” The bullying I've received up until now is also “violence.”
You need help.

・Child Counseling Center Abuse Response Dial “189 (Ichihayaku)” Nationwide 24-hour holiday support
・Childline Support Center (free until 18 years old 0120-99-7777)
・Afterline (24 hours a day)
・Phone call for life
・Ippo Line
・Public Health Center Welfare Division
・Regional youth support stations
・Suicide prevention consultation is on line (available 24 hours a day)
・Child Counseling Center SNS Counseling Free Dial
・Prefectural Office of Education (Education Hotline)
・Prefectural Police Headquarters Juvenile Counseling
・Youth General Consultation Portal Site

That's because there are plenty of consultation desks. I want you to be properly loved in a safe and secure environment.

Throwing it away isn't in the direction of life.
The only rules you should throw away are the rules of someone within you who is hurting you.
('･ω･) I'll try not to be in someone else's rules anymore, I am.
they said it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's nice that everyone is unique.
Please speak to your true heart.
Ka-chan is from Ka-chan's generation.
The teacher is the type of person with little information skills who can't understand my feelings.
The person who stole money from you is a thief.
The person who locked you up was in a dangerous state of mind.
The person who abused and bullied you was someone who didn't know the feelings or pain of someone who wanted to gain an advantage by bullying you because they didn't want to be bullied, and fell into weak, poor humanity.
School tests are just “just” testing how much benkyo can be done at schools and schools decided by the Ministry of Education. It's not a test of humanity or other talents. However, people with poor information who don't know that kind of thing are poor people who decide that getting points on the test is a bad thing, that a low score on the test is a bad thing, that's a bad thing, and they can't get rid of their assumptions. Will people who can study a lot become like Seijin Kimiko, Hoke, Bosatsu, Kannon, and Amida? I wonder what people who can only study and have a really bad personality are studying. I also want people who have done terrible things to you to study harder. How to change that bad personality, and weak mentality and twisted humanity where you can't maintain your own spirit unless you bully or say bad things about people. How to improve your personality. It's something you want them to study, right?
What you should really study in life is how to make your mind softer, brighter, brighter, and calmer, and an eye for discerning the true nature of people you don't know. Information for understanding humans. This is what Buddhism is for.
First of all, it's been tiring up until now. ('-`)
There are many kinds of flowers, vegetables, and animals, and they are all different. Parents also have different father genes and mother genes. Since they have also come from Grandpa Mabaachama, everyone is a free and independent living entity, even in their own family.
you are you. There is no problem feeling excited at your own pace. Let's break free from the “rules someone has instilled” where you have to do this within yourself, and if you don't do this, you have to do this ✨ Little by little is fine.

Thank you for your question.
You don't have a room at home where you can calm down and study alone, right?
Then it would be difficult to study at home.
Teachers should provide a place where they can study rather than teach psychiatry, right?
Your parents should also move to a residence where they can secure a room where you can study calmly.
But it's already November, isn't it? From now on, I wonder if my main study will be reviewing my classes up until now and asking past questions at the entrance exam school.
You want a place to study outside of your home, right?
Maybe there are places that offer rooms where you can study at a nearby temple, so I think it's a good idea to ask about a few with half your expectations.
College isn't a goal in life; it's just a passing point.
What kind of work do you want to do beyond that?
Let's choose a career path suitable for that job.
If you're not good at science, I think the humanities are fine too. If I were to work for a company, the Faculty of Economics or the Faculty of Law would be good. There may be more faculties these days. Please look it up on the internet. I think the reason my parents want an engineering school is because they assume it's easy to get a job, so I should say back that there are many places of employment even in the humanities.
Please burn the feeling of “I want to die” with anger such as “I'll look back” and “I'll leave home, go on to college or get a job, become independent, and live as I like.”
I will continue to support Hasunoha.