How should I spend the last days of my father's terminal cancer

My father continued to fight cancer, but finally, the other day, I was told by the hospital that there were no more effective anticancer drugs and the future would be short.
I'm worried about how I spend time with my father.

I think he raised me with a lot of love, and I love my father. However, he feels like an old fashioned stubborn father, and even though he lives nearby, he talks two or three words and walks into his room even when he shows up. It's not that they're on bad terms; they've always been people with that sense of distance.

I want to talk about a lot of things, but I ended up just exchanging two or three words of unkindness as usual, and I think my regrets will remain at this rate.

When we express our gratitude or suddenly talk deeply, we both seem to somehow think “maybe because it's the end of life,” and we don't feel comfortable with that either. I don't want that kind of atmosphere.

Should I spend time as usual with my father, whose end is in sight, and should I properly express my gratitude?
I think it's good to think and act on your own at a good age, but since a month has passed without an answer by any means, I had a consultation.

I faintly understand that it was because of my immature mind that I couldn't accept the death of my parents and didn't want to see reality.
What should I do?

4 Zen Responses

Thank you for your question.
I'm sure Dad would be happy just to come see him.
However, considering that the bereaved families, who had not even been able to meet at the hospital during the COVID-19 pandemic, regretted not being able to say their last goodbye, it might be better to say everything you want to say when you can.
Don't forget about everyday conversations, feelings of gratitude, and words of hope that I'll see you again.
Trust that even if you pass away, you'll be able to meet in the Pure Land (heaven is fine).

I think the presence of a family will help, and your words will support you.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a sense of distance from your father?
Even so, my dad is here now. But that time is limited.

Don't you want to be around even when there's no conversation? Feel your father's appearance, face, and voice clearly.
Tell your father directly about your feelings, too. One day, you won't even be able to tell them directly. Even if you regret it, you won't be able to do anything.

Just the way you feel. If looking at your father's face makes you burst into tears, wouldn't it be a good idea to share those feelings too? Isn't it okay to cry, “I want to talk about a lot of things, but I can't really communicate it well, but I'm so lonely and sad that I can't accept my dad being gone.” Let's tell them honestly. At a time like this, is it OK if we don't say our true intentions and don't understand each other?

If it's difficult, you can write a letter.
This is how they got along and became parents and children. They are people who have always been with me since I was born. How much would it take to lose that person? I think such complicated and unspeakable feelings can be delivered just by being close to them.

How scary is it even for dads to die. I think it would be a pity to think about the family they had to break up with and leave behind.

Dad's life. I want you to survive until the end of your life. That's why I think the presence of a family will help, and your words will support you.

Please take good care of yourself together.

Let's hit who you are now

Thank you for your question.

I worked as a physical therapist in a hospice ward.
I've faced many people.

I'll tell you about it based on that experience.

Wouldn't it be best to focus on who you are now?

Time is limited.
Wouldn't it be a good idea to just focus on what you're worried about?

I'll try to hit it off now.

There's no right answer to how to get involved.

I'm going to spend my last time with my father.
I'm worried about this. I'm thinking about this.
Wouldn't it be a good time for any kind of small talk?

Please take good care of the present.

Gassho

Suzuran-sama

I've already thanked the monk, but I'm sorry for the delay in answering.
Please don't think it's boring.

My favorite father has terminal cancer, so it seems like palliative care was decided. That's probably the case with the person himself, but I think everyone in the family who supports them will also continue to struggle.
Please be careful not to overdo it.

The monks who answered have already given a lot of advice, so I'll tell you in a nutshell,
“There is always hope”
“Live to the fullest”
I want both your father and you to keep that in mind.
Even if there are few opportunities to have a conversation with your father, please treat it with your own consciousness about what your father's wishes until the end of his life.
And if that hope shines brightly, wonder what kind of time it is.
Also, I don't know what the father himself thinks about “living through life”
If you're lamenting, if you seem to have regrets, or if you feel like you've given up,
It's not about encouraging them; when you're nearby, just stay there softly and watch over them with a warm, gentle look.
However, in your consciousness, think that your father is helping you “live through life.”
It's my favorite novel
Please refer to the section “Lion's Snack” by Ito Ogawa.
“It's about getting through day by day. Don't throw it around just because life is over anyway; enjoy your life until the end. What I imagined was... (omitted)... my goal now was to live properly until the end, like that chocolate corone tightly filled with cream from end to end.”
Please have this kind of awareness and help your father “live to the fullest.” Please refer to it. One bow

PS: Thank you so much for your quick thank you message. Various thoughts may intersect, but there is always hope at any time, so please think that you will live to the fullest, and treat them. I'm sorry to say this again. Please don't hesitate to talk about your feelings again. Regret

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