Relationship with parents

It's your life, so you don't need anyone's permission. Whether you're your lover or parent, don't decide your life. Your life is what you walk.

People around you are on your side, are collaborators, and walk with you, but no one can change your life.

In other words, you decide your own life and take responsibility for yourself.

Certainly, your parents will think of you more than anyone else. They are also living before you. But there are no right answers or mistakes in your parents' lives, and you can't see your future.

You're already an adult. My way of life is the way I want to move forward. You don't have to understand. Everyone around them is like that too. So that you can enjoy fumbling without fear. Because you also have a lover. There are people who can walk with you, so it's reassuring.

You can decide the distance between you and your parents. Just don't be swayed by your parents' opinions. Make your own decisions about yourself.

As for parents, once their children become independent, they must separate themselves and live as husband and wife. Regardless of children, let them have a parent's life, parents' fun, and a parent's community. That's because that's the way parents will live from now on. Don't worry, you value your time.

Nice to meet you. It's called the monk's hearing method.
As a monk, I have deep respect for your steps in heart. Overcoming the hardships of childhood and being forgiven by your mother is not something you can reach with ordinary effort. It's proof that you yourself have released the shackles of your past and taken a step forward in search of freedom.

As for the sense of distance in the future, Buddhism has a teaching called the “middle way (middle path).” This is the wisdom of choosing the most harmonious path for oneself without being extremely biased.

① “Forgiving” and “getting back to normal” are different things. There is no need to force them to play a “parent and child on good terms” just because they have accepted an apology and abandoned their grudge. Forgiveness is about separating the other person's mistakes from your heart, not risking getting hurt again.

② Direct your heart of “mercy” to yourself. Right now, please prioritize caring for yourself first over compassion for your parents. If meeting makes your heart sink, it's a sign that the Buddha is telling you to “keep your distance.”

“Comfortable estrangement,” to the extent of occasionally reporting recent developments while maintaining physical distance, is also a form of filial piety. The distance where you can keep your mind at peace is the correct answer right now. Specifically, I think it's fine as it is now (about going home once every 2.3 months).

You don't need to talk to your parents or get permission to start living together. That's because it's just another adult. (Unless you have strong desires, I think there is a high possibility that opinions will conflict)

I don't know the cause of “abuse” by parents, but in many cases, it can be seen that the “perpetrator of abuse” was a “victim of abuse” in the past. In the future, I want them to grow up healthy when they get married and have children. To that end, it is important for you to take care of yourself and be able to relax in your mind. This will help you be kind to your family. Let's create a good cycle like that.

worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo Law

　Hello. “What should I do about the sense of distance?” I'm asking. However, when it comes to my vocabulary, what is that, like “don't stick, never leave”? There are only things that could become. Or “I don't care at all” as a contrarian. I feel like this makes me anxious again.
So how about changing your point of view and saying “I don't care about some failure” policy? I think they've probably accepted your mother's “I don't want you to fail,” so why don't you relax that a little bit.
However, it seems better to keep “what failure is and what it means” in shape. For example, is “failure is something that doesn't go the way you want” appropriate? Your mother was probably obsessed with you based on the principle “I have to do this the way I want it.”

So that's it. Why don't you try various things with your own judgment, and then accumulate “this went well” and “this was an unsuccessful discovery (by Edison)” about the results after that.
What or what kind of attitude is best for the two of you is currently undecided. The accumulation of actions and responses of the two people in the future will gradually show the optimal point. It is said that they have apologized this time, but will that completely change the situation? There is also no guarantee. I think watching parents and children take time to walk together.

I read it.
I read about your relationship with your parents and your current situation. It really conveys that you are worried about your relationship with your parents and your sense of distance. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
I see... if you grow up like that until now, you're worried about what to do... It's not easy to understand what your parents' thoughts and attitude towards you are right now, but it is possible that they will interfere too much and you will be given opinions or orders this and that.
Now that you're an adult, you'll be able to choose your own way of life and path of life, and you'll be able to date and marry someone you like.
Therefore, I don't think it's necessary to ask for permission from parents to unnecessarily explain, report, or get permission.
I don't think you have to get permission from your parents even if you don't have a relationship and live together. It may be a good idea to ask for your opinions for reference without talking, but please take care of your own intentions and feelings.
I sincerely pray that you will be able to discuss and respect your future with your loved ones, and that you can live a rich and fulfilling life with many people, so that you can live a happy life with everyone.
And I wholeheartedly support you.

　Ai-san, I think the fact that your parents reflected on your child-rearing and apologized is an amazing achievement. First of all, I think it was good that I was able to leave my parents. Please don't worry too seriously and take care of yourself.
I think it's quite difficult to keep a sense of distance from my parents. I think it's very difficult to have a blood relationship with your closest other person. As a matter of fact, I don't think that's the case when it comes to whether others are doing well. I have a feeling that I don't really understand either.
It may seem like everyone around you is going well with the parent-child relationship, but in fact, that's often not the case, so I think there are many cases where I don't solve anything for myself by referring to other people.
I think I like relationships at work. How about this kind of form where you do reports, contacts, and consultations that are not close, but are made up of a relationship of trust, and only report to each other things that have something to do with parents who don't talk about your private life?
When it comes to parent-child relationships, they only pursue such ideals of having to be close, being good friends, and having to eat meals together. I don't understand the fact that I think a parent-child relationship won't work without doing that.
There is a slight sense of incongruity about being placed on an unclear definition of everything being like a family and being able to talk about it as if it really is a symbol of peace. I'm worried about this because it makes you think that this kind of parent-child relationship is absolutely necessary. I think that is also the case. Parents and children are not only made up of blood ties. A parent-child relationship can only be built because they have walked together for a long time, but after all, it's someone else at the end. They talk about themselves, but I don't want them to say “yes” or “no.” Just listen to my story as a senior in life, I don't think it matters if it's a horse or nembutsu; I think I should finish all the responses with “hmm.”
That's all for me. Do you want to listen to me? Aren't you listening? It's up to you.

It would be nice if you could build up a good sense of distance.

What is that hint
It's you, not anyone else.

It wouldn't be good if you feel uncomfortable.
Let's make a decision by feeling comfortable.

If you don't need to report it, isn't it okay if you don't?

There is no right answer.

Gassho