How to relieve desperation

Thank you for your help, Hasunoha helped me a lot this year, and I am sincerely grateful.

I posted it because I wanted to receive hints on how to relax my heart that is too desperate.

I entered graduate school in my mid-thirties, and from there until now (part-time university lecturer), I have been working very hard. Until then, no job lasted long, I wasn't able to do my best, and I was unemployed for a long time, but I thought that if it was research in a field I was interested in, I would be able to participate in society, so I entered graduate school feeling like I had cut my way out. It was a very useful time, but there was always a feeling in my head that I was driven by obsessive thoughts that “I couldn't work properly as a member of society, that I was far behind everyone else, that if I even gave up studying here, I had no choice but to become a decent person.”

Currently, I've managed to become a part-time lecturer at a university, and I think I've made progress that I can't even imagine from my old self in terms of doing work that makes use of my interests. However, my income was insufficient, and when I looked at myself as a researcher and teacher, I realized that I was quite inferior to other teachers and immature in terms of my university graduation, expertise, and skills. So, again, that “I'm still inferior in many ways. The feeling that “I must become a decent person” came up, and my daily work and research became “desperate” as if life or death were at stake, and the energy in my heart and mind was exhausted quite a bit.

As for the research field, my love for the research field has not changed, and I want to continue to work hard in this industry, but what should I do to work with a feeling of fun and ease as much as possible, rather than a desperate feeling like “if I can't do it here, it's already over”?

I would be happy if you could lend me some Buddhist wisdom 🙇

4 Zen Responses

desperation and effort seem to be different things

People are more focused on their interests, and the larger their target, the more they misunderstand that their relationship with that object is everything in their lives. Assuming that “if I don't pass this test, my life is over” or “if I don't complete this document by the due date, I'm already out” can happen to anyone at any time. However, if you don't currently get a passing grade and don't meet the due date, you won't suddenly lose your life there, and your daily life will continue.
Also, after all, the size of the target is due to the person's perception, and it has nothing to do with the actual situation. It's also possible that what you thought was a whale is actually a Japanese rice fish. No matter what kind of target you are, whatever your level of interest, you may be able to avoid misunderstandings if you can correctly observe that your relationship with it is only one part (part) of your life after all.
Desperation is a mentality that “if you can't do that, you will always die,” and conversely, it seems like a mentality that actually doesn't have much to do with devising and implementing ideas toward a goal. If that assumption is slightly fuzzy, normal judgment may be mixed and action may be stopped.
I've asked surgeons who have been involved in emergency care for a long time, and it seems that when dealing with patients in severe conditions, they often perform treatment while singing “Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse” in their hearts. It seems that the great swordsman Miyamoto Musashi taught his apprentices, “Laugh at the worst.” It's probably a fantasy not to get carried away by desperate assumptions in any of them.

It goes without saying that effort is necessary to accomplish something, but that seems to be different from desperation. Desperate assumptions may lead to endless delusions that “my efforts may still not be enough.”
Bando Tamasaburo, a kabuki actor who became a living national treasure, said, “Hard work is absolutely necessary. However, in order to continue our efforts, we must first protect life and health.”
You may already know this, but a short video of Tamasaburo Bando has been uploaded to YouTube, so please take a look.
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https://www.youtube.com/shorts/GPc4DsVkLr4

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/7SGVt018yYo

Don't think of them as inferior, don't be impatient if they are piled up one by one.

Isn't there a reason why work didn't continue? The relationships and work environment were complicated, and they were probably stressed. Isn't it because such a work environment continued?
However, in my current job, I think my research, guidance, and your own pace are also important.

Everyone has their own pace. I think it's good to be aware of other teachers and use them as a stimulus, but there's no point in thinking that they are inferior. That's because there is a rise above.

I feel that I still have a long way to go, so I strive to do my best without neglecting my studies. That's a very positive thing.
However, when this ends, there is nothing in life, and what you gain from “learning” grows. Isn't it a steady accumulation?

I also entered my current environment, and I was over 30 when I got the qualification. Twenty years have passed since then, and there is still so much to learn.

They don't think they're inferior; they say it's an accumulation of things one by one. Why don't you walk without being impatient?

I will support you from the bottom of my heart

I read it.
I read it and it really conveys how desperate you are. I don't know the details of your situation, but I really understand your painful feelings.
I don't know what state you are in right now, but I think you've worked hard until now. Your current position may not be good enough for you, but I think you'll probably be able to continue growing.
Please don't be in a hurry and live your life well from now on. I think there are many things that you will not do in the future, such as research, presentations, lectures, etc. Please do your best by looking firmly into the future over the long term without fear.

I sincerely pray that you will learn and grow from the bottom of your heart and soul, that you will walk the path you aspire to at your own pace, and that you will live a rich and fulfilling life with many people. And I wholeheartedly support you.

The answer to How to Relieve Desperation

hmm. This is a difficult question, but if you have obtained a master's degree, you probably know the topics you are interested in. If you continue to do further research on that subject, it will lead to obtaining a doctorate degree. If it's research on a subject you're interested in, your research will deepen even if you don't make a desperate effort. Please focus on your interests and further survey the research so far in related fields. There are researchers all over the world who are researching the same subject, so let's get in touch with them and carry out the latest research.
According to Buddhist theory, it is difficult to answer this question, but when your research is useful to people other than you, you will heal yourself.
Let's continue to enjoy our research. Wouldn't that be a way to avoid becoming desperate?

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