I can't repent no matter what

I also read the questions up until now.
It means that a sense of repentance doesn't happen, and they open up again and hate it.

Isn't that because you've been feeling sorry and hurt again?

While reflecting on past acts, it was an act because there were events leading up to that act. I'm sure there was your best resistance, too. Please take care of your own broken heart rather than just omitting the act without that part being resolved.

I hope we can learn about our future steps by conveying and explaining things we couldn't do anything about and feelings we couldn't control in words, and wonder if we could understand each other properly...

If you imagine someone else's point of view through a story, such as reading a novel, there is a possibility that you will feel ashamed of your own sins and foolishness.
Also, if you imagine other people's failure examples through the story, there is a possibility that your own crime or foolishness will be frightening if there is a risk that your own anguish (greed, anger, laziness, pride) or recklessness will cause great damage or suffering to yourself and others.
If you feel ashamed or frightened of your distress or ignorance, it will lead to repentance.
To that end, reading, watching and listening to stories may help.
In addition to stories, it may also be useful to learn about the suffering of others through newspapers, news, and SNS.
Please read and take a look at other people's consultations on this hasunoha as well.
For example, by looking at articles about people suffering from bullying, you may be able to imagine the pain caused by bullying more concretely.
Yesterday, I listened to Minato Kanae's work “Hyosei” on audible (listening and reading).
It is a story (fiction) in which a fictional second generation of followers of an emerging religion murders people involved in the religious group, and many unimaginable events in our daily lives are depicted in the episodes of the main character and characters leading up to that point.
Because it's fiction, you can draw various backgrounds for each character, so you can imagine several kinds of crimes and mistakes.
Please read or listen to “Hyosei.”
Namu Amidabu Namu Amidabu

In other words, human sea lions can't do it because it's nothing but myself.
I put makeup on people, did bad things, but since I put myself first, I don't think it's bad either.
For example, if you investigate unavoidable activities created by the mentality of wanting to become a victim, you can see the mentality of human escape themselves. That's why I like my safe zone.
It's the mentality of shifting responsibility and the mentality of not facing one's own sins. The mentality of putting oneself first makes me do that. There will be countries that are doing it at the national level. I fell into a mentality where I couldn't take it back anymore. Therefore, neither the country itself nor its citizens grow, and it becomes a nuisance nation. Even though a single ruler who is in love with oneself is the worst, the whole country has that kind of temperament. It must be a horrible mentality. egoism. That's why Buddhism is also in an anti-egoistic position. When you fall in love with yourself, the only destination you end up with is to aim for someone in power who is cunning and stingy. When ego is the foundation, humans are somewhat poor.

The reason why every human being has a mentality where they are not happy, unsatisfied, lacking in desire for approval, and unable to love themselves is because they love themselves and put themselves first.
That kind of mentality was also called the Gakkai in the old days.
Humans are living creatures, so our ancestors saw through that they wouldn't be that different from animals without education.
Hoke, the wise, and those who look deeply at themselves have an eye for seeing through that helpless human ego.
Buddhist practitioners are people who want to do something about the helpless mentality of humans called the ego, and have completely shied away from their own loving monk mentality.
People who are cute don't feel grateful. A person who only complains, complains, and complains because they have no appreciation. That's because I can't do anything but myself.
Up to this point, it seems that people who are self-defensive in a bad sense think “it's about people” and “oh, so that guy” when they read this. That is the mentality of escape.
That is self-preservation, the mentality of loving oneself, and not being able to take care of oneself. The real culprit. 💀
With protectors, armor, and barriers that put oneself first, the feeling of mentally improving oneself does not occur because one is only afraid of losing oneself, being grasped by oneself, or losing.
Also known as the Rokudō.
That's why it's painful because both the Heavenly Realm and the Gakki Realm have a self-improvement mentality where there is no self-improvement spirit.
You can repent only once you have devotion to the Bodhisattva path by breaking away from it and trying to improve your mind.

Thank you for your consultation. While feeling fear of past mistakes and hell, I feel that the suffering and contradiction of inevitably becoming stubborn is proof that you are looking deeply at yourself.

According to the teachings of the Jodo Shinshu sect, a “heart of repentance” is not something created by one's own efforts. Shinran Shonin described the reality of us humans as “malignancy, and the mind is like a snake scorpion, and Shuzen becomes miscellaneous poison” (Shozo Suewa Kazuo). While fearing revenge for their sins, they open up to their cuteness and hate others. That unsalvable appearance is the true identity of the “troubled ordinary man (bonbu)” we have.

What you should do now is not try to forcibly create an auspicious heart. It's about acknowledging the fact (machine) that “I can't even face my sins, and going to hell is a matter of course.” Amida Nyorai's original wish was not made for those with a pure heart, but for people like you who are suffering without even being able to repent right now.

Please abandon plans to erase sins and change your mind with your own power, and leave it to Amida while still harboring that helpless anguish. When “I was unable to repent,” it is the first step towards true repentance (shame) in Shinshu. Even if you make an effort to ostensibly pretend to be “repentance,” it is nothing but “miscellaneous work.”

worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo