I want to take care of my feelings for the rest of my life

I've discussed it before. The couple had broken up, and they were dating someone in the same situation that they met on a matching app, but his wife took their child out (the affair was not revealed) and he is currently in divorce mediation. The relationship changed and I was worried. Once the divorce is finalized, it is good for him to find a new partner with whom he can have a romantic relationship, not an affair, and he thought about parting ways thinking that he would like that too, but now he can't think of such a thing. Trouble I also conveyed my intention to get divorced when my children become adults, and our relationship continues. Originally, he is busy with work, and he is in a situation where he cannot afford due to overlapping mediations and parents' hospitalization. There are also changes in relationships, and I feel that the proportion of romance has tilted, and I feel that I have become a heavy person. Meanwhile, while I was struggling with my decision to divorce, I wanted to show my sincerity to him, so I maintained an even more stubborn attitude in marital relationships, wanted to protect the relationship, deepened my loneliness from circumstances where I couldn't talk to people, and I think I became more dependent on him.
The other day I was dissatisfied with e-mails, I took the attitude that was taken aback when we met. He made a desperate excuse, and the email of the day also sent me a friendly email saying that he wanted his dissatisfaction to be conveyed in words, and that he wanted to have a proper discussion. However, 2 days later, I was suddenly told, “I want to take an email break because I'm tired, and I don't have time next week, so please cancel the meeting.” It was my first email like this, and I was shocked that they had put up with it, but I told him my apology for exhausting me, that I respected him and refrained from contacting him myself, and that he should contact me when he calmed down. While I don't know when I'll be contacted, I'm seriously thinking about what I want to do in the future. I want to look back on my life, think about my responsibilities as a parent, and the happiness of my children, but when I think about the rest of my life, I want to spend a peaceful old age feeling a small amount of everyday happiness with someone I can let go through with. That is my biggest feeling. If he chooses to break up, he will accept it, return to his mother cleanly, and think about a mature divorce or remarriage after the children have left the nest, but I think they will have already passed their 60th birthday by that time, and there is nothing but anxiety about whether he will find a new partner. But I experienced an affair, and I realized firsthand the horror of an affair. I think I've changed, and I'm worried about whether I'll be able to return to normal, but I don't want to experience the same suffering twice, and I still feel that there is an order for things. Please give me some advice, insult, and objective opinions.

4 Zen Responses

Order (rules) help with judgment

As you said, there are orders and rules (restrictions) for things.
The commandments established by the Buddha also have over 200 items when it comes to commandments for monks.
The detailed rules are cramped and strict, but in the case of a manual or instruction manual, it can also be said that it is kinder if they are written in detail.
In the Five Commandments (for lay believers) that the Buddha preached, it is better not to commit infidelity and lies.
Therefore, when you are at a loss in judgment, you should make a decision to avoid infidelity or lies, in other words, rules help you make decisions.
Also, we can't even control our own mind and body the way we want. (hitting your foot against furniture, spilling coins out of your hands, etc.)
What's more, even married couples and lovers are different people, so if someone else's mind and body don't move the way they want and it's normal, there's a part where you have no choice but to give up.
So, if you're at a loss in your judgment, why not be aware of a simple thought circuit (getting out of the maze of delusional distractions quickly) by using observing rules such as morals and laws as a standard, and being aware of making it clear that others cannot control them the way you want.
Life is still at a turning point.
I'm sure there are more good things ahead.

What protects you

What comes through from your sentences is not “someone who wants to lean on,” but the suffering of people who are sincerely trying to relive their lives.

In conclusion, I felt that now is not the time to decide “what will happen with him.”
The reason is simple: there is currently no room for him or you to nurture a healthy relationship.

Divorce mediation, work, and parents' hospitalization overlap, and he is in a state close to the limit both mentally and physically.
An “email break” isn't a farewell declaration, and it's probably an SOS that you can't take any longer.
Meanwhile, you have left your loneliness, preparedness, and anxiety all at once to him, and you also feel that it is “getting heavy.” This is a very important form of self-awareness.

The most dangerous thing right now
Isn't it about trying to make decisions about one's own life based on his actions?
Hope when contacted, despair if not
This isn't love, it's a state of letting go of control of life.

What you need to do now
I think it's about deciding what kind of person he wants to live in the latter half of his life, regardless of whether he is there or not.

・Peaceful daily life
・A relationship where you can communicate
・Old age without asking about complexion

This is not a “dream that would come true if someone gave it to me.”
Once you've set the foundation for yourself, someone you can share with will appear.

The anxiety that you won't be able to meet someone after the 60th birthday is not a fact, but an assumption.
What is more important than age is letting go of dependency and “are you standing alone?”

Having experienced an affair, you're not broken.
I learned the order through pain, and I'm just standing at the entrance to maturity.

Right now, I'm not chasing, I'm not cutting, and I'm not making decisions.
Just take the steering wheel of your life back quietly into your own hands.
That attitude will surely protect you in relationships that continue and end.

Gassho

Thank you for your question.
You can say it without knowing the couple's relationship at all, but it's better not to have an affair.
From my husband's point of view, I think it's pretty shocking to suddenly get divorced at age 60. If an affair is revealed, hatred will come out against the other man. Don't you think your kids have been fooled by you for 10 years?
If it's painful because of DV, neglect, or moral harassment from your husband, I think it's better to secretly talk to your kids and get divorced as soon as possible.

There is also a possibility that once you reach a mature age, you will get into trouble and lose everything.

At the beginning, it was a free adulterous romance between two people who met when they wanted to meet, but it's too complicated for the two to think about until now.

Only the two of them support each other, and it was selfish that they were in love even though it was an affair. Now that he has various issues such as divorce mediation, what you can do is not stir up the situation he is in.

Even if your presence supports him, it will only become bothersome, no matter how much you like him, if feigned attitudes, etc. overlap.

Also, the future you envision.
They divorced at a mature age after their children left the nest. This, too, is not that easy. There are many things to discuss, such as property division. Even though the couple is bankrupt, is it easy for the husband to accept the divorce? Even if you do divorce mediation, it may take years.

More than free love, it's complicated and exhausting.
It's like he's in exactly that situation right now.
You'd better be prepared.

You too may be abandoned by your husband if you don't protect your own life.
Also in a quagmire where your husband insists that he won't give you anything. If that happens, there is also a possibility that you will get into trouble and lose everything after reaching a mature age.
The future you envision may be far away.

When it comes to order, there is no choice but to keep calm and keep an eye on his future. Also, let's think carefully about what actions we should do to protect our own lives.

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