Jealousy won't go away

I'm in trouble because my desire to stand out hasn't disappeared. I'm very envious when I see people who stand on a big stage and are active, people showing themselves on the internet, and people who are needed by so many people. Those people are making an effort, and I know that I can't be that way if I don't do anything. I don't have the courage or courage to stand in front of an unspecified number of people. However, when I look at people who are active like that, I feel jealous that I wanted to be that way too.
I'm about to start thinking about getting a job, so even if I think I know in my head that I have to come to terms with that kind of feeling and face my own life, this ugly jealousy doesn't go away, and if I start working normally like this, I wonder if I can't become anyone anymore, so I can't proceed. When I see more and more people younger than me standing on the front stage and playing an active role, I only regret that I should have acted at that time.
My favorite artists and activists were also jealous of their brilliance, making it hard to watch.
Every time I get jealous, I look really dirty, and my whole life up until now becomes difficult even though I deserved it all.
I was encouraged by people around me that I could become a special person close to anyone other than the person standing on the front stage, and I was encouraged by people around me that only standing out was special, but even so, when I saw someone shining in a big place, my desire to stand in that place didn't go away, and I couldn't suppress my feelings. After attending live shows and festivals of people I thought I loved, I was so distressed by how different they were from my own, and I cried. I was certainly energized and encouraged by the appearance of those people before, but now I'm so jealous that I can't see them.
Could you give me a hint to somehow come to terms with this dirty feeling?

3 Zen Responses

If you live proactively, your appearance will always shine through in truth.

“Jealousy” is one of the deepest afflictions in Buddhism that no one can escape. However, don't blame yourself for being “dirty” if you are jealous. Shinran Shonin also continued to look at the depths of his own helpless afflictions and desires throughout his life, and was lamented as “an ordinary man (bonbu) full of worries.” That suffering is proof that you are working hard as a human being.

The reason you feel pain when you see someone who shines is because you have a strong energy within you that “I want to live like that too” and “I want to make my life shine.” That passion has now nowhere to go, and it's probably burning myself as a flame called “jealousy.” A glamorous front stage isn't the only “place to shine.” In Buddhism, there is a saying “write everywhere (Zuishosashu).” It means that no matter what place you are in, if you define it as your own place and live independently, that figure will shine with truth.

Getting a job isn't about giving up on “becoming someone,” but it's the first step for you to step out as the “protagonist” of your own life. Please change that energy that you feel “frustrated” into the ability to carefully build up your future life rather than comparing yourself to others. Instead of waiting for someone to illuminate you, we hope that you yourself will be the light that illuminates your feet.

worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

Coexistence with jealousy

The mind is impermanent.
Honen Shonin was said that one person has 840 million thoughts in a day.
If you compare 24 hours a day to an anime video, there are 84,000 frames of images.
In fact, how many hours or times in a day are your thoughts and feelings dominated by jealousy?
It's OK for delusional distractions related to jealousy to break into everyday life, and other delusional distractions to interrupt.
When the movie is over, the screen just goes back to a white cloth.
Once the jealousy has passed, the mind regains calm and ability to concentrate.
The delusional distractions caused by jealousy should pass in a few seconds.
Don't chase the delusional distractions of jealousy and try to let go of them in the shortest possible number of seconds.
That's how you can coexist with jealousy.
Simply put, even if you're jealous, you can go job-hunting for the time being, or change jobs later, so focus on what you need to do now.

What do you do about yourself when you don't act?

　Hello. There are already answers, and it's not a direct answer to the question... on top of that, there is also an element of whether it feels tough.
So, please read it when you are calm.

I don't like being jealous; I want to stop doing that. I understood that wish very well.
You also know the mechanism or situation of jealousy. I compare myself to others and envy them. It means “I find myself who isn't what I want to be, and I don't like that difference.”
Even if you think “I don't like myself like that,” the appearance of jealousy does not change that it is “your true intention.” So why don't you follow your true intentions and “let's get through this feeling (only) somehow”?

Even if you have the same dream, those who have walked a few steps will know how steep the road is. That experience will teach me “this is the path I should take” or “it's too steep for me.” “I knew it firsthand.” If that's the case, you might be able to get gamshala, and on the other hand, you might give up.

In other words, even though your suffering comes from the structure of “I'm longing for it, but I'm not doing anything,” aren't you trying to change only your symptoms without changing the cause?
So, it seems to me that “come to terms with dirty feelings” means “don't face your true feelings.” At the heart of jealousy is longing. There is also a feeling of “I like it, that's good.” I think it's very unfortunate to come to terms with “forget it because it's dirty.”
There are also people who stand up with regret. There are also people who regret it and try to confuse it. Hopefully, I want them to aim for the former.

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