I have a big fight with my husband in front of my daughter

That's exhausting, isn't it?
However, showing (listening to) a big fight where they taunt and yell at children has an adverse effect and becomes abuse.

Even so, you get upset, so your husband's selfish behavior and lack of communication are probably making the atmosphere and comfort at home worse. However, since they are people who tend to be confined, I think they are the type that is not good at thinking about others or reading the atmosphere.

There is a communication called an “I message.”
It is a psychological approach that uses me (I) as the subject and conveys one's feelings without blaming the other person.

“Why don't you do it!” , “You've always been a hundred!” What I want to say
Why don't you express positive hopes while respecting the other person, such as “I feel like I'm a hundred” and “I want to know you better, and I want to understand each other.”

And even if you think it's because they're a married couple, you don't have many expectations. Let go of ideals and reduce disappointment and stress.

Thank you so much for your hard work in everyday life. I understand the suffering of not being able to control your own emotions and falling into self-loathing in a relationship where there is no escape.

In Buddhism, there is a way of thinking that “others are mirrors of one's own heart.” I think the reason why my husband's “bad manners” and “selfishness” springs up is because you have the right yardstick of “it should be like this,” and you continue to be betrayed by it. However, my husband is also an immature person (ordinary man) just like us, suffering from clumsiness and loneliness.

The daughter's words, “If I don't get angry, my husband won't get angry either,” hit the truth. The daughter is now in the process of learning with her whole body the horror and importance of “relationships” through the appearance of a married couple. Think of her voice to stop a fight as a voice of the Buddha trying to call you back, saying, “Don't be burnt by the flames of anger.”

When the emotional switch is on, you don't have to force it to turn it off. Just take a breath and acknowledge your own weakness, saying, “I'm sad right now.” There are no perfect parents, and no perfect humans. Realizing the “mutual” mentality that each other is imperfect should be the first step in relieving suffering.

worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

It's no use getting angry at cats to “act like dogs.”
It's better not to give up and expect your husband because he doesn't have the ability to respond to your demands.
You can't control others the way you want them to.
Think of your husband as your pet.
You chose a husband who is like a useless pet.
Of course, there are good parts for both cats and dogs. Your husband doesn't live up to your expectations, but he may let you carry luggage when shopping, for example, or reach places you can't reach.
In other words, it's like using scissors with idiots.
Let's write down 10 reasons why you think “it's better than not having a husband like this.”
Note that having a fierce marital fight in front of your child may be heartbreaking for your child.
If you want to get angry,
“Greed, anger, laziness, and pride are afflictions, and afflictions are the cause of worry and suffering”
Let's keep that in mind.

It's very straightforward, and the pain is conveyed as it is. The first thing I want to tell you is that you are not a “funny mother” or an “unloving person.” Rather, I think it's a state where the hearts of people who have put up with it to the limit are bursting out because they can't hold it any longer.

I think the biggest cause of emotions exploding is the feeling of emptiness, lack of understanding, and loneliness that has built up over many years rather than “anger itself.”

・My heart doesn't get through
・It doesn't change no matter how many times you say it
・I am swayed by poor procedures
・Even though I'm desperate, my opponent doesn't change
If there is this accumulation, people will not be able to stop their emotions with “logic.”

Also, your daughter's presence is making you suffer even more. Now that my daughter has entered arbitration, I think the fear “that I am at fault” and “I will hurt my daughter at this rate” has further strengthened her anger and self-loathing.

Here's one important point of view. The more you try to control your emotions, the more wild they become. What you need now is not “suppression,” but a mechanism to keep a distance before it explodes.

Specifically, I think the following 3 points are realistic.

① Make a rule to “remove the seat when the switch is turned on”
The moment you feel angry, please leave physically without exchanging words. Toilet, separate room, go outside. “Discussions” don't happen on the spot. This is not an escape, but a “guarantee of safety.”

② Let go of the “premise of changing” your husband once and for all
It's a harsh way of saying it, but with the current relationship, I don't think my husband will change even if I yell at him. Rather, only the learning that “yelling = breaking the relationship” remains for the daughter. What you can change is not your husband, but the extent of your relationship.

③ A word I definitely want my daughter to say
Please say this when you are calm. “It's not your fault that your mom yells. It's an adult problem.” I think this alone will reduce my daughter's anxiety about her future.

Finally, I'll be honest. This state is not a stage where you can do anything with effort or effort. I think intervention by a third party is necessary, such as psychosomatic medicine, counseling, local government consultation desks, etc. It's also an act to protect my daughter.

You really care about your daughter. That's why they've been cornered to this point. Please don't carry it alone and get help. I think that's a step towards recovery.

I can tell you that they are in a very painful and cornered state.
Thank you for your honest writing.
First, I'll tell you something important. You're not a bad mother, or a dangerous person. They are people who are desperately holding on in a state where they have exceeded their limits.

Not being able to stop being angry is the result of chronic dissatisfaction, loneliness, and emptiness piling up rather than personality issues.
When the feeling of “not being understood” and “only I carry it on my back” continues, people's emotions explode before reason.
The fact that the switch is turned on is not a sign of weakness, but that the mind is already at its limit.

It's heartbreaking for my daughter to stop her, isn't it?
But this isn't because they “hate you.”
Both mother and father are important, and this is an act of trying to protect the place.
Also, at the point where you are so worried about the “impact on your daughter,” you have a strong sense of sensitivity as a mother.

The first step in emotional control is not “stopping anger.”
It's about being aware of the emotions that precede anger.
In many cases it is
・emptiness
・Solitude
・Sadness that people don't understand
That's it.
Anger is a secondary emotion, so if you try to suppress it, on the contrary, it becomes stronger.

Practically
① If you get angry, leave the place (especially in front of your daughter)
② Verbalize “it's hard for me to do ◯◯ right now” in my head
③ Limit conversations to change your husband after your emotions have calmed down

And what is very important is that couples don't try to do anything alone.
My current state is beyond what I can hold alone.
Counseling or third party intervention is not a “loss,” but a choice to protect the family.

Deciding whether your daughter will be unstable in the future is more important than “having a fight or not”
It's how adults behave after their emotions have calmed down.
“Sorry for yelling earlier. Being told, “Mom is practicing too,” is more reassuring than anything else.

You're not broken.
I'm just exhausted.
There is always a way to rebuild from here.