What should I do?

　Good evening.
I accepted that sentences without punctuation were so painful that I couldn't hold my breath. First, please cherish what I was able to write here in that state.

Right now, I think breathing is easier to handle than swimming through a whirlpool of thoughts.
Lie down, close your eyes, and observe only “I'm breathing now” and “I'm vomiting now.” When you put a dent in your stomach and exhale, you'll be able to breathe much more than usual.
Getting back to your body is an important step in order not to be swept away by suffering.

There are both “I want to die” and “I want to live” in your text.
The fact that you have both is proof that the side you want to live is still working within you. Let's make sure we don't turn it off.

There was a saying, “I want to do filial piety, too.”
It means you still have the power to care for someone else.
You don't have to do anything big. Don't run out of toilet paper. I wake up alone. Say hello first. Parents are sure to be happy even with such a small act.
And it will also be a force to support the aspect you “want to live.”

Nighttime is a time when everyone's anxiety increases. You're not alone. So if you decide to “return to breathing when night comes again,” it will be a little easier.

Please, one at a time is fine, so please try it out.

I read it. The pain of living and the desperate cry of seeking light nonetheless come close to my heart. First of all, I would like to pay tribute to the fact that you have endured to this day while cutting down on your own heart, and for the strength of your life.

As a Shinshu monk, there is only one thing I want to tell you. It means that no matter how much you hurt yourself right now, that no one can be trusted, and that you feel that you are in the dark, only Buddha called Amida will never abandon you.

In Buddhism, we all think of us as “ordinary husbands (bonbu)” with worries and suffering. Not only good and bright people can be saved. Rather, it is people like you who are raising an uneasy voice saying “help me” at the edge of suffering, and the Buddha is “never leaving them alone.” This is called “unscrupulous intake (indigestion).”

You don't have to force yourself to trust anyone right now. You can leave the feeling that you don't want to take medicine or that you can't cheer up. Your heart is still so painful that you think “I want to die,” and you are already wrapped in the Buddha's light. However, in order to take good care of your body, follow your doctor's instructions when it comes to taking medication.

Please don't blame yourself. You just survived today with conflicting feelings, and that alone is enough for you to be a precious person. Please come back here anytime to express your feelings.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

I read it.
I read your thoughts. It conveys how painful it is for you to be alone right now and be able to talk to anyone about your painful feelings. I don't know the details about you or the people around you, but I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.

You're never alone; you're connected to us here too; you're connected to us, the Buddha, God, and our ancestors. Also, you have relationships with your parents and many others.
Please share your feelings and thoughts here as well.

Please talk about what you are having a very hard time right now, about school and with your family, what you want to throw everything out, what you still want to do filial piety, and what you want to live a cheerful and enjoyable life.

I don't know everything, but your thoughts will definitely come through.

If you don't mind, please take the time to listen carefully to your thoughts, and we look forward to welcoming you.

And I sincerely pray that you will continue to be protected and supported by many people and that you can live a peaceful and healthy life. We wholeheartedly agree

I also read my profile. You've come this far while enduring a lot of suffering, haven't you?
Self-harm... My heart is filled when I think that by doing so, I have made it through while enduring the current situation where there is nothing you can do. it hurts, doesn't it?

Your cry of wanting to throw everything out, and your desire to still live and do filial piety are your wishes, aren't they?

The mother probably also has a conflict with her confidence. It's probably painful, but what you've been subjected to is abuse and violence from people around you. Endurance is not a way of life, and I want them to get out of this environment and live a safe life. Also, I would like your mother to extend a helping hand, face the current situation, and apologize for the pain she caused you. I think that is the future of families so that everyone can live healthy lives.

What you're connected to as a counselor is a school counselor, isn't it? Isn't it because I feel the intentions of the school and parents that I can't trust them? I'm worried that they really put you first and that support will protect you.

・Child Counseling Center Abuse Response Dial “189 (Ichihayaku)” Nationwide 24-hour holiday support
・Childline Support Center (free until 18 years old 0120-99-7777)

“Protect Your Heart - Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare”
https://www.mhlw.go.jp/mamorouyokokoro/

Why don't you talk to us here too?

At Hasuno, we can only accept your feelings, which is frustrating. Your steps will help you protect yourself. Remember when you feel self-harmed.
I care about you. Of course, let's stay connected even in Hasunoha.

For urgent SOS, contact the police as well. Take refuge shelters into consideration, too.