I spit out my current painful feelings

It's Otsukare-chan. 🐰
Please drop off more and more of the baggage of your heart. I think it will be easier.
At school, people work hard at school and are taught.
However, how can we live well in life and calm our hearts to be strong, kind, strong, pure, and rich?
Actually, people in the old days lived strong and peaceful lives without relying on medicine.
Of course, depending on medicine is sometimes important, but if you don't get good at the essential driving method, the root won't change, so of course you have no choice but to become a repeat drug customer.
That's why, even if you find value in things, it's important to have a method that doesn't cost money, doesn't hurt internal organs, and can continue every day.
So what should we do?
Why aren't cats and dogs bothered?
This is because unlike humans, there are no rules for the human ego.
Humans have their own rules and circumstances.
Older sister has rules for older sisters.
Dad had a dad's life, and I'm sure he had a bad time or had a hard time.
Mothers also have their own mother's values, rules, and way of life.
You have your own way of life, and you can choose it.
I think people will seek salvation only because they are in pain and suffering.
The reason we have arrived here this time is because you were born with the intention to become stronger and the heart to become richer in search of a better way of life.
Buddhism is the teachings of the Buddha, the Buddha = the wise man = the teachings of people who know their true form.
My true form is before the human rules of the human world have an advantage.
When sleeping, you can sleep only because your parasympathetic nerve dominates.
In the same way, people keep their minds quiet, and the peaceful heart that our ancestors named Shinto and Buddha has an advantage, so everyone can find the Buddha's function within and be saved.
Each sect's practice method and teaching is how to find the Buddha's work from within oneself, the work of salvation, and how to find a free, intelligent, peaceful, and strong heart.
You just have to choose the method that works best for you.

If it's nearby, it's fine even after it gets warm, so try attending a zazen session with your sisters with the intention of coming to Saitama to eat.
When I shift from thinking first and putting myself first to facts first, my mind is at ease.

I read it.
The things you've carried up until now are very heavy.
It's not a story where “everyone has a hard time” is not enough.

Dad disappeared at age 3, my grandfather's addiction to alcohol and violence, my older sister's drug addiction, and my daily life where ambulances and police come. I too have tried to die at my limit.
But now I'm 20 years old, and I'm going to college while taking care of my grandmother.
I really should have wanted to be on the side being protected.
It's natural to feel angry.
It's not indulgent to think “why just me.”

There is one important thing.
Neither your sister's dependency nor your grandmother's illness are your fault.
There's no obligation to bear it until you break down.

“Why is it always painful when everything is impermanent?”
Impermanent does not mean “getting better soon,” it means “this state is not fixed either.”
But now that I can't see a way out, I feel hopeless.

You're not weak; you're someone who has survived to this point.
What makes me feel envious is proof that the feeling of “wanting to live” still remains.

You don't have to give an answer today. You don't have to apologize.
It's enough that you just wrote it here.

First of all, I've lived really well up to this point. Far from being “strange,” your anger and sadness is a natural reaction in that environment. Even if they say “it's hard for everyone,” the things you've carried on your back are different in weight and type. So you don't have to compare them, and it's natural that you wouldn't be convinced even if you were compared.

Thinking “why only me” is neither spoiled nor the heroine of the tragedy. The feeling that unreasonable is unreasonable is proof that it is still alive.

“Impermanent behavior” in Buddhism is not a spell that quickly becomes easier, and it is a view that the situation and mind are “not fixed” even in the midst of a reality that does not go the way you want. It's natural to feel that your current suffering will last forever, but in reality, it changes shape little by little. So don't assume “there is no future.”

I'll tell you one important thing. You weren't born to be burdened with your older sister's dependency or family problems. Originally, you are not the only one to take care of your grandmother. What is happening now is not your fault; it is a matter of the family structure. It's not because you're bad.

Going to college in April is not an escape, but an “entrance to regaining one's life.” Please use university student counseling rooms, health centers, and local consultation desks (mental health and welfare centers, etc.) as soon as possible.

My older sister's dependency, the burden of nursing care, my own thoughts about rare death, and my past self-harm are all “things I can talk about.” Experts will sort it out and work together to think about specific measures to distribute family roles.

Specifically, ① determine “how many times a week and up to how many hours can I help” with numbers; ② say “today is impossible” before feeling guilty on days when you can't do it; ③ make one “adult on your side” outside the house (person in charge, seminar teacher, relative, support staff). I think this kind of small line drawing will protect your heart. On sleepless nights, I think it is more effective to calm the body first, such as “hot drink → shower → turn off the light” rather than counting breaths.

If “I want to die” gets stronger tonight, don't hold it alone and contact someone right away. It doesn't matter if it's 119, the nearest emergency, or a local nighttime consultation. Your survival is a top priority.

finally. You are a person who can notice people's pain because you can't “sparkle.” From now on, let's return the subject of your life from “home” to “me.” That's the most important thing right now.

Please take care of yourself.

I read it.
I read that you have had a very hard time until now and that you are suffering so much now. I don't know the details about you or the people around you, but I sincerely understand your painful feelings and suffering.
I think it is very precious that you are here talking about yourself up until now and talking about your feelings.
You have formed a relationship with us here even now. You are by no means alone; you are already connected to us and have relationships with Buddha, gods, and ancestors.
Please share your painful feelings and suffering here too, and please sincerely convey your thoughts to the Buddha, gods, and ancestors.
Also, please firmly tell local people, local government people, and medical institutions that you are still suffering.
Please be sure to talk about your grandmother's care, your older sister's drug addiction, and things you want to learn at school.
Also, let's get support from various people to take care of our grandmothers and older sisters. Let's also receive advice and support from various support organizations about what you are about to learn. Then choose the path that makes you feel comfortable.
You can now live your own life, your suffering will decrease, and you will be able to walk the path of living comfortably. You and everyone have given us a lot of support. Please connect with many people and ask for help.
Also, please feel free to share your thoughts here or to people who are supporting us in various ways.
I sincerely pray to Buddha, God, and your ancestors so that you and everyone can live with peace of mind while connecting with many people in the future, that your future opens up and that you can live comfortably without suffering both mentally and physically.
And I will support you from the bottom of my heart.