I can't fully trust my partner.

I have someone close to my partner right now. However, it doesn't take the form of a relationship. After all the trouble, we're talking about having a formal relationship once those issues have been resolved, for the time being.

First of all, his negative side is his lack of money and his gambling addiction. A decent smoker. I often tell lies.
When they get paid, they buy expensive things, and they throw high amounts of money (50,000 yen or more) to broadcasters without hesitation by watching broadcasts called hobbies. I don't think the smoking part is bad (even when I smoke, they properly choose places to smoke or places where I'm not), but it's just unhealthy. When they tell lies, they often hide things from me, and I also find and understand them, so I got into a bit of a fight and were told “OK, that's enough,” and “Shall we end this relationship?”

His positive side is that he is well-cared for others. They are people who can gently say “I'm sorry” in places that would normally go through without making a single voice, and can naturally help if someone is in trouble. It may be obvious, but they are people who can clearly say “sorry” and “thank you.” (I think there are a lot of adults who can't say it out loud). I like cooking for myself, and they cook elaborate dishes and send me pictures.

I can't “completely believe” him.
When I'm touching my smartphone right in front of me, when I take my smartphone to the toilet, bathroom, or smoking area and touch it, I think “Oh, I'm sure they're exchanging messages with girls” and “they're probably throwing money at their favorite broadcasters.”
※This is because I know that while they were involved with me, they threw high sums of money at other women, stuck in broadcasts, and made phone calls and DMs. This is because they say they aren't involved and ended up having exchanges + there is a past where half of that money was used when depositing large sums of money in a certain project.

There is also a self that has become uneasy because of such anxiety, and I think I have to quit, and I don't like myself.
I wish they could believe the words “I like you” and “I'm fine”...
Is this my fault? Or is it a relationship that should be cut?
Right now, I'm thinking of getting along to the point where I really can't stand it.
It would be helpful if you could give me some advice.

4 Zen Responses

Is he sincere in your feelings? In order to overcome the future

I'm worried about throwing money at a high price. They're probably lying to you because they put it back on you. Gambling addiction is probably gambling where people want to splurge rather than like gambling. I think throwing money is also the reason.

For broadcasters, when I think of it as support for “recommendations,” or fan activity, I want to understand them to some extent, but on the other hand, I'm worried about how to use money. As is the case with gambling, brakes are difficult and there is a tendency for people to become dependent on them.

Rather than understanding his enjoyment, do you have any anxiety about not trying to see reality by being dependent on him? Also, I'm worried that it will interfere with my health and lifestyle at this rate.

Also, they are facing problems due to various problems, aren't they? If he wants to go through life with you and is thinking about the future as a partner, I think he'll make an effort to face you properly. Even if it's not easy to get out of dependency, I think your presence will be reassuring in order to overcome self-help groups and the like for recovery. However, they are deceiving you while lying to you. I can't get rid of my distrust of his attitude, can I?

Even if I feel loved at this moment, I can't envision a future with him. That's what makes you unhappy, isn't it?

Why don't you tell him? Is he sincere in your feelings? As it is now, I think the hurdle to overcome the future is too high.

Sometimes, taking our hands off each other softly is a decision.

Thank you for your consultation. You feel very painful in the midst of that conflict where you want to believe in your partner but you can't believe it enough.

In Buddhism, we believe that “obsession” is at the root of our suffering. Aren't you holding yourself back by obsessing over his gentle side and expectations for the future that “we can have a formal relationship someday”?

His friendliness is an advantage, but “repeated lies” and the act of “using the money he has deposited” are serious issues that break the foundation of a relationship of trust. His deep “worries”, such as gambling and dependence on money, cannot be easily solved just because you have put up with it to the limit and accompanied him.

There's absolutely no need to blame yourself, “Am I to blame?” Relationships that make you suspicious and dislike yourself are already deeply hurting your heart. Instead of “enduring to the limit,” please give top priority to protecting your own heart and healthy days first.

Sometimes, taking our hands off each other softly is a decision. I sincerely hope that you can take good care of your own precious life.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

I think it's okay to set firm standards for yourself

I read it.
I see, I read about you and someone close to you. You're worried about what to do, aren't you? It's quite difficult to make a decision, isn't it? I don't know the details about that person, but I feel like I understand your feelings very well. I really understand how you feel.
Well... it's a relationship between people, so what's good or bad changes from time to time as we get along, doesn't it?
I think it's okay to set criteria for judging people you go out with. After all, I don't like being lied to, I think there are things like not wasting your sense of money, working a healthy lifestyle, etc.
I think it's good to build a relationship of trust while protecting each other from such things. As you spend time dating, parts you can forgive and parts you can't forgive will also come up, so I think it's okay to check each other's feelings by talking each time.
They're called Seven Habits Without Humans, so they all probably have their own.
I sincerely pray that you will be able to understand and respect each other and build a relationship of trust with your truly important people in the future, and that you will be able to sincerely love, be compassionate, and share happiness with your loved ones. We wholeheartedly agree

It's no good to talk about people's hobbies, but make them stop being addicted to gambling

　Makoto, first of all, it's hard being someone who thinks about the future. Please take care of yourself.
First off, does he want to be with you? If not, you should probably stop. If we think so, we should be together.
So, you don't need to talk about his hobbies first. However, I think for a moment that gambling alone is an addiction. It's just that I don't like gambling. I think it would be fine if it was around 10,000 yen for a lottery ticket. But if you go to the stadium every week and gamble a lot of money, I think you should think about it. It would be nice if games that use balls are moderated. The best thing is not to let them do anything illegal. However, there is no need for you to dislike internet promotion activities. This is because if you take up hobbies, you will be robbed of the means to relieve stress, and you will be tempted to do something extra different.
First of all, you tend to deny everything by watching him too much, so it might be better to affirm what you should affirm about him first. (Being polite is an adult's compliment, so it's not a compliment.) That's all for me.

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