The way to say a girlfriend who lives together is tough

The way she says they live together is tough.
They talk harshly about housework such as cleaning and laundry.
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When it comes to cleaning, she says it's dirty even though it's totally beautiful for me, and she talks about herself in a strong tone why she doesn't clean faster.
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So even if you do it before it's cleaned, it seems like it wasn't done after all, and it's time to start over.
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In laundry, it is said that even if you do the laundry, there is no good way to dry it or where to hang it.
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If I'm particular about it, I think I should do that one, but if I do that, I get angry when I'm the only one doing housework.
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The time they come home is quite different, so they all cook their own meals, but if they make the food, if I say that the presentation isn't good or the taste is different, they get furious and won't make it anymore! I think I'll say that.
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But isn't it the same thing to say bluntly about cleaning and laundry?
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“If there's something that hasn't been done, I want you to say it more kindly. I told them, “If you do that, I won't feel bad about it, I'll start there now,” but I was told that I wasn't doing it according to her standards, that it would be difficult to say it because I wasn't able to do it, and that if you did, I wouldn't say it like this.
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After all, their standards and mine aren't the same, so I feel like they keep saying that for a long time
Even if I tell them that it's a tough way to put it, they say it's my fault, so it doesn't seem like they'll review it.
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I get frustrated every time someone says something too harshly, and there are times when it's a hassle to go home wondering if something will be said again.
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I love her, and I don't think I'll be able to put up with it, but she has a frustrated and grumpy attitude, and it's hard for me.
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What kind of attitude should one have in terms of Buddhism at a time like this?
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Or is it better for both of us to break up if we stay on a parallel line the whole time?
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It seems like I'm complaining, but thank you for your answers.

4 Zen Responses

Obsession is the cause of trouble and suffering

In Buddhism, obsession (obsession) is thought to cause trouble, suffering, and stress.
Obsession with how to do housework and the level of finish can cause stress and anger, doesn't it?
Also, an obsession with a lover who has too many differences in how they think about housework can also cause trouble and suffering.
In addition to obsession and pride, greed, anger, laziness, etc. are also afflictions (causes of worry and suffering).
Everyone has worries, so when living together, it is important to forgive each other's afflictions (greed, anger, laziness, pride, obsession, etc.) to some extent, and have compassion without hating the other person.
Even so, there are also people whose personalities and lifestyle don't match, so there are cases where it is better to abandon your obsession with such a partner and say goodbye.
No matter how delicious bread or ramen is, people with wheat allergies have no choice but to give up eating it.
For example, if even a lover of transcendental beauty causes DV or moral harassment, it is better to break up.
There are people you like but can't get along with, and you need to accept that as a reality.
Also, since beautiful men and women both grow old, a long-term perspective is also effective as to whether they want to be scolded every day by their lover who became an old lady 30 years later.

Are you prepared to accept “her personality is part of her”? is

Thank you for your consultation. Because it's someone you love, it's very painful to get lost in your daily life and the house you were supposed to be at ease with becomes a troublesome place.

From a Buddhist point of view, you and her are different people who have lived in completely different relationships (environments and experiences). Therefore, it is natural that the “correct answers” and values for cleaning and laundry are different.
You may think, “If you put up with it, waves and wind won't rise,” but putting up with just pushing yourself to death causes dissatisfaction to accumulate in your heart. Even if you get married as it is, it will be difficult to have a long and peaceful relationship.

What is important is whether you have the tolerance to accept that “she is not a perfect person either.” The personality and nature of adults don't change that easily. Let go of your obsession with your own standards of “why don't you understand” and ask your own mind if you are prepared to accept her personality as part of her.

If you don't have the confidence to be tolerant, then taking a different path for each other is another option. It's still at the stage of cohabitation, so why don't you rush to a conclusion, watch the situation for a while and think about it while facing your own true feelings.

Worship
Engiji Temple Shakujo

Because it's natural that it's different

I read it.
It wasn't until after living together that you and her both knew that you and your girlfriend had different standards of value and sense of life. I feel that I can also really understand how you feel dissatisfied. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
After all, if either one of them just puts up with it, it will eventually explode. It's going to be a huge fight and it's going to be broken up.
The point is to share while respecting each other. So let's help each other by respecting the other person's feelings and gently communicating about ourselves.
Since they were born and raised completely different in the first place, it is very important for both you and your girlfriend to understand that there is no way they are the same.
I don't think it's possible without respect for each other and a sense of compassion.
To that end, let's face each other firmly with your girlfriend and decide various things while having sincere discussions.
I sincerely pray that you and her will be able to live each day while respecting and helping each other. We wholeheartedly agree

Imposing thoughts and demands and blaming them in harsh words is DV is violence

That's tough, isn't it? Her behavior is disrespectful. Imposing only one's own thoughts and demands, coercing the other person (you), and blaming them with harsh words is DV, that is violence.

You've been working hard, and even if you try to meet her expectations, your heart gets hurt when you're blamed only for the parts you haven't done. That was hard, wasn't it? Well, getting home is depressing, isn't it?

You seem to think it's better not to make waves, but that means you will continue to be subject to violence for a long time.
Let's make them understand that imposing only one's own comfort and rules is harassment in order for the future and for the girlfriend you like to understand.

I do DV support on a daily basis, but I'm in such a situation that if I were your mother, I should break up. I want her to think that she wasn't just forced to do her own way. It's a living space for two, isn't it? Are you living in her house? Comfort is only possible when two people are comfortable in a space. If she still doesn't change her mind, I can imagine that the relationship will continue to deteriorate in the future. Please think carefully, including future relationships.

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