Where do I get my feelings for my grandmother

I don't really understand the feelings I have for my paternal grandmother who lives with me.

When I was young, my house was a farmhouse, but my parents went out to work, so my grandmother took care of me when nursery school and school were closed.
I remember that it was fun back then, such as going out to the fields together and being taught the basics of housework.
However, when I think back now, I often wonder.
For example, they speak ill of my parents against me. They make children before entering elementary school take charge of the store at the event and they are furious that the price doesn't match.
Since they are people from a long time ago who were born after the war, they may have been seen as the labor of one person, even if they were children.

Since I was able to make judgments about things, I felt that the personality described above didn't suit me, so I avoided it a bit.
Also, the words my father uttered before and after his illness were so bad that even though we live in the same house, we try not to meet face to face.

Meanwhile, I had the opportunity to talk with relatives on my grandmother's side, and I heard that my grandmother was always talking about me (she is working hard to obtain work-related qualifications. Even if it's something as trivial as being good at housework. (My grandmother has grandchildren other than me)
According to my relatives, my grandmother also said she wanted to be good friends with me as before.

Since I heard the above, my feelings for my grandmother have become a mess.
It's someone I've seriously hated for over 10 years. But the other side is evaluating me for taking fun memories and bad attitudes from when I was young...
The thought of how long ago things have dragged on, and the part that can never be forgiven, even if it's a long time ago, is also big...

I can't talk to my family because I'm a relative.
It's just an emotional theory, so it's also painful that there are no specific solutions.
It is said that it is a place where I lost my feelings, but I would like advice etc. that would make me feel even a little better.
I'm sorry for the random sentences that are difficult to read.
Thank you for your support.

4 Zen Responses

Everyone has variations in their emotions

Even grandmothers have emotional fluctuations, so there are times when they are in a good mood and when they are in a bad mood, when they want to brag about their grandchildren, and times when they are lonely.
Also, knowledge and personality change with age.
Our cells are replaced by metabolism, and the mind (thoughts and feelings) changes moment by moment, floating and disappearing.
Therefore, every moment, she is being reborn as a new grandmother.
It really is a once-in-a-lifetime meeting.
You can have fun playing today with someone you had a fight with yesterday.
Wouldn't it be okay for you to enjoy everyday conversations with your grandmother when you're in a good mood yourself?

What is important is not the past, but whether you can spend your time peacefully now

Thank you very much for your consultation. You've been alone with deep wounds for many years, such as unreasonable memories from when you were young and your heartless words when your father passed away. I apologize for the inconvenience.

In Buddhism, there is a teaching called “impermanent behavior.” Everything changes and doesn't stay the same. More than 20 years have passed, and grandmothers have also changed. As mentioned in the story of a relative, the fact that she acknowledges and is proud of you for your hard work and housework is probably the unmistakable appearance of your current grandmother.

But that doesn't mean we should “throw all of the past in the water and forgive it.” Grandma is also an imperfect person (ordinary husband) who is by no means perfect. The terrible words at the time of the father may also have stemmed from the grief and confusion of losing my child.

What is important is not how to clear up the “past,” but how you can spend your “present” time peacefully. Don't force yourself to add black and white, and you can leave your feelings in a mess. If you have bad words and actions right now, don't overdo it and keep your distance; if not, please relax your mind just a little bit and live your “now” with care.

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Engiji Temple Shakujo

Everyone probably has their own lives and values

I read it.
I read that you are worried about what to do because of your grandmother, your emotions have gone haywire.
I don't know the details about you or your grandmother, but I feel like I can really understand how lost and troubled you are. I understand your feelings from the bottom of my heart.
You probably also have various memories from when you were young, and looking back until now, I think there are things you still can't accept. It probably shows that you have yourself, and I think it's also proof that you have reached adulthood.
Your values when you were raised by your grandmother are already different from those of you now an adult, so I think there are times when you are extra confused by that gap.
There are times when you get emotional, so I think it's best to keep a reasonable distance for a while and respond calmly.
That's because the way of life, values, and circumstances of people in the time your grandmother lived are different from the situation and values you are living in now.
If you make a mess, you won't understand the translation.
Even if you live together, you live your way of life, so I think it's very important to live your own life without getting too caught up in the past.
As a little more time passes, you may also be able to casually accept your grandmother by reviewing and casually accepting things as you grew up yourself.
Don't be in a hurry and live your own life well.
That's because grandmothers probably have their grandmother's life, way of life, and values.

Convey “feelings back then and what you think now” and build relationships for the future

What I feel when I read the question is that my grandmother probably treated her grandson (you) the way she wanted. If it's a child (you), I don't want to hear bad things about your parents, but I don't think about your position, and I'll let you listen without worrying about it. Also, the help I entrust to you is not according to your age or ability, and I let my grandmother herself do what she wants to entrust.
In spite of your cuteness and high praise, it was actually a burden and nuisance to you. That gave rise to questions, and it probably became a gap.

Certainly, your grandmother is insensitive, misunderstood your growth, and lacked consideration. Rather than thinking about your position, I loved (treated) you the way I wanted.

But I really want to be good friends with you. It's a perception that my grandmother had fun back then, too.
I don't think I was able to clearly convey my feelings due to the fact that you were a child and took care of you.

Assuming this is a good timing, why don't you tell your grandmother “how you felt back then and what you think now”? Your grandmother probably didn't even notice why they were avoided. Over time, your grandmother also acknowledged what she should reflect on, and by carefully building future relationships with each other, I think your broken heart will heal.

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